Captaincy for dummies

[Sachinism]

There is only one universal rule to captaining a cricket team: you must instill fear in your players. Do this by making an example of a younger player, preferably by shouting at him for failing to bring you your beer/lassi/tea at the correct temperature. Make sure to violently spit out the beverage for extra effect. Top Tip: If your team is aging, try using a player who might well up relatively easily, e.g. Mitchell Johnson, Sreesanth. However, every country has its nuances, and so some personalised advice for the captain of each cricketing nation: If you're captain of Australia, keep saying you're in a "rebuilding phase". Nod along to this phrase while you're saying it, and lazy journalists are guaranteed to subliminally absorb it as fact, and use it as a subheadline in tomorrow's paper. Also, distance yourself from your past relationship with Lara Bingle, your half-naked calendar shoots, and spread the rumour that you love hunting - "especially Poms". Top Tip: It is only okay to cry at press conferences if you're impersonating a "whingeing Pom", e.g. Stuart Broad. Captain of Bangladesh? Play to your strengths. Play 10 spinners, and one wicketkeeper who can bowl offbreaks if necessary. Ah, so you're an England captain? Which one? If in doubt, just nod along to whatever Andy Flower says. If a tall Texan stranger offers you a briefcase full of cash, best turn it down. Avoid flying as pilot or co-pilot in a biplane. If captaining India, there's nothing to be worried about. Except that as a contingency, it's worth setting up an effigy factory - if the worst happens and you get knocked out of a tournament by the likes of England, at least you'll be making plenty of cash on the side. Oh, and make sure you're on excellent terms with Ravi Shastri, who will respond in kind by referring to you as a "cool customer". Dedicate your wins to Sachin, and explain your losses away as a legacy of Greg Chappell's tenure. Failing that, you can always blame them on Sreesanth. You're captain of Ireland? Well, get that thought out of your head. From now on, you're the ugly kid in high school all over again, and you're desperate to get a date with the hot cheerleader. Hard as it may be to envisage Sharad Pawar with pom-poms, in this case, your hot cheerleader is the ICC. If a tree falls in a forest, can anybody hear it? If you're captain of New Zealand, and you speak at a press conference, does anybody even care? If you're unfortunate enough to be burdened with the Pakistan captaincy, become best friends with the important people in your national set-up, even totally incompetent ones like Ijaz Butt. Make sure you agree with whatever they say, even if it means publicly backing an Akmal brother as wicketkeeper. If you don't, you'll probably not make it very far. This is not necessarily a bad thing. If you last more than a handful of press conferences, keep noting how your team reminds you of Imran's "Cornered Tigers". Take extra care to bite your tongue, even if you know in your heart of hearts that Abdul Razzaq should be an automatic pick in all three forms of the game. NB: If you are reading this and your name is Shahid Afridi, we are honoured you have read this far. Just like Test cricket, we doubt instruction manuals can hold your attention. You're captain of South Africa? Let me guess: you're AB de Villiers, right? If so, do nothing. You're already perfect. Probably a good idea to learn the Heimlich Manoeuvre, though. Also, keep a laminated card with Duckworth-Lewis permutations in your pocket at all times. Top Tip: Remember to always add one run to said Duckworth-Lewis total. If captain of Sri Lanka, please tell Lasith Malinga that he has been dropped from the side indefinitely. In fact, drop anybody else who thinks: "Dammit, a pigeon crapped on my head! Wait, I actually kinda like it... you know what would go great with this? Jheri curls!" Thinking about captaining the West Indies? Don't. But if you must: Give the ball to Chris Gayle. Give the bat to Chris Gayle. If you're captain of Zimbabwe, get Michael Holding to repeatedly say "Ta-ten-dah Tay-booooooo" over the PA. His molasses drawl will distract your opponents, to the extent that they will start practising their own impressions of the most awesome voice in cricket pronouncing the most awesome name in cricket. http://www.espncricinfo.com/page2/content/story/515244.html

[Cricket Tragic]

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