Article on parent orphans

[fineleg]

Indian parents hit by empty-nest syndrome Whenever Kusum Pattil feels a pang of longing for her two sons, both working in the United States, she goes to the kitchen, cooks up some of their favorite south Indian food and puts it in front of her computer Web- camera to show them what they are missing. It is an eccentric way of confronting loneliness, but it works for her, and it is a tip she likes to pass on to friends at the local support group for elderly parents left behind by children who have emigrated to pursue careers in the West. "I felt very sad when the younger one decided to move. We are only two left here now," Pattil said, nodding at her husband, a retired engineer. "Cooking food for my sons cheers me up, even if they're not here to eat it." In the 1990s, hundreds of thousands of young, highly educated Indians left their homes to find work in the United States, many of them ending up as software engineers and computer technicians, helping fuel the global revolution in information technology. Large numbers received U.S. green cards, and what started as a temporary job became the shift of a lifetime. In Pune, a peaceful, green metropolis in southern India, there are thousands of retired couples experiencing the peculiar sensation of being parent-orphans, abandoned by their offspring who left India in search of better lives abroad. Traditionally, Indian parents have grown old in the home of their eldest son, surrounded by family members. Across India, an aging generation is for the first time facing this period alone, adjusting to a more isolated way of spending their retirement. To combat the years of solitude stretching ahead, some of them have formed solidarity units - Non-Resident Indian Parents' Organizations - which meet for weekly dinners, monthly cultural activities, lectures on insurance and will-making, and the occasional weekend excursion. The mission is to replace, in part, the support structure that would have been provided by the extended family network. As members age and grow more vulnerable, the groups offer critical support for people who are hospitalized or need urgent help at home. There are home-cooked foods for the sick and company for the lonely; advice on travel, visas and how to write an e-mail; dance classes, cards and singing lessons. "Many of us felt there was a void in our lives. We needed a fraternity which would provide emotional comfort and care," Nandkumar Swadi, 65, treasurer of the Pune parents' organization, said as he waited to welcome guests for the club's annual gala dinner. He joined when both sons were in the United States - one studying for a doctorate in computer science at Princeton University, the other working as a mechanical-design engineer. The organization's 950 members, aged from 60 to 95, are divided into small groups, with the younger charged with taking care of the older. "That way," Swadi said, "there are always people able to rush and look after the needy, get them admitted to hospital, sit with them and take care of them until their children arrive." Designed to lift the morale of members, the dinner's highlight event was a rousing speech from Kiran Karnik, the head of India's information technology, or IT, industry trade body. Karnik congratulated the audience - mostly parents of computer engineers and software experts - for the achievements of their progeny, who had done so much to improve global attitudes toward Indians. A decade ago, he observed, Indians were often treated rudely and dismissively when they traveled abroad. Now, they were greeted with respect and admiration almost everywhere. "There has been a sea-change in attitudes to Indians globally, brought about by the talent of our IT professionals," he said. "I want to thank you for what you have done for India through your sons and daughters in the IT industry all over the world." There was enthusiastic applause and for a while a sense of collective pride swept through the audience. But over dinner later, some parents confessed to feeling conflicted in their feelings about the departure of their offspring. "In illness we remember our children," said Padmakar Purandare, 68, a retired engineer, whose son is a software engineer in Dallas. "We expected that they would look after us in our old age, but it is not possible. My son is a green-card holder now." His own mother had lived with him until she died at the age of 84. "We gave her every assistance, medical help, emotional support, she saw her grandchildren growing up," he said. "Things are different now. My son feels that he should do more for me, but I don't. I'm happy he is there. The standard of living is much better." The difficulties faced by families split up by career moves to the West are confined to a small strata of educated, middle-class Indians. But the phenomenon of the isolated elderly parent is becoming common across all levels of modern Indian society, as extended family structures are eroded by job mobility and the rush from the countryside to the city. "India is becoming a tougher place to be old in, even for couples whose families remain in India," said Mathew Cherian, chief executive of HelpAge, an advocacy group for the elderly. "With increased labor mobility, even if they live in India, the children often live far away in another city." He added: "Since the liberalization of India's economy in the 1990s, people's priorities have changed. When you want more money, parents become secondary to the main pursuit of making more money." There has been a parallel decline in respect for the elderly, said Gitanjali Prasad, author of the social history, "The Great Indian Family." "The older generation used to have tyrannical power. Everything went according to their diktat. They could say 'Change your job,' 'Get the surgery done,'" she observed. "Now it's not that they feel unloved. They just feel they are becoming irrelevant, and they find that extremely painful." The parents of India's diaspora of software engineers do not see themselves as victims, nor do they blame their children for wanting to leave. Many have been invited to join their sons and daughters, but express frank distaste for the United States. "I'd never go. It's like a five-star jail," Subhash Kelkar said of his son's home in Texas. "There's no public transport, you can't do anything without your children to help you and they're at work all week. For the parents it's terrible. That's when you really feel lonely." Regret is tempered by satisfaction in the knowledge that their children are doing well. But for many the regret hangs with them, a heavy presence. Pattil said she was comforted by the knowledge that the tide of emigration is turning, with many of the �migr�s beginning to return, attracted by the new opportunities promised by a flourishing economy back home. "I've kept his bedroom ready for him, just as it was," she said. "His model car collection is still on the piano, waiting for him when he comes home."

[CC1981]

This is one aspect where Indian society can learn from the west- the phenomenon of children moving out and moving to different cities has been prevalent here for atleast 3 generations and the old couples tend to have hobbies and get involved with the local community. India needs some of that badly :people with hobbies and people who are involved in the community that isnt just poltics.

[fineleg]

CC, There is always a transition phase, a shift. The people going through the transition or shift - that generation, which may be the current generation of parents - will find it very difficult. All these shifts take a long time to happen.

[Desi Cartman]

this is one issue that makes me feel guilty every time my parents are sick back home... Today I was visiting my doc and I saw an old lady hand over $50 to her daughter to pay at the counter .. the cashier didnt have the change so the daughter got $35 out of her pocket and paid for her mom and returned her $50 note she went back and sat next to her mum and looked restless for next 45 seconds and then all of sudden she goes "Mom dont forget you owe me $35" .. that lady wasnt just old but really old .. she couldnt even walk on her own and needed assistance to even get up. (im not saying all indian kids look after their parents though !) I know that the daughter wass taking care of her mum but something made me feel so bad that its been on my mind ever since ...

[fineleg]

When you live in countries far away, this can be an even more difficult thing.

[IndianRenegade]

"Mom dont forget you owe me $35" ..

May be it was a joke.... if not WTF?!

[Lurker]

This is one aspect where Indian society can learn from the west- the phenomenon of children moving out and moving to different cities has been prevalent here for atleast 3 generations and the old couples tend to have hobbies and get involved with the local community. India needs some of that badly :people with hobbies and people who are involved in the community that isnt just poltics.

That is hardly something that India needs to learn from the West. For one India hardly needs to learn anything about Social Structure from the West where family system has simply failed. Secondly it is "easy" for the Western elderly to spend time in hobbies etc when their burder, economic and medical, are taken care of by the Government in form of Social Security/Medicare etc. The reality is India is very different. I dont agree with this notion of elderly couples developing hobbies. If anything every human being, elderly or young, should have hobbies and if someone doesnt have a hobby by the time he is 55-60 what are the odds that he is going to develop a new one?? Yes if someone has a hobby post retirement he may get a chance to get back to it. Giving back to community is a concept that I greatly agree with though. Specially true for elderly educated people who can contribute directly in terms of literacy etc. xxx

[fineleg]

That is hardly something that India needs to learn from the West. if someone doesnt have a hobby by the time he is 55-60 what are the odds that he is going to develop a new one?? Yes if someone has a hobby post retirement he may get a chance to get back to it. xxx

True, a lot of Indian parents havent indulged much in developing hobbies, and developing all of a sudden may be difficult for some. If you watch cricket, then thats a good hobby :D

[CC1981]

this is one issue that makes me feel guilty every time my parents are sick back home... Today I was visiting my doc and I saw an old lady hand over $50 to her daughter to pay at the counter .. the cashier didnt have the change so the daughter got $35 out of her pocket and paid for her mom and returned her $50 note she went back and sat next to her mum and looked restless for next 45 seconds and then all of sudden she goes "Mom dont forget you owe me $35" .. that lady wasnt just old but really old .. she couldnt even walk on her own and needed assistance to even get up. (im not saying all indian kids look after their parents though !) I know that the daughter wass taking care of her mum but something made me feel so bad that its been on my mind ever since ...

Its a cultural difference: in India, *$$hole kids usually tend to just not give a damn and forget their parents - here, people tend to keep track of money fairly well. And i think the reason isnt that complicated either: most of the west has a new history and a far more immigration-driven civilization. Its not surprising that in a civilization as this, money factors in much of our interactions and perhaps materialism in general. Nor is it necessarily a bad thing or worse thing, IMO.