Gambit Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 With India's new affluence comes the divorce generation By Anand Giridharadas Published: February 19, 2008 MUMBAI: The Great Indian Wedding is succumbing to the Great Indian Divorce. Few societies on earth take marriage more seriously than this one. Marriage comes early, sometimes even in youth, and is cemented by illegal dowries. Opulent weddings swallow life savings. So venerated is marriage that when bruised, beaten wives flee to their parents' homes for sanctuary, they are often turned back, implored to make it work. But now, in courtroom battles across the subcontinent, in cases brought by slum dwellers and outsourcing workers and millionaires alike, Indians are fighting in growing numbers to divorce. And as words like "alimony," "stepchild" and "pre-nup" start to roll off Indian tongues, many observers bemoan a profound metamorphosis of values in a nation trotting toward new affluence. "The great Indian family is definitely under threat," said Shobhaa Dé, the author of "Spouse: The Truth about Marriage" and one of India's most widely read social chroniclers. Dé, herself divorced and remarried years ago, described the new ethos as "unthinkable to an earlier generation." Consider the microcosm of Mumbai. Since 1990, around the time that India opened its gates to the world, the annual number of divorce petitions filed in Mumbai has more than doubled to reach 4,138 in 2007, far outpacing population growth, according to data culled for this article from musty, hand-kept records at the city's family court. Or, to put it more vividly, Mumbai made divorcés of 30,000 more people in those 17 years than it would have had the annual rate of breakups held at the 1990 level. Such detailed data are not compiled at the national level. But, according to a study of 2001 census data by two Indian demographers, Ajay Kumar Singh and R.K. Sinha, Mumbai's divorce rate - with about 7 percent of marriages failing - is roughly on a par with that of other metropolises and not much higher than the national level, offering a reliable gauge of the national trend. When SecondShaadi.com, an online matchmaking service for Indian divorcés, debuted last year, its executives assumed that most clients would come from big, cosmopolitan cities. Instead, in a reflection of how widespread divorce now is, 60 percent of its more than 25,000 customers came from outside India's five largest cities and 36 percent from outside the 20 largest cities, according to data provided by the company's founder, Vivek Pahwa. The divorce boom partly reflects changes that have made it easier to leave marriages everywhere: taboos waning, laws loosening and women gaining financial independence. But there is perhaps another, more amorphous factor behind the change. Conversations with marriage counselors, divorce lawyers, social scientists and couples themselves suggest that, if divorce is rising, it is because of an underlying transformation of love. Traditional Indian marriages had little to do with romance. Often but not always arranged, they were mergers between families of similar backgrounds and beliefs, and their principal purpose was baby-spawning. Love was strong but subliminal, expressed not in hand-holding and utterances of "I love you," but in a sense of mutual sacrifice and tolerance. But in an India drenched in foreign influences - Hollywood in the theaters, teenagers named Sunita who call themselves "Sarah" and answer calls for Citibank's American customers - an imported idea of love is spreading. Ever more couples marry each other for each other, out of personal enthrallment rather than a sense of family duty, and even arranged marriages come with new expectations of emotional fulfillment. And it is this new notion of love, with the couple at the core, that makes marriage both more riveting and more precarious than ever before, many Indians believe. "In the older situations, where it was the families coming together, maybe the couple tried harder to adjust, because they could not even think about getting out of the marriage," said Freny Italia, a social worker in Mumbai who counsels divorcing couples. "It was for the sake of the family. It was for the sake of the children. There was a lot of giving and sacrifice. But now they say, 'I'm an individual. I have my needs.' " This is acutely true of a new generation of women unwilling to do what preceding generations of women have been raised to do: adjust, to any length necessary, to save a marriage. "Once a daughter is given in marriage, she is supposed to turn into an ameba," Dé, the author, once wrote. But growing numbers of educated, working women, confident and financially secure, refuse to do so - and, increasingly, their parents back them up. When Christina told her parents months ago that her marriage was sputtering, they responded in the traditional Indian way. They sent her back to her husband, telling her to make it work. It did not seem to matter then that he was beating her, then expelling her from the house in the black of night. But Christina, who works in a technical-support call center in Mumbai for General Motors, was not willing to give up. She eventually found out her husband's secret: He was, unbeknownst to most, gay. And when she told her parents, they eventually thawed, welcoming her back to their home and supporting her decision to divorce. In the past, she said, a woman would have been forced to stay with a gay husband to preserve the family's reputation. "Now," she said, "it's different." (Like most interviewed, Christina withheld her last name to preserve privacy.) Another trigger of divorce is the inevitable tension between the new