adi B Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football, is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Anfield. Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Man Utd with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool . The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football. 'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.' 'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.' The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry.' 'Sorry?!?! Sorry?!?!' says his mum, 'It's your fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place !!!!!' :hysterical::hysterical: bloody scousers
adi B Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 Just been watching Olympic Ladies Beach Volleyball . . There's already been a wrist injury . . but i should be OK by tommorow... ! :hysterical: :cantstop:
punjabiplaya Posted August 14, 2012 Author Posted August 14, 2012 :hysterical::hysterical: bloody scousers lol you can see im not biased..i have been a liverpool fan for nigh on 30 years!!! jokes a joke... :two_thumbs_up:
Crookbond Posted August 16, 2012 Posted August 16, 2012 Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met. Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind." "Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin. "Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind." The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress. The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour. Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences. Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!" The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner. He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?" The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that fecking fence wasn't electrified." :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical: :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha:
jimmy321321 Posted August 17, 2012 Posted August 17, 2012 I was walking through Liverpool today when I was stopped by a young kid outside the newsagents. "Can you buy me some cigarettes please?" he asked. "Sorry mate, no," I replied. "Come on," he said, "They're not for me, they're for my dad." "Well, why can't the lazy **** get them himself?" I asked. "He's not 18 until February," came the reply.
1983-2011 Posted August 17, 2012 Posted August 17, 2012 So... Blacks are the best runners.. Whites are the best swimmers.. And the polar icecaps are melting.... Evolution at work.
1983-2011 Posted August 17, 2012 Posted August 17, 2012 A horse walks into a bar. The barman says, "Why the long face?" The horse replies, "I came first in the Olympics and they gave the medal to the **** on my back."
1983-2011 Posted August 17, 2012 Posted August 17, 2012 Liam Gallagher, Russell Brand, George Michael, Kate Moss, Naomi Campbell... Christ, it's a good job they don't do drug tests for the closing ceremony.
1983-2011 Posted August 17, 2012 Posted August 17, 2012 When Scousers want to get their kids a trampoline, which website do they look at first? Google Maps.
1983-2011 Posted August 17, 2012 Posted August 17, 2012 Little Johnny walks into his parents bedroom to find his Dad giving his Mum one. His Dad smirks and throws a pillow at the door saying, "Get outta here, you little ****!" A couple of hours later Dad hears a whole lot of commotion coming from little Johnny's bedroom. He goes up to find little Johnny giving his Grandma a right royal seeing to. Little Johnny smiles, "It's not so ****ing funny when it's YOUR mum, is it?"
1983-2011 Posted August 17, 2012 Posted August 17, 2012 Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said Little Johnny. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk." Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
jimmy321321 Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 I was driving my lorry back to the UK from France when I was stopped by a customs officer. "Are you carrying anything on board that you shouldn't be?" he asked. "No," I replied. "Right," he said, "So you don't have any cigarettes?" "No," I replied again, as he opened the shutter. "What about these?" he said, smiling at me. "I'm not sure," I replied, staring at the 120 illegal immigrants in the back, "Do any of you have cigarettes?"
jimmy321321 Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 Sex with my wife has depreciated like Coca Cola. "Cocaine", "Caffeine", "Light" and now "Zero".
jimmy321321 Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 I asked my girlfriend for a blow job last night. She said, "And what am I getting out of it?" "A mouthful of cum probably," I replied.
1983-2011 Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 Just saw someone on the news holding a sign " free pussy riot" I'm in, where's everyone meeting?
Crookbond Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 Little Johnny walks into his parents bedroom to find his Dad giving his Mum one. His Dad smirks and throws a pillow at the door saying, "Get outta here, you little ****!" A couple of hours later Dad hears a whole lot of commotion coming from little Johnny's bedroom. He goes up to find little Johnny giving his Grandma a right royal seeing to. Little Johnny smiles, "It's not so ****ing funny when it's YOUR mum, is it?" :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical:
Sid Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said Little Johnny. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk." Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?" :cantstop:
jimmy321321 Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There's no need to remind him every six months about it.
punjabiplaya Posted August 18, 2012 Author Posted August 18, 2012 I was kissing a bird on my sofa last night. As she reached down and unzipped my jeans I said, "I'd stand back for this if I was you." "Ooh, I'm in for a night of pleasure," she smiled. "Big, is it?" "No," I replied. "I'm about to cum." :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical:
jimmy321321 Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 "Thanks boss!" I said after he called me in for a talk. "I know I'm a bit thick and I've ****ed up a few times since I've been here, but this award means the world to me!" "You don't know what a P45 is, do you?" he asked.
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