punjabiplaya Posted April 10, 2012 Author Posted April 10, 2012 It's been reported Abu Hamza has been claiming £1200 a week in benefits which raises some serious questions. Not least, who filled the forms out?
CSK Fan Posted April 10, 2012 Posted April 10, 2012 :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical: Awesome, awesome jokes punjabiplaya
J P K Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 Before IPL, Kohli: Hello, 264444? Can I speak to Malinga? After IPL, Malinga: Hello, 464626? Can I speak to Kohli? :hysterical: :hysterical:
1983-2011 Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 Man goes to india for a cheap **** extension. The surgeon suggests a baby elephants trunk stitched on for Ž£3000. Man agrees. 6 weeks later while having dinner with his new girlfriend he feels an unusual stirring in his pants & thinks this is the night. While chatting over dinner his **** flys out steals an apple off the table & goes back. "Wow" she says "...can you do that again?" He replies "My **** can but i dont think my **** hole can take another apple!
1983-2011 Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 My Jewish mate has been with his Tourette's suffering girlfriend for years now. I always wondered what kept them together. Then I saw the swear jar.
1983-2011 Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 My wife's really into threesomes. Shame it's starters, mains and desserts.
1983-2011 Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 "Jesus loves you." A nice gesture in church. A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
1983-2011 Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 I got chatting to a girl in a bar last night and after buying her a drink I said, "I think I should tell you that I suffer from premature ejaculation". "I admire your honesty", she answered, "But I only met you ten minutes ago, there's no guarantee that I'm going to have sex with you". "Oh, I know that", I replied, "I just didn't want you to think that I'd wet myself."
1983-2011 Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced. That's why people with no sense of humour have an increased sense of self-importance.
1983-2011 Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 A bikini is an outfit where 90% of a woman's body is exposed. The amazing fact is that men are so decent, they only look at the 10% that isn't.
1983-2011 Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 A golfer is walking down the road carrying his clubs when he sees an Arab being held up at gunpoint. He pulls out a wedge and smashes it over the back of the robber's head, knocking him unconscious. "You probably saved my life," says the grateful Arab. "I am a member of the Saudi Royal Family and I have the power and money to give you anything you desire as a reward." The golfer glances at his golf bag. "Some golf clubs would be nice," he says. Two weeks later, the Sheikh's secretary calls him up. "We've got your golf clubs," she says, "but the Sheikh would like to apologise to you in advance: only three of them have swimming pools." I like this!
1983-2011 Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 I was in my taxi last night when I dropped a sexy girl off at her destination... "Oh god" she said, "I haven't got any cash on me." "Well" I replied, "there are other ways you can pay." "I was hoping you were going to say that." She said with a wink. "Great!" I said, "I'll just get the credit card machine from the boot."
1983-2011 Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 I met a girl in the bar. "How old are you?" I asked. "Sure, ask a more personal question, why don't you?" she said sarcastically. "Okay," I replied. "Do you do ****?"
1983-2011 Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 My first stand up attempt was a disaster. Mind you, I was only ten months old at the time.
1983-2011 Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 My son was ill last night so we called the doctor for a house visit. After an examination, he turned to us and said, "I think you should call a Priest." "Oh my god!" cried my wife. "Is he going to die?" "No, he's constipated," replied the doctor, "But half an hour with a Priest should loosen him up nicely."
1983-2011 Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 I was stood at the bar last night when an overweight girl came over: "Hey stud, got a name?" she purred. "Dave" I said, "but everyone calls me cake" "Wow, nice nickname. Is that 'cos you're so sweet?" she giggled. "No" I said, "it's 'cos when I'm out, every fat **** tries to get their hands on me."
1983-2011 Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 A blonde woman is out at a nightclub, sitting with her friends bragging about how good she's got it; " You see girls, I wasn't vain and stupid like all of you, I took a chance on a man who didn't have it all, and look how things turned out for me. That poor crippled bastard, he's loaded an lets me sleep with whoever I want just as long as he gets to watch me doing it". I really do have it all. The man in question meanwhile is sitting with his friends; "I told you all, this wheelchair would make miracles happen. She has no idea that I can walk and that she's paying for me and her lifestyle with all the money I make from the porn movies she lets me make of her".
gaurav92 Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 A bikini is an outfit where 90% of a woman's body is exposed. The amazing fact is that men are so decent, they only look at the 10% that isn't. :giggle:
Desi Cartman Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 "Jesus loves you." A nice gesture in church. A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison. :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical:
1983-2011 Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 I went into the tourist information office and asked Paddy behind the counter which was the quickest way to Dublin.......he said "are you driving or are you walking"......I replied, "I'm driving" to which Paddy said "well, that'll be the quickest way"!!!
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