I'm desperate to play for England, but they might never take the risk

[King]

Cricket: Marcus Trescothick pauses momentarily in the lobby of the players' pavilion at Edgbaston, just to make sure his place in cricket history is intact. There, on consecutive lines near the foot of the roll of honour of batsmen who have made Test centuries at the ground, is the name ME Trescothick, the figures 105 and 107, the opponents West Indies and the year 2004More... I'm desperate to play for England, but they might never take the risk Trescothick reveals the pain behind his Test exile By PETER HAYTER Marcus Trescothick pauses momentarily in the lobby of the players' pavilion at Edgbaston, just to make sure his place in cricket history is intact. There, on consecutive lines near the foot of the roll of honour of batsmen who have made Test centuries at the ground, is the name ME Trescothick, the figures 105 and 107, the opponents West Indies and the year 2004. He remains the only man to score two hundreds at Edgbaston in the same Test. To Trescothick's supporters the sight is as poignant as it is reassuring; the certainty that he has been one heck of a player for England, now trying desperately to nudge out the uncertainty over whether he ever will play for them again. For that was then, two years before the stressrelated breakdown that made most of 2006 a living hell and led him to quit not one tour — to India, in February — but two, after his premature exit from the defence of the Ashes, in November. Scroll down to read more: More....

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At that time, by his own admission, he was a "shambles, devastated, unfit to play and unfit to be anywhere near the team." Now it is a grey Friday afternoon in rainy Birmingham on the day England announced another squad without his name in it, this time under new one-day skipper Paul Collingwood for the upcoming one-day action against West Indies. Trescothick has just got off the coach from Taunton with his Somerset team-mates for a Twenty20 slogfest with Warwickshire. While the 31-year old opener insists he is not yet ready to make himself available for England, the good news is that he firmly believes that day is coming closer. He is equally adamant he must not rush back, for the risks to his health of another setback are simply too great to ignore. "Of course I'd love to be playing for England again and watching them this summer has sometimes been painful for me," he said. "I've seen every Test on TV and it's been 'God, I miss this, I miss this a lot'. When the first Test started at Lord's I was very twitchy. It was so tough because I felt so desperate to get back into it. "If you had asked me the day before that match: 'Could you play here?' I'd have said Yes. But just because I wanted to do it, didn't make it the right thing to do. It's hard. I'm not stupid. I'm 31, coming up to 32 on Christmas Day and I've got to be realistic. Thirty-two is no age to finish an international career. "Of course I want to get back in the side as soon as possible, because of the timescale. But I mustn't start to worry about it. I understand the big dilemma: can the selectors take the risk of picking me to go abroad on tour? Can they invest in me after what has happened? "Clearly, if I want to continue my career I have to undertake another tour. But for now, if and when I get back to full fitness and I think I am OK and ready to play, I'll make myself available for England. If they don't pick me, that is just tough. "I'm not giving up hope. I have great memories of my time playing for England, of making hundreds, of winning the Ashes. The feeling of being able to perform in those situations is what spurs me on to get back into it." Chairman of selectors David Graveney is at pains to stress that Trescothick is still in England's thoughts. He said: "The last thing we would do is put any pressure on Marcus, he is still very much part of our long-term planning but we will wait for him to get in touch with us." Any idea when they can expect a call? "I'm not ready yet," said Trescothick. "But I have made strides since the start of the season, I am improving and I'm certain I'm getting closer." To appreciate the significance of that assertion, it is necessary to rewind to the moment when he was in the depths of his despair, slumped in tears on the dressing-room floor at the Sydney Cricket Ground, 10 days before the first Ashes Test in Brisbane. He was listening to — but not really hearing — the medical advice that he should fly home immediately. At that time, the idea of playing cricket for England again was not only impossibly far-fetched, it was also totally irrelevant. All that concerned him was how he was ever going to be free from the sense of hopelessness overwhelming him. "I've dealt a lot with what it was like for me when things were at their worst," said Trescothick. "You cannot just dismiss it or pretend it never happened because if you do and somewhere along the line it comes back to haunt you, you will not be prepared to fight it. "The scariest time was coming back from India because I just didn't have a clue what was going on. I couldn't understand why I was feeling the way I was. I was not able to deal with anything. I was nervous and anxious about everything and everybody. All of a sudden everything caved in on me all at once. I was so scared. "I know now that people do understand if you give them the chance to understand by being honest. But at the time I didn't want to talk about my illness because not only was I frightened of what I was experiencing, I was also frightened of how other people would react." Hence the infamous television interview in which he claimed he had left India because of a "mystery virus". "But then, after recovering enough to go to Australia, the lowest point was having to quit the tour, the realisation of what I was actually doing. Two years earlier we had won the Ashes and I had had the best series of my career. "Now I was sitting there thinking: 'I've built myself up for this rematch, this is what I play cricket for and I can't do it'. "It should have been one of the most exciting, exhilarating occasions of my career but not only was I unfit to play, I was unfit to be anywhere near the team. God, it was horrible. "I believe the turning point for me was when I finally came clean about my problems. It wasn't easy, but being open and honest with the public was the best thing I could have done and it began the process of me being open and honest with myself." Judging by his current state of health and form, the signs are encouraging. Watching him take stick from his county team-mates — "Andy Caddick and me cop it left, right and centre, you wouldn't believe how much" — and looking at his figures this season (715 runs in 11 innings at 65 in four-day cricket, with a highest score of 284 against Northants and 182 against Leicestershire) it is clear Trescothick is enjoying his cricket again. "I have learned techniques to help me cope with what has happened and to make sure that if the problems come back I know exactly how to deal with them," he said. "There are certain things, certain procedures, I'll probably have to do for the rest of my life. "It is not a question of saying 'I'm cured' but at least I'm forewarned now. And maybe, after going to hell and back, I can help someone else avoid the journey."