vroomfondel Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 PTI 12/02/2008 19:09 IST Responding to militant attacks on the Indian Mega-city of Mumbai, the Indian government has outlined a calibrated response to assure its citizenry of security ahead of the upcoming national elections. Under increasing pressure from common citizens, the government has hastily formed a National Committee on Security Affairs (NCSA), to increase coordiation of of the National Security Agency (NSA), Research and Analysis Wing (RAW) and the Intellgence Bureau (IB). The main aim of the NCSA is to centralize the resignation procedures of government officials during the next terrorist attack. "Shameful scenes of uncoordinated resignations from different government posts do not reflect well on an emerging world power", said a spokeswoman. "With the NCSA, we want to project a united backside when turning tail and running away from our responsibilities", she added. To facilitate this coordination, the NCSA is being staffed with expendable bureaucrats, and a highly trained cadre of typists to write resignation letters perfectly suited to the occasion. The typist to officer ratio is to be maintained at 2:1, so that a single officer can simultaneously shy away from multiple responsibilities at once. "Each resignation letter will be duplicated with state-of-the-art carbon copy technology, and kept on file for further use, since we expect the same incidents to occur repeatedly", added the spokeswoman. In a statement issued by the Defense Ministry, India has claimed that the attackers have origins in a country outside India, but would not say which country. The Ministry "demanded" that strong action be taken against the sponsors of terrorism in the unnamed country. Senior political analyst and South-Asian Affairs expert, Russell Peters, comments on the issue: "In the political science community, we refer to this strategy as 'deniable deniability'. In essence, in responding to a crisis, the state in question will claim that 'somebody gonna geta hurt real bad', without explicitly pointing the finger at who, in fact, would be hurt". Peters claims that India has taken this strategy to another level by obfuscating not only the identity of the attackers, but also the punitive measures it threatened to take. "In essence, India is saying that 'somebody gonna have something happen, which may or may not be real bad', which is tactically brilliant, because let's face it something is likely to happen to someone somewhere in the world and vindicate India's stand". As part of its calibrated response, the Defense Ministry has faxed a list of 20 individuals to the unnamed country, requesting immediate extradition. "We have purchased a state-of-the-art color fax-cum-photostat machine to fax the needful to the number given by the captured terrorist. There is a small chit of paper that came out of the fax machine that confirms that the fax indeed went through. Nevertheless, we have faxed it again, so there is very little chance that they didn't receive it", said the ministry spokesperson. Prime Minister Manmohan Singh and his remaining cabinet have formed a circle around the fax machine, and are taking turns staying awake awaiting the response, which is yet to arrive. The Defense ministry is being very aggressive about its demands and has threatened to repeatedly fax the list to the given number until it receives a response or the bill gets too high. Further, in light of public outcry at the lack of equipment of security forces and infrastructure, the home ministry has placed an order for 4 million biscuits of different varieties to be used for the next such event. The biscuits are to be used in a calibrated manner with Monaco's and Marie's to be fed to state-level officials, and Good-days to be reserved for Central government meetings. NSG commandos will not be given biscuits, but would instead be given permission to purchase their own if they wanted. "Even though this is a small incident in a big city, and really we did quite well with the limited resources that were given to us by insert next higher official, we have bolstered our capability to have multiple crisis management meetings at once when the next crisis happens", said the Home Minister reading a prepared statement. The Home Ministry later corrected the statement, replacing "insert next higher official" with "Central Government". Further, the government has ordered 100 million high quality candles for candle-light vigils showing "solidarity" and "never-say-die-spirit" following subsequent disasters. The candles will be distributed to upper-class Indians as the need arises. English banners and makeup are prerequisite to candles being provided. Children, Christians and Muslims are highly encouraged to apply. The government is also soliciting experts in washing blood from hands, and private security firms to ensure Z-security levels in the event of balkanization of the Indian state. Applicants may apply directly to party offices of Congress, BJP, SP, JD, CPI, and associated agencies.
vroomfondel Posted December 3, 2008 Author Posted December 3, 2008 Not funny :(( oh come on, you didn't even laugh at "photostat"? i haven't used that word since I was copying notes from someone in class 12... or is it that I didn't mention Parle-G?
Holysmoke Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 oh come on, you didn't even laugh at "photostat"? i haven't used that word since I was copying notes from someone in class 12... or is it that I didn't mention Parle-G? Its just that they are capable of pulling this off :(( BTW, nowadays brittania bourbon is the "garam" thing..
vroomfondel Posted December 3, 2008 Author Posted December 3, 2008 Its just that they are capable of pulling this off :(( BTW, nowadays brittania bourbon is the "garam" thing.. yeah, us NRIs are stuck in the days of monaco and parle-g. Abhi bas American passport ho jaye, and then I can enjoy eating and being an oreo:winky:
Holysmoke Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 and then I can enjoy eating and being an oreo:winky: Now that was :haha:
vroomfondel Posted December 3, 2008 Author Posted December 3, 2008 This will come back to haunt you in a unique way vroom Bheem, I believe you. Line between bad satire and preemptive journalism has been blurred.
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