punjabiplaya Posted October 11, 2012 Author Posted October 11, 2012 I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.
punjabiplaya Posted October 11, 2012 Author Posted October 11, 2012 Man Staggers into a Hospital with Concussion, Multiple Bruises, Two Black Eyes and a 5 Iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Doctor asked 'What happened to you?' Well I was playing Golf with the wife when we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cows. I found one stuck in a cows fanny, I yelled to my wife 'this looks like yours',..... ' and I dont remember much after that!'.... :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical:
punjabiplaya Posted October 11, 2012 Author Posted October 11, 2012 I told my missus I've got a new job, having sex live on stage. She said "are you having me on?" I said "I'll ask the boss but, so far they've all been thin pretty girls" !! :hysterical::hysterical:
punjabiplaya Posted October 11, 2012 Author Posted October 11, 2012 If Abu Hamza gets the eletric chair, he can stick his hook in the air and pretend he's in a bumper car I've just watched a documentary about Abu Hamza..... I was totally hooked
punjabiplaya Posted October 12, 2012 Author Posted October 12, 2012 A young woman comes into a dentist's office to get a tooth extracted. The moment the two of them lay eyes on each other, it's instant lust. After the procedure is finished he locks the door of the exam room and they make passionate love for an hour. Over the following weeks, she comes back to his office frequently and they spend entire afternoons in the throes of passion. One day, he takes her in his arms and says, "I'm sorry, my dear, but we are going to have to stop doing this soon." "Why?" she asks. "Because you only have two teeth left."
punjabiplaya Posted October 12, 2012 Author Posted October 12, 2012 Have you ever gone up stairs and when you've got there forgot the reason why?I did, so I went back down stairs again...... and sh*t myself.
punjabiplaya Posted October 12, 2012 Author Posted October 12, 2012 Alan Pardew has told his Newcastle United players to forget all about the club's new sponsorship deal with Wonga.com. He's told them to just get on the pitch and give it 4107%.
Tendulkar_Bhai Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 i was in primark yesterday and saw a black man looking at some polyester shirts,i thought,"that`s strange they usually pick cotton
Tendulkar_Bhai Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 There was a blackout in my street last night... Everyone had to stay indoors until the police shot the ****!
gaurav92 Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 Man Staggers into a Hospital with Concussion, Multiple Bruises, Two Black Eyes and a 5 Iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Doctor asked 'What happened to you?' Well I was playing Golf with the wife when we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cows. I found one stuck in a cows fanny, I yelled to my wife 'this looks like yours',..... ' and I dont remember much after that!'.... :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical: I told my missus I've got a new job, having sex live on stage. She said "are you having me on?" I said "I'll ask the boss but, so far they've all been thin pretty girls" !! :hysterical::hysterical: A young woman comes into a dentist's office to get a tooth extracted. The moment the two of them lay eyes on each other, it's instant lust. After the procedure is finished he locks the door of the exam room and they make passionate love for an hour. Over the following weeks, she comes back to his office frequently and they spend entire afternoons in the throes of passion. One day, he takes her in his arms and says, "I'm sorry, my dear, but we are going to have to stop doing this soon." "Why?" she asks. "Because you only have two teeth left." :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical:
punjabiplaya Posted October 13, 2012 Author Posted October 13, 2012 "For Christmas, would you like one of those things that tests your blood pressure?" my wife asked. "You can feck off if you think your mum's coming for dinner again!! :haha:
punjabiplaya Posted October 14, 2012 Author Posted October 14, 2012 Its Murphy's wedding day and Paddy gets up to say his best-mans speech.,, " I will keep this short & sweet as I don't want to feck it up by saying something wrong I hope you both enjoy your honeymoon in Wales" Murphy shouts out "were not going to Wales Paddy" Paddy replies, "my mistake Murphy. I thought you said you were going to Bangor for 2 weeks solid!"
Crookbond Posted October 18, 2012 Posted October 18, 2012 anta India Gate pe chilla raha tha, 'Prime Minister nikamma hai' Delhi Police ne use pitna shuru kar diya aur bola chal thane, PM ki insult karta hai :@ Santa:- Main toh England k PM ko bol raha tha :( Delhi Police ne 2 thappad lagaye aur bola:- Bewkuf banata hai, kya hume nahi pata kahan ka PM nikamma hai ! :D
1983-2011 Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 I called my boss this morning and said, "I'm not coming into work today." "Why not?" he asked. I said, "My wife is throwing up in bed and she hasn't ironed my uniform." "That's no excuse," he shouted. I said, "I know, but try telling her that."
1983-2011 Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 Now that my son has turned 14, my wife suggested it was time that I sat down with him and talk about having sex. It was a complete waste of time. He prefers girls.
1983-2011 Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 I saw a homeless man sleeping inside a big cardboard box outside the train station this morning. Not wanting to disturb him, I crept over and put a Starbucks coffee cup on top of his box. He immediately woke up and said, "Thank you." "No problem." I smiled. He looked at me again and said, "It's empty." I said, "I know, it's meant to be a chimney."
1983-2011 Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 I sent a text to my wife last night, "Hi babe I'm at the pub with some lads, please try and wash all my dirty clothes and make sure you prepare my favourite dish before I return." I sent another text, "Babe I forgot to tell you that I got an increase in my salary at the end of the month I'm getting you a new car" She text back,"Omg really?" I replied, "No I just wanted to make sure you got my first message."
1983-2011 Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 I played FIFA with my brother last night. He was beating me, so being a bad loser, I turned the machine off. "You ****ing ****," he said, switching his dialysis back on.
1983-2011 Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 Freefalling for 4 and a half minutes? Looks like Felix Baumgartner has missed out on the best ever danger w@Nk...
punjabiplaya Posted October 20, 2012 Author Posted October 20, 2012 Archaeologists digging on a pyramid in egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts. Experts believe it to be pharaoh roche.
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