Dark Warrior Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 My girlfriend woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. So I gently put her back on the floor. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
punjabiplaya Posted May 16, 2011 Author Share Posted May 16, 2011 Wouldn't it be ironic if David Villa played for Aston Villa. Antonio Valencia played for Valencia and Danny shi*tu played for West Ham. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sachinism Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 I just bet £100 at the bookies that they would find Maddie, at 1000-1 odds. That way, if they ever do find her, I'll be able to afford Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
punjabiplaya Posted May 17, 2011 Author Share Posted May 17, 2011 A bloke bursting for the loo uses the ladies in a posh hotel. He sits down and notices 4 buttons: WW, WA, PP, ATR...... curious, he presses WW and is gently sprayed with warm water, then WA and a blast of warm air dries him. PP and a powder puff which leaves him smelling fresh. Feeling pampered he presses ATR.... He wakes up in hospital and asked the nurse "What happened?" she says "ATR, Automatic Tampon Remover - your co*k is under your pillow" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
punjabiplaya Posted May 17, 2011 Author Share Posted May 17, 2011 Waiters in Tenerife should really learn English , the poor woman asked for DECAFFEINATED !!!! :cantstop: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
punjabiplaya Posted May 17, 2011 Author Share Posted May 17, 2011 Sir Alex and Kenny Dalglish walk into a bar, the barman says sorry kenny over 18s only Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
punjabiplaya Posted May 17, 2011 Author Share Posted May 17, 2011 Opened my freezer earlier, and was confronted by a tiny alien wanking on my frozen vegetables!!!! I said "What the feck are you doing?!" It said........wait for it!!!!!!!!! I cum in pea's!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dark Warrior Posted May 18, 2011 Share Posted May 18, 2011 What is the biggest problem for an atheist?..........No one to talk to during orgasm. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
punjabiplaya Posted May 18, 2011 Author Share Posted May 18, 2011 2 drunks visit a brothel.The Madam takes a look at them & says to her manager, "Go put inflatable dolls in 2 bedrooms. These guys are too drunk to notice"During the walk home, one says "I think my girl was dead.She never moved or made a sound"The 2nd guy says,"I think mine was a witch" "Why do you think that" asks his friend. "Well, I bit her ar*e, she farted in my face and then flew out of the fecking window" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
punjabiplaya Posted May 18, 2011 Author Share Posted May 18, 2011 My mate found out last night that he is both gay and dyslexic. But he can't come to terms with it, he's still in daniel. :cantstop: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
punjabiplaya Posted May 18, 2011 Author Share Posted May 18, 2011 Husband says to wife " what would you do if I won the lotto? Wife replies " I'd take half and then leave you" Husband says " excellent , I won £12 , here's £6. Now feck off" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stuge Posted May 18, 2011 Share Posted May 18, 2011 Husband says to wife " what would you do if I won the lotto? Wife replies " I'd take half and then leave you" Husband says " excellent , I won £12 , here's £6. Now feck off" mc .. :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::cantstop: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
punjabiplaya Posted May 19, 2011 Author Share Posted May 19, 2011 An Arab is interviewed at the Embassy for a visa: Consul: Your name please? Arab: Abu Zina. Consul: Sex? Arab: Every day. Consul: Eh, I mean, male or female? Arab: Don't matter, sometimes even Camel. Consul: Holy cow! Arab: Yes, cows and donkey too. Consul: Isn't that hostile? Arab: Horsetyle, Dogstyle, any style!. Consul: Oh dear! Arab: No deer! As*hole too tight and run too fast! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
punjabiplaya Posted May 19, 2011 Author Share Posted May 19, 2011 Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desi Cartman Posted May 19, 2011 Share Posted May 19, 2011 An Arab is interviewed at the Embassy for a visa: Consul: Your name please? Arab: Abu Zina. Consul: Sex? Arab: Every day. Consul: Eh, I mean, male or female? Arab: Don't matter, sometimes even Camel. Consul: Holy cow! Arab: Yes, cows and donkey too. Consul: Isn't that hostile? Arab: Horsetyle, Dogstyle, any style!. Consul: Oh dear! Arab: No deer! As*hole too tight and run too fast! Lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sid Posted May 19, 2011 Share Posted May 19, 2011 An Arab is interviewed at the Embassy for a visa: Consul: Your name please? Arab: Abu Zina. Consul: Sex? Arab: Every day. Consul: Eh, I mean, male or female? Arab: Don't matter, sometimes even Camel. Consul: Holy cow! Arab: Yes, cows and donkey too. Consul: Isn't that hostile? Arab: Horsetyle, Dogstyle, any style!. Consul: Oh dear! Arab: No deer! As*hole too tight and run too fast! Husband says to wife " what would you do if I won the lotto? Wife replies " I'd take half and then leave you" Husband says " excellent , I won £12 , here's £6. Now feck off" :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::cantstop: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
punjabiplaya Posted May 19, 2011 Author Share Posted May 19, 2011 Last night I was awoken by four West Ham fans outside my house playing football with a hedgehog. I was absolutely disgusted and just about to call the RSPCA when the hedgehog went 1-0 up... :hysterical: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
punjabiplaya Posted May 19, 2011 Author Share Posted May 19, 2011 11 yr old Julie gets her 1st period. Uncomfortable with talking 2 her parents about wots happening, she decides 2 talk 2 her little brother. 'Wots wrong with me?' she gasps as she whips up her skirt 2 show him her bleeding fanny. Johnny looks puzzled 4 a while then says "i'm no expert, but it looks like someone's ripped your bollocks off!" :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cндябеяs Posted May 20, 2011 Share Posted May 20, 2011 An Arab is interviewed at the Embassy for a visa: Consul: Your name please? Arab: Abu Zina. Consul: Sex? Arab: Every day. Consul: Eh, I mean, male or female? Arab: Don't matter, sometimes even Camel. Consul: Holy cow! Arab: Yes, cows and donkey too. Consul: Isn't that hostile? Arab: Horsetyle, Dogstyle, any style!. Consul: Oh dear! Arab: No deer! As*hole too tight and run too fast! :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dark Warrior Posted May 20, 2011 Share Posted May 20, 2011 I tried a.nal sex with my girlfriend last night, but I think I was doing it wrong.However hard I pushed I could not get my @rse into her p*ssy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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