Sid Posted February 3, 2012 Posted February 3, 2012 An old man & his grandson went into a bookies. The boy asks his grandpa if he could put a bet on. "If you can touch ur ar*e with ur dick' date=' u can have a bet." says grandad. "I can't" says lad. "Well, ur not old enough then." So the boy goes next door, buys a scratch card & wins Ž£50,000! He told his grandpa, who suggested they split the winnings 50-50. "Can you touch your ar*e with your dick?" asks the boy. "Yes!" shouts grandpa. "Well, go feck yourself[/quote'] :hysterical::hysterical:
punjabiplaya Posted February 5, 2012 Author Posted February 5, 2012 John Terry was asked about losing the captain's armband. "I didn't lose it," he snapped. "Some black fecker must've stolen it."
punjabiplaya Posted February 5, 2012 Author Posted February 5, 2012 "Mum, all the black kids call each other Nig*a, but when I call them it I get in trouble." "That's because you're a police officer." :haha:
punjabiplaya Posted February 5, 2012 Author Posted February 5, 2012 Gay pakis Dyslexics can't wait for the 14th of February.. they think's it's Vaseline day
punjabiplaya Posted February 5, 2012 Author Posted February 5, 2012 It's snowing in Ilford at the moment... First white thing I've seen all day.
Sidhoni Posted February 6, 2012 Posted February 6, 2012 Two Friends were sitting at last bench in a boring lecture! =D 1st- Its so boring even my *Bums have fallen asleep !! ;( 2nd- Ya ! I heard 'em *Snoring twice !!
punjabiplaya Posted February 7, 2012 Author Posted February 7, 2012 I recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16.I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No, this is my first time."So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty."Just a minute." she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside."Do these excite you?" she asked.Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was shake my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her knickers and sat down at a desk."Well, come on," she said, "we don't have much time."So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW. I was done within a few minutes.She looked at me with a bit of a frown, "Did you put that condom on?" she asked.I said, "I sure did." and held up my thumb to show her.She fainted. :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical:
J P K Posted February 8, 2012 Posted February 8, 2012 ^^ epic :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical:
gaurav92 Posted February 8, 2012 Posted February 8, 2012 I recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16.I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No, this is my first time."So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty."Just a minute." she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside."Do these excite you?" she asked.Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was shake my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her knickers and sat down at a desk."Well, come on," she said, "we don't have much time."So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW. I was done within a few minutes.She looked at me with a bit of a frown, "Did you put that condom on?" she asked.I said, "I sure did." and held up my thumb to show her.She fainted. :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical: :hysterical:
Sid Posted February 8, 2012 Posted February 8, 2012 I recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16.I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No, this is my first time."So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty."Just a minute." she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside."Do these excite you?" she asked.Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was shake my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her knickers and sat down at a desk."Well, come on," she said, "we don't have much time."So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW. I was done within a few minutes.She looked at me with a bit of a frown, "Did you put that condom on?" she asked.I said, "I sure did." and held up my thumb to show her.She fainted. :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical: :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical:
punjabiplaya Posted February 10, 2012 Author Posted February 10, 2012 spent £5000 on a boob job for the wife - she was delighted. I spent another £2000 on a nose job for her, she was ecstatic. I spent £2000 on liposuction for her and she was over the moon. I spent £30 on a blow job for myself and she goes mental. WOMEN!! :haha::haha:
1983-2011 Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 For valentines day I decided to buy my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo.. If she doesn't like the slippers she can go and **** herself!.
1983-2011 Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 A guy walks up to a girl in a bar: -"Please allow me to introduce myself... John Snow! Whats your name gorgeous?" -"Summer" -"How would you like to be on the front cover of tomorrows paper?" -"How would that happen?" -"I can already see the headlines... '10 inches of Snow in Summer'"
1983-2011 Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 Apparently one in six people live in India. 5 out of 6 of Indians live in Birmingham.
1983-2011 Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 The wife wants to go to India for our holiday this year. Typical, that's the only place in the world that fat cow would be considered sacred.
punjabiplaya Posted February 14, 2012 Author Posted February 14, 2012 My wife just called me. She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day, they are absolutely gorgeous." I said, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."
punjabiplaya Posted February 14, 2012 Author Posted February 14, 2012 I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts. "Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try." After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience. "Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?" "Yesterday?" I replied. :winky:
punjabiplaya Posted February 14, 2012 Author Posted February 14, 2012 Luis Suarez has apologised for not shaking hands with Evra. "I didn't realise it was him," he said. "They all look the fecking same."
punjabiplaya Posted February 14, 2012 Author Posted February 14, 2012 I just got knocked off my bike by a lorry salting the roads. "FECK YOU" I screamed, through gritted teeth
punjabiplaya Posted February 14, 2012 Author Posted February 14, 2012 I saw a Paki lying unconscious in my street yesterday. I tried doing the hand-only CPR the way Vinnie Jones showed me on the British Heart Foundation advert but by the time I found my Bee Gee's CD the fecker was already dead.
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