punjabiplaya Posted December 11, 2012 Author Posted December 11, 2012 The wife came back from buying her costume for a fancy dress party earlier. "Stay there baby" she said to me, "while I nip upstairs and put it on to show you." She came back down, opened the living room door and stood before me. "Wow honey, that's a winning costume you've got there." I told her. "That's the most convincing killer whale outfit I've ever seen." "I'm a nun, you bast*rd."
punjabiplaya Posted December 11, 2012 Author Posted December 11, 2012 It's been confirmed that the coin that struck Rio Ferdinand was actually a Euro, as Man City fans no longer have any need for them
punjabiplaya Posted December 12, 2012 Author Posted December 12, 2012 Paddy & Murphy were swimming at the beach, when they saw a pregnant woman drowning. They quickly pulled her to safety. Paddy starts to do CPR, when he noticed Murphy take the woman's underwear off & put his mouth on her vagina. Paddy shouts ; "What the friggin hell are you doing ?" Murphy replies ; "You save the mother & I'll save the baby
gaurav92 Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 A boss has to interview 4 girls for a secretary position. He asked the same question to each one of them. Boss: "A woman normally has lips in 2 different places. What's the difference between the two ? First Girl: "one is hairy, the other isn't ". Boss: "OK.. good!" Second Girl: "one can talk but the other can't ". Boss: "that's better!" Third Girl: "one is vertical & the other is horizontal ". Boss: "Hmm.. clever!" Last Girl: "one is for me & the other is for my Boss ". Boss: "you are hired !! :hysterical: :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical:
gaurav92 Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 Santa say's to his Elf "I'am getting sick of this. It's the same old sh*t every year. Running about like a c**t in this stupid' date=' red costume and at the end of it all I always end up with nothing." The elf say's "Now you know how Steven Gerrard feels..."[/quote'] :giggle:
punjabiplaya Posted December 14, 2012 Author Posted December 14, 2012 Paddy goes to a florist & says "I'd like to buy some flowers for my girlfriend."The florist says "Certainly, what is it you're after?"Paddy says "A good sh*g!!!"
punjabiplaya Posted December 14, 2012 Author Posted December 14, 2012 I went to see a Japanese reggae tribute act last night... Bob Marley and the Whalers
punjabiplaya Posted December 14, 2012 Author Posted December 14, 2012 What do you call a paedophile working for the council at Christmas? Gary Gritter.
punjabiplaya Posted December 14, 2012 Author Posted December 14, 2012 I was being chatted up by a right ugly bird in the pub last night. She said to me, "Have you got a nickname?"l said, "Yes, my mates call me 'the sledge.'"She giggled and said, 'Is that because you're a smooth ride?"l said, "No, it's because l always get pulled by dogs!!"
punjabiplaya Posted December 14, 2012 Author Posted December 14, 2012 My wife has been moaning for 2 days about me not fixing the broken step that leads to the basement. I should probably go down there and check on her, she sounds like she's in a lot of pain.
SLICKR392 Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 The wife came back from buying her costume for a fancy dress party earlier. "Stay there baby" she said to me' date=' "while I nip upstairs and put it on to show you." She came back down, opened the living room door and stood before me. "Wow honey, that's a winning costume you've got there." I told her. "That's the most convincing killer whale outfit I've ever seen." "I'm a nun, you bast*rd."[/quote'] :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical:
punjabiplaya Posted December 16, 2012 Author Posted December 16, 2012 My girlfriend was rushed into hospital this morning. As her trolley crashed through the ED doors, a doctor said: "BP is 127." "This isn't the time to be discussing petrol prices." I shouted. :haha:
Sid Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 A boss has to interview 4 girls for a secretary position. He asked the same question to each one of them. Boss: "A woman normally has lips in 2 different places. What's the difference between the two ? First Girl: "one is hairy, the other isn't ". Boss: "OK.. good!" Second Girl: "one can talk but the other can't ". Boss: "that's better!" Third Girl: "one is vertical & the other is horizontal ". Boss: "Hmm.. clever!" Last Girl: "one is for me & the other is for my Boss ". Boss: "you are hired !! :hysterical: :cantstop:
punjabiplaya Posted December 18, 2012 Author Posted December 18, 2012 Does Santa really live in the north pole? Lