chainsmoker1985 Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 Hey check out that 'Should Balochistan be a free state' thread Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hari504504 Posted February 1, 2012 Author Share Posted February 1, 2012 My brother is Mam Utd fan :--D :haha: that is the joke. most of their fans are from outside Manchester.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daryl1985 Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 Meaning please Number of times Spurs have won the league compared to the number of times Arsenal have won the league. :--D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hari504504 Posted February 2, 2012 Author Share Posted February 2, 2012 Tevez to create fictional club willing to pay him £200,000 a week Dreamweaver Carlos Tevez is to create a club made out of candy and willing to pay his £200,000 a week wage demands after it emerged that no real club were total idiots. Tevez and his imaginary friend Kia Joorabchian are to design a team logo and shoot Tevez kissing the badge on his official website tevezisatotaltool.com. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hari504504 Posted February 2, 2012 Author Share Posted February 2, 2012 Yep, just QPR left. Have some of that!’ Man City tells Tevez Manchester City executives were last night calling Carlos Tevez to say ‘hahahahahahahaha’ as negotiations came to a close with AC Milan. The want away striker was told in no uncertain terms that he now had a choice between trying something else for a profession or, worst case scenario playing for QPR. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hari504504 Posted February 2, 2012 Author Share Posted February 2, 2012 A van driver used to amuse himself by running over every Manchester United fan he would see strutting down the side of the road, dressed in their ubiquitous red colours. He would swerve to hit them and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road. One day, as the driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the van over. He asked the Priest, "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to say mass at St. Joseph's church, about two miles down the road," replied the priest. "No problem Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in!" The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the van continued down the road. Suddenly the driver saw a Manchester United fan walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. But, just in time, he remembered the bloody priest, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the man. However even though he was certain he missed the glory-hunting shite, he still heard a loud "THUD." Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything he turned to the priest and said "I'm sorry Father, I almost hit that Manchester United fan," "That's okay," replied the priest. "I got the f***er with the door!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hari504504 Posted February 2, 2012 Author Share Posted February 2, 2012 Q: What do Manchester fans use as birth control? A: Their personalities. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hari504504 Posted February 2, 2012 Author Share Posted February 2, 2012 A Man Utd fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Man Utd shirt. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter in a Arsenal scarf. "Hello mate," says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Man Utd fans in heaven." "What?" Exclaims the man, astonished. "You heard, no Man Utd fans." "But, but, but, I've been a good man," replies the Man Utd supporter. "Oh really," says St. Peter. "What have you done, then?" "Well," said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa." "Oh," says St. Peter. "Anything else?" "Well, two weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless." "Hmmm. Anything else?" "Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans." "Okay," said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor." Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your thirty quid back, now screw off." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hari504504 Posted February 2, 2012 Author Share Posted February 2, 2012 Top tip for Manchester United fans: don't waste money on expensive new kits every season. Simply strap a large inflatable penis to your forehead, and everyone will immediately know which team you support. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hari504504 Posted February 2, 2012 Author Share Posted February 2, 2012 Kenny Dalglish: "Our new Winger cost five million. I call him our wonder player" Sir Alex Ferguson: "Why's that?" Kenny Dalglish: " Every time he plays I wonder why I bothered to buy him!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hari504504 Posted February 2, 2012 Author Share Posted February 2, 2012 A young mother was pushing her baby along the street in Manchester when suddenly a huge rottweiler dog lunged towards the pram, gnashing its teeth. The young woman thought for a moment that the dog would kill them when suddenly a man rushed over, wrestled with the rottweiler and broke it's neck with his bare hands. Another man rushed to the scene and said, "I am a reporter and I saw everything that happened. Wait until I put the headline in my paper. It will read 'Manchester United fan saves baby from savage rottweiler!" "No you can't write that!" replied the man. "But why not?" said the reporter. "Because I am not a Manchester United fan, that's why!" replied the man. "Oh, okay then," said the reporter, "I will write Manchester City supporter saves mother and baby from savage rottweiler!" "You can't write that either," said the man. "Why not?" asked the reporter. "Because I am a Liverpool fan!" replied the man. "Oh I see," said the reporter, Next day's local headlines - "Scouse ******* kills family pet!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hari504504 Posted February 2, 2012 Author Share Posted February 2, 2012 At a recent Liverpool-Everton derby, Kenny Dalglish goes into the Liverpool changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum. "What’s up?” he asks. “Well, we’re having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it’s important but it’s only Everton and we can’t be bothered, we always beat them”. Kenny looks at them and says, “Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub.” So Kenny goes out to play for the Reds by himself and the rest of the Liverpool team go off for a few beers. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the television on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads “Liverpool 1 - Everton 0 (Dalglish 10 minutes).” He is beating Everton all by himself! Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers “It must be full time now, let’s see how he got on.” They put the teletext on. “Result from Anfield: Liverpool 1 (Dalglish 10 minutes) - Everton 1 (Cahill 89 minutes).” They can’t believe it; he has single-handedly gotten a draw!! They rush back to Anfield to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them. He says, “I’ve let you down, I’ve let you down.” “Don’t be daft, you got a draw, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end!” the players say. To which Kenny replies: “No, No, I have, I’ve let you down… I got sent off after 12 minutes” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hari504504 Posted February 2, 2012 Author Share Posted February 2, 2012 St. Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when 40 Liverpool fans showed up. Never having seen anyone from Liverpool at heaven's door, St. Peter said he would have to check with God. After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the 10 most virtuous from the group. A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said, "They're gone." "What? All of the Liverpool fans are gone?" asked God. "No" replied Saint Peter "The Pearly Gates is gone!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hari504504 Posted February 2, 2012 Author Share Posted February 2, 2012 A man arrives at the gates of heaven, where St. Peter greets him and says: "Before I can let you enter I must ask you what you have done in your life that was particularly good." The man racks his brains for a few minutes and then admits to St Peter that he hasn't done anything particularly good in his life. "Well," says St Peter, "have you done anything particularly brave in your life?" "Yes, I have," replies the man proudly. St Peter asks the man to give an account of his bravery. So the man explains, "I was refereeing this important match between Liverpool and Manchester United at Anfield. The score was 0-0 and there was only one more minute of play to go in the second half when I awarded a penalty against Liverpool at the Kop end." "Yes," responded St Peter, "I agree that was a real act of bravery. Can you perhaps tell me when this took place?" "Certainly," the man replied, "about three minutes ago." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hari504504 Posted February 2, 2012 Author Share Posted February 2, 2012 Arsene Wenger has insisted that he won’t be leaving Arsenal for many thousands of eternities yet, after claiming to be misquoted in a French newspaper when questioned on his future. The Emirates boss reportedly said he’d consider his position at the end of the year but the Frenchman insists that not even an alien attack or a zombie apocalypse would stop him blaming a referee in front of a camera. Wenger said ‘I said I’ll review my position at the end of the year. I do this every year and I nearly always conclude that I am doing awesome. I see no reason to change this should I be A) a zombie or B) dead. I certainly intend to outlast reality television, and that’s got what, a good 300 million years left? Besides, there’s some really promising talent in the under 4’s that could bring us a trophy.’ On managing the club past his death Wenger added ‘I wouldn’t call it haunting, if anything I’d call it taking less stock from the canteen. Pat Rice is always exceptionally pale so compared to him I doubt you’ll even notice the difference. My interviews may become even more transparent, but that’s a risk I’ll have to take. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hari504504 Posted February 2, 2012 Author Share Posted February 2, 2012 Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger has admitted to a press conference full of journalists that he was ready to relieve himself in his underpants after Shrewsbury took an early lead in their Carling Cup tie at the Emirates stadium last night. Speaking candidly to reporters he said ‘I turned to Pat Rice and signalled that I was about to **** all over the touchline. I then caught a glimpse of the chairman and thought to myself ‘booollllocks.’ League two side Shrewsbury dominated the early play and were making Arsenal’s second string defence look like an ample substitute for the hapless first team squads’ but Wenger claimed the Gunners were always in control. ‘Admittedly my bowels were suggesting otherwise and the sweat dripping from my forehead was not a good sign but I had a back-up plan.’ ‘When we built the Emirates I put a little button in that only Pat and I know about. It’s a bit like one of those self-destruct buttons you see pinned to underground volcano lairs in James Bond movies. I was on my way to hit that which would’ve given us 5 minutes to run to the tube and escape. Fortunately we didn’t have too. I’ve left the key in ahead of the Bolton game though… Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hari504504 Posted February 2, 2012 Author Share Posted February 2, 2012 Chelsea have completed an unsuccessful round of offering former footballer Fernando Torres to charity shops. Stamford Bridge boss Andre Villas-Boas claimed the Spanish international was even hidden under a large collection outside a shop door late at night, only for the owner of the store to smell a strong whiff of failure from his bedroom and demand the removal of the striker. The London club have continually denied claims they are looking to offload Torres but sources close to the side say Roman Abramovich is now targeting farmlands and warehouses to see if they’ll allow Torres a place in the corner somewhere. Another possible option continues to be Doncaster Rovers. A charity spokesperson claimed ‘whilst we strive to make use of all collection donations, Fernando Torres would only really get in the way. He’s proved that at Chelsea and to be honest, I’m not sure I could stand his sad puppy dog face sitting beside me begging for a start. It’s just distracting.’ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hari504504 Posted February 2, 2012 Author Share Posted February 2, 2012 Former Bolton defender Gary Cahill has admitted that it was impossible to turn down a club like Chelsea, so long as they gave him more than £80,000 a week and waved giant palm leaves in his face. The England international finally completed a move to Stamford Bridge yesterday after weeks of saying no to Chelsea, thus completely going against his earlier dickey statement. Cahill told the gathering press ‘for someone as good as Gary Cahill you need to pay the big bucks. You’ll notice I’m talking in the third person, because even I don’t have the right to address myself in first person context. As you’ll see from where I left Bolton I’m the real deal. Please don’t call me arrogant when I say this, but I am a special one.’ He added ‘there were a number of big clubs it would’ve been impossible to say no to had they offered to put £80,000 into my bank account each week. To be perfectly honest I wouldn’t have said no to Patrick Thistle if they’d done the same. And I’d be mumbling out the same spiel about what a great club they were too. I’m pretty easy like that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hari504504 Posted February 2, 2012 Author Share Posted February 2, 2012 The concept of swapping Fernando Torres with Tottenham ace Luka Modric is probably the most hilarious thing of 2012 so far according to Spurs boss Harry Redknapp. The White Hart Lane chief claimed that making such a trade-off would make him the laughing stock of the Premier League and added that he’d be more inclined to trade some magic beans for Roman Pavlyuchenko. He told the press ‘at least with magic beans you have the chance of a beanstalk. The whole situation is bizarre. I can imagine somebody coming up to me just as I’ve sat myself down on my favourite chair to watch my big new 3D television and asking if I’d be willing to swap it for a VHS player. Like Torres, I’m sure the VHS player was once very useful, but can they not see I’ve got 3D television over here now?’ He added ‘essentially it’d be like a robbery, and the robber would leave his VHS player either out of sympathy, or because he couldn’t carry any more stuff. And I’d be there wondering what the heck it actually does and what happened to my TV? In fact tell Chelsea I’ll take the magic beans. At least that way I can climb up the stalk and get Peter Crouch back.’ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hari504504 Posted February 2, 2012 Author Share Posted February 2, 2012 England has two years to enjoy life without Jose Mourinho saying something knobish all the time before the Portuguese manager makes a return to Premier League football. The current Real Madrid boss continued to be disrespectful of his ‘projects’ this week when he announced to the world that once he’s done the whole ‘Messiah’ thing with Real, he’ll probably just stroll back into London, turn Tottenham into wine and do his same old s*** of winning some titles and stuff. Speaking to anybody who’ll listen Mourinho said ‘when I look in the mirror every morning I say to myself ‘Jose, you are a good looking guy. In fact, just undo the top button a little bit more, yeah that’s it. Right there. Now give those hairs a bit of a stroke. Man, you’re hot, and so sensual. Maybe I should get some baby oil?’ Bookies have yet to lay down a favourite in regards to Mourinho’s location but an anonymous tipster said ‘does he actually need a club to run, or is he just coming back to take a swipe at referee’s again? My guess is he’s waiting for Sir Alex Ferguson to go into a home so that he can parade round Manchester wearing a cape. Either that or he’s after the Blackburn job…’ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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