centrality of the couple, on the one hand, and the traditional primacy of a man's relationship with his parents and siblings, said Sudhir Kakar, a leading Indian psychoanalyst and the author of "The Indians: Portrait of a People." In a recent case in Mumbai divorce court, a woman charged her husband with putting his parents ahead of her. The parents lived in the ground floor; the husband and wife lived in the apartment above. Every night, upon returning from work, the husband stopped at his parents' home first and only then went home. He saw things through a traditional lens, with his wife as one in a range of family obligations. She desired to be the core of his universe, not unlike in the Western home. To avert such family tensions, many young couples today do what was once scandalous in India: choose their own spouses and move away from their parents. But this often encourages divorce in its own way, experts say, by cutting out the web of kin ties that once served to bind couples. Ever more couples marry people different from them instead of family-vetted spouses of like backgrounds, then compound the risk by living apart from their parents, socializing with friends rather than family and postponing parenthood - all of which reduce the social cost of abandoning a marriage. Chitra and her husband invested everything in each other. Now 31, she is a Brahmin doctor from south India; he was a street vendor of Chinese food, from a different region and a lower caste. Her parents scoffed at her marrying a "Chinesewallah." But she loved her Chinesewallah, and that seemed enough. They put together $12,000 for a tiny apartment and lived on their own. Four years ago, she became pregnant. Meanwhile, his business faltered. Not to worry, she told him: She had a teaching job, and she didn't mind buying fewer dresses. She loved him. That was what mattered. But her husband's stresses only grew, and he resented his upper-caste, better-educated, higher-paid wife. When they argued, he would say, "You're earning too much, so you're talking too much," she recalled. Living on their own, there was none of the clamor of the Indian family to distract them from their fights, no prying relatives to nudge them to reconcile. One evening two years ago, as her husband poured a drink, she told him they should not waste their money on alcohol. He got up, put on a T-shirt, pulled money from a drawer and made for the door. "I said, 'If you want to go, go. But don't come back,' " Chitra recalled. "And I regret my words, because he never did. He hugged and kissed me, he kissed my daughter, and he never came back." She added, sitting in the courthouse where she had come for a divorce: "This could happen only in this current generation." http://www.iht.com/articles/2008/02/19/asia/divorce.php?page=1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coffee_rules Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 If I believe the article, I would think nobody believed in "love" until India started the call centers. The numbers are too low (4000 in one year in Mumbai) to make it a case. I know that one thing about arranged marriages is changing. It is not uncommon to ask the girl/boy if she/he likes somebody before going on a propective spouse hunt. In of the granny talks that I overheard in a family gathering. Loosely translted: Q: Who did they "give" the girl to? (for marriage) A: They gave it to "love", it seems. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lurker Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 And the trend will only continue to grow. With both husband and wife working these days the relationship is often lot more demanding, at the same time the threshold of human beings seems to be going down by the day with a "What have you done for me lately" syndrome more common than usual. I expect situation to worsen but would be happy to be proved wrong in the long run. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest HariSampath Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 It is already very bad Lurks and fast becoming worse. I think impulsive relationships, impulsive marriages for wrong reasons , and very short relationship time before marriage are contributing, with of course a culture of Western values, financial independence of women and breakup of the family structure are all factots as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beetle Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 The article is spot on. I wouldn't want my daughter to stay a day in a house if she didn't feel respected or loved.And she would never be given away. girls are not puppies. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lurker Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 In a recent case in Mumbai divorce court, a woman charged her husband with putting his parents ahead of her. The parents lived in the ground floor; the husband and wife lived in the apartment above. Every night, upon returning from work, the husband stopped at his parents' home first and only then went home. He saw things through a traditional lens, with his wife as one in a range of family obligations. She desired to be the core of his universe, not unlike in the Western home. Thats such a telling line and so very true. Within a decade or so taking care of parents has now become "traditional" and wife "demands" to be at the center of a man's core! It is so tragic it is almost funny. Just watch couple of movies of 60s where female lead characters who desired only thus were vilified as villains. Somehow this whole "modern" era focuses on how much women have had to adjust, what it completely forgets is the adjustment that men have had to put up with! Not