New Physiological Connection established...

[THX_1138]

The New England Journal of Medicine has recently published a new paper based on the research of Dr. A. Q Khan II, and Messers Khan, Ali and Wahlid conducted at the John Hopkins School of Medicine and Sports Science that demonstrates a connection between the consumption of animal protein and callouses on palms that inhibit the natural grip of the palm. The study was conducted over a sample of 2000 volunteers of whom a control group of predominantly south asian men, in particular, short, dark skinned, oily hair (all round undesirable by female tennis players of marginal talent), were administered a diet of leafy vegetables, plant based oils, rice and wheat products. Whereas the other volunteers, of a similar demographic, though taller, beautiful fair skinned, long straight gorgeous hair (all round desirable candidates by female tennis players of seriously marginal talent but hyped as they were at one junction hailed as the hope for women's liberation in oppressed minorities) were administered a diet of goat, cows, chicken etc (curiously none of the volunteers tried the bacon often served as part of the breakfast meals) and a combination of other high protein foods. Thereafter, over a period of six months the volunteers were judged on their physiological development, with the criterion ranging from muscle mass gained, height increase, size of phallus and weight of testicles etc and related physical prowess. the later was judged using an empirical measure of their bowling velocities as it was the one sport found overwhelmingly common amongst all the volunteers. The volunteers were instructed to bowl on a regular 22 yard pitch to a local chapter of a cricket club's batting lineup. the speeds at which the volunteers bowled were measured and this process was repeated on a weekly basis. In between the measurement sessions the volunteers were permitted to engage in other activities of their choosing, and while most of the control group peculiarly chose to shut themselves in their rooms and read textbooks on advance mathematics and neural networks, the rest of the study subjects engaged in exotic horticulture. Such were the nature of the plants grown that the Drug Enforcement Agency took notice. Eventually after the period of study was over, the scientists concluded that the volunteers who were administered a diet rich, one might even label it inundated, with animal protein demonstrated that on an average as compared to the control group, they gained 12 lbs of more muscle, 5 inches in height, an inch and a half in phallic length, and about 28gms greater weight in their respective testicles. Furthermore, they demonstrated that as compared to the control group, the former achieved an additional 10mph in bowling speeds. However, the other findings of the research that were not emphasized and this journalist feels, even a bit suppressed were that most of the control group bowled a variation of bowling known as 'spin' and achieved a greater success rate at befuddling the batsmen who were assisting with the study. Furthermore, while bowling at faster speeds, the other study subjects were rather wayward and ineffective in the judgement of the said batsmen. Furthermore, upon follow up with the volunteers, this journalist noted a curious physiological development in the volunteers administered the animal protein diet: the volunteers were demonstrating a previously unknown side effect: excess activity of the epithelial oil glands on the forehands leading to a medical condition that has come to be known by the euphemism "butter fingers". This side effect prevents the patient from gripping high to low velocity projectiles, even if the later are directed straight towards the subject. A remarkable disease, it was leading to horrific complications for the patients and resulted in social and behavioral peculiarities such as fear of public speaking, inability to pronounce words of a foreign language, forgetfulness (as many as two dozen of the volunteers this journalist spoke with had forgotten their home and vehicle keys in vehicles parked on busy main streets). Furthermore, such complications prevented a large number of the volunteers from maintaining full time employment, and were thus dependent on their uncles for rent and food money. curiously, their uncles shared a common name: 'Sam'. the control group volunteers were however a lot more difficult to contact. while messages were left with their secretaries at their manhattan offices, no replies had been received at the time of printing. furthermore some stated that their motivation for the volunteering for the study were to avoid the inconveniences of cooking three meals a day as the due dates on their thesises approached.

[Riley's Girl]

Beyond awesome!

[Sachinism]

Genius. From the 1st line I thought something was off but it was so well written, I had doubts. :hatsoff:

[Riley's Girl]

Wasn't sure myself until I hit the 2nd paragraph.

[abhinav]

Brilliant stuff..top drawer all the way! :clap:

[flamy]

Fabulous! :haha::haha::haha::haha::haha::haha: