punjabiplaya Posted March 2, 2013 Author Posted March 2, 2013 - The largest cell in the human body is the female egg, and the smallest is the male sperm. - A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball (a bit bigger than a cricket ball). - It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach. - The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples. - The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb. - A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. - If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died. - Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair. - There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet. - Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one square inch. - Women blink twice as much as men. - The average person's skin weighs twice as much as their brain. - When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate...they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate! - Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't. - Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still. - If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it. - The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man. (You looked at your thumb... didn't you?)
punjabiplaya Posted March 2, 2013 Author Posted March 2, 2013 Joined a nudist colony last week. The first three days were the hardest! :cantstop:
punjabiplaya Posted March 2, 2013 Author Posted March 2, 2013 "Oh God, I think I'm going to explode any second!" I told my girlfriend."On my tits" she whispered, "do it on my tits""Really? You sure?""Yes! Quickly!! For me""Oh ok then........it's cominnnnng......."Anyway, the moral of the story is - if you've got diarrhoea, it's best to be specific! :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical:
punjabiplaya Posted March 2, 2013 Author Posted March 2, 2013 My wife came home to find me in the kitchen cooking a lovely dinner, candlelit table and place settings for two. "Oh this is a surprise," she said. "Too fecking right it is," I replied, "I didn't expect you back till Monday."
Desi Cartman Posted March 2, 2013 Posted March 2, 2013 Joined a nudist colony last week. The first three days were the hardest! :cantstop: :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical:
Sid Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 Joined a nudist colony last week. The first three days were the hardest! :cantstop: :hysterical::giggle:
1983-2011 Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 I will never understand the teenagers of today. They have unprotected sex, but have cases on their phones...
punjabiplaya Posted March 10, 2013 Author Posted March 10, 2013 I asked my Scouse mate why he only spent 3 quid on his mum for Mothers Day."That's all she she had in her purse" He said
punjabiplaya Posted March 12, 2013 Author Posted March 12, 2013 Last night I finally plucked up the courage to tell my wife that I'm a transvestite and like to wear women's clothes. I was quite surprised when she said, "Ooh! That sounds fun. I'm trying to think what you'll look like when dressed in women's clothes." "Try thinking about your mother," probably wasn't the best answer.
punjabiplaya Posted March 12, 2013 Author Posted March 12, 2013 I asked a prostitute if she was free for an hour. She said, "No, i'm fecking expensive".
Sid Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 I asked a prostitute if she was free for an hour. She said, "No, i'm fecking expensive". :giggle:
punjabiplaya Posted March 16, 2013 Author Posted March 16, 2013 My wife packed my bags today after finding out that I had a one night stand with another woman. "I want you to go!" she screamed. I said, "Please can we just talk about it first?" "Go on, I'm listening." she replied. I sat down and said, "It was the most amazing experience of my entire life :hysterical:
Sachin=GOD Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are hanging out one afternoon. Einstein is bored, so he suggests, "Let's play hide-and-seek. I'll be it!" The others agree, so Einstein begins counting. "One... Two... Three..." Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide. But Newton merely takes out a piece of chalk and draws a mid-sized square. He finishes and steps into the square just as Einstein shouts, "Ready or not -- here I come!" Einstein looks up and immediately spots Newton standing right in front of him. He says, "I found you, Newton!" Newton replies, "No, you found one Newton per square meter -- You found Pascal!"
Crookbond Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 A Little boy went to a telephone booth which was at the cash counter of a store and dialed a number. The store-owner observed and listened to the conversation: Boy: “Lady, can you give me the job of cutting your lawn?” Woman: (at the other end of the phone line) “I already have someone to cut my lawn.” Boy: “Lady, I will cut your lawn for half the price than the person who cuts your lawn now.” Woman: “I’m very satisfied with the person who is presently cutting the lawn.” Boy: (with more perseverance) “Lady, I’ll even sweep the floor and the stairs of your house for free.” Woman: “No, thank you.” With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver. The store-owner, who was listening to all this, walked over to the boy. Store-owner: “Son….I like your attitude; I like that positive spirit and would like to offer you a job.” Boy: “No thanks.” Store-owner: “But you were really pleading for one.” Boy: “No Sir, I was just checking my performance at the job I already have. I am the one who is working for that lady I was talking to!” *”This is called Self Appraisal”
punjabiplaya Posted March 24, 2013 Author Posted March 24, 2013 Paddy and murphy in tesco's and paddy says the cheeky barstards are putting zebra meat in burger ingredients now . Murphy says thats the bar code you twit.
punjabiplaya Posted March 24, 2013 Author Posted March 24, 2013 Pulled a gypsy bird last night , she asked me did I want to go back to hers for a good time, she wasn't fecking kidding. I went on the dodgems, waltzers, ghost train and came home with a fecking goldfish
punjabiplaya Posted March 24, 2013 Author Posted March 24, 2013 A Chinese girl approached me in an alley. She said, "Sucky sucky f**ky f**ky five pounds." I said, "You're way too young." She said, "How you know my name?"
punjabiplaya Posted March 24, 2013 Author Posted March 24, 2013 Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman. She asked me if I like breasts or legs. I told her what I really liked, was a nice shaved snatch. Apparently I'm not welcome in KFC anymore.
punjabiplaya Posted March 24, 2013 Author Posted March 24, 2013 What bounces and makes hundreds of black kids cry?.... The cheque I just sent to comic relief!!
punjabiplaya Posted March 24, 2013 Author Posted March 24, 2013 This is why there are no male agony aunts. Dear Bill, I am a 42 yr old mother. I left for work but after a mile or so, my car broke down. I had to walk home again, & on arriving home I found my 16 year old babysitter handcuffed to the bed in her school uniform, sucking my husbands c*ck. I am devastated. Can you help ? Dear Susie, A common cause for this, is dirt in your carburettor. Don't let your fuel drop too low in the tank. Hope this helps. Bill
Recommended Posts