every man is a wife beater and not every woman is a sat-savitri either. If Indian marriage today stands at cross-roads it is basically because both men and women have become more selfish and unashamed to admit it. It will only get worse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beetle Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 Adjustment the guy has to make! ha.ha.. what about the poor girl who has to leave her house and adjust to a completely new place and people?And she is expected to do all the adjustment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lurker Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 Adjustment the guy has to make!ha.ha.. Let me hear your argument before I classify you as a feminist. Why do you think men of our era have NOT had to make adjustment. Go on make your case. what about the poor girl who has to leave her house and adjust to a completely new place and people?And she is expected to do all the adjustment. What poor girl? Who is asking the "poor" girl to move anywhere? Get educated, make your career, dont get married and be proud of yourself. Why do you need anyone else? You will find ample men who choose to do so, what stops a woman?? xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beetle Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 I think the marriage is finally becoming a fair experience for the woman. Women are not the only ones who are expected to make all the adjustments. To be honest...in the last few years I have seen a lot of MILs who are willing to make more and more adjustments and in such cases ..the saas bahu relationship is more of respect and friendship. The days of the tyrant saas are fast becoming over. Ofcouse this is no excuse for people to not look after their parents when they need it. I would like both my parents and my hubby's parents to come and stay with us when they are older. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beetle Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 >>>Get educated, make your career, dont get married and be proud of yourself. Why do you need anyone else? You will find ample men who choose to do so, what stops a woman?? A lot of them are opting to do so. And why the knee jerk reaction? Why should the bride make all the adjustments? Why can't the guys family also make some adjustments? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lurker Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 I think the marriage is finally becoming a fair experience for the woman. Women are not the only ones who are expected to make all the adjustments. To be honest...in the last few years I have seen a lot of MILs who are willing to make more and more adjustments and in such cases ..the saas bahu relationship is more of respect and friendship. The days of the tyrant saas are fast becoming over. Hilarious!!! So who were the saas? MEN? How is marriage becoming a "fair" experience for women when the one who was battering them was also a women! Cry me a river and all that jazz. A lot of them are opting to do so. And why the knee jerk reaction? What knee-jerk reaction? It is rather simple. Today there is gender equality. If you want equal rights you better start behaving deserving of one. I am NOT gonna think of you as a "poor" girl if you are NOT strong for yourself. Simple. Why should the bride make all the adjustments? Why can't the guys family also make some adjustments? You have moved the goalpost completely now havent you? My question remains - When you say "Adjustment the guy has to make! Haha" then you better prove that guys of our generation have NOT made adjustments, else the joke is squarely on you! xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beetle Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 >>>Let me hear your argument before I classify you as a feminist. Why do you think men of our era have NOT had to make adjustment. Go on make your case. May be because these men think that since they are the ones who go out and earn the money...they kind of become the dominant partner in the marriage . Why do people think that women who stay at home just have fun and do not do enough to earn their living(based on the arguments in another thread). How many of us have seen our mothers sit around at home doing nothing?The poor housewives work day in and day out 24/7 ......365 days in a year. Without any break. Why is this considered not money earned? That exactly is the reason the woman in traditional families are expected to make all the adjustment. The attitude is"mera beta kamaa ke khila raha hai" Now with women also earning.....they are no longer willing to take whatever is thrown at them. Hell some of my cousins earn more than their husbands but are expected to come homeand "adjust". Seriously...I do't see most of them living in the joint family for long....and won't be surprised to see a few divorces in these families that refuse to adjust. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beetle Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 >>>Hilarious!!! So who were the saas? MEN? How is marriage becoming a "fair" experience for women when the one who was battering them was also a women! Cry me a river and all that jazz. By woman I mean ...the bahu.sorry... my mistake Saas is the one who has gone through the whole unfortunate experiencein her days and waits to give it back or carry on the tradition(not all mils...but a lot in traditional homes)...a bit like ragging.Humari bhi hui thi...ab humari baari hai. yeah...I agree...aurat ki sabse badi dushman aurat hai. The article is not about men vs women...but about traditional marriages breaking down. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest HariSampath Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 And why is it that women earning are "sacrificing"....when men who have been doing it for eternity, are "doing their duty"...and women wanting to care for their parents are "liberated", but men wanting to take care of their moms and Dads are "male chauvinists" ???? totally stupid.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beetle Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 >>>My question remains - When you say "Adjustment the guy has to make! Haha" then you better prove that guys of our generation have NOT made adjustments, else the joke is squarely on you! I don't know aboutNRI guys in your generation..... But most guys in the traditional joint families expect the wives to adjust to the family... What adjustment is theguy making. Gets a wife who looks after him and he gets to be mollycoddled by his mom too. Besides he can always run to hismother if he ever is on the recieving end from his wife:P If he gets the seedhi saadi wife...then uski balle balle.....He gets to be king. But if the wife is not the sedhi saadhi cow type ...that is when theproblem startsbecause the whole arrangement hinges on the bahu making the adjustment.If not...then in most families it is either breaking up of the family or as in recent times...even divorce. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beetle Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 another aspect. its not only about adjusting. nowadays both the spouses work and quite often they do become a victim of ego related issues. they may still love each other but wait for the other to make a move....many times it gets too late and an inevitable divorce follows. i think this must be traumatic. There is this very busy couple I know. Hubby is full time fauji and wife has a demanding job that leaves her very little time. They are also very health conscious ...so most evening the hubby runs around the park and the wife briskly walks .Any I swear they often use the phone to talk to each other.....:D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fineleg Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 To put it succintly: You cannot take relationships for granted. Both man and woman needs to work on a continual basis on the relationship intentionally (not granted) to keep it alive and well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beetle Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 To put it succintly: You cannot take relationships for granted. Both man and woman needs to work on a continual basis on the relationship intentionally (not granted) to keep it alive and well. So true... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lurker Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 I don't know aboutNRI guys in your generation. But most guys in the traditional joint families expect the wives to adjust to the family. That is not fair at all Beetle. Most NRI were Indians at one time. Most of us have come through the ladder, living as single bachelor men in Delhi, Mumbai, Patna wherever and a lot of us learnt cooking the hard way. I am sure you have seen many a cooking threads right here with inputs from guys. And in my personal experience the more girls I meet at work, the less becomes my confidence in their culinary skills. Again to use an example, how many girls today know how to make all those dozen kind of pickles(achaar) that your or mine Mom made with their eyes closed? Point being just as guys have improved on their skills similarly girls skills have come down. You may want to disagree but thats the way it is. What adjustment is theguy making. Gets a wife who looks after him and he gets to be mollycoddled by his mom too. Besides he can always run to hismother if he ever is on the recieving end from his wife:P You need to meet better men in your life :P Seriously what self-respecting man would want a wife to look after him?? And how exactly would the wife look after him? By putting his trousers, pants, shoes as he comes out of the shower? Show me the man(and the wife) and I will show you two losers of this era. But if the wife is not the sedhi saadhi cow type ...that is when theproblem startsbecause the whole arrangement hinges on the bahu making the adjustment.If not...then in most families it is either breaking up of the family or as in recent times...even divorce. There lies your problem. You are being overly defensive about women. Reading your post I get the feeling that females are good while males are all jalaads. The reason why marriage doesnt work is the same reason why a relationship doesnt work. The two dont make compromises. Simple. Just as you insinuate men take women for granted so can I make the argument too. I know enough women who get swayed by money, power and material goods and yes I am talking of decent women. Just as some men harass women if she is not seedhi, similarly many women harass men if he is seedha! Or if he is not earning enough to support their lifestyle. These days every house in Delhi/Mumbai has atleast a couple of helps. A domestic help that cooks, the other that cleans. My Mom raised 3 kids in a 11 ghar house and had absolutely no help. And she was a History Professor. Give me a girl of today who can match that and then we will talk :hatsoff: xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest HariSampath Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 Wives are all devils....t, they cant cook for nuts...they get in the way of football and cricket....and always like costly clothes :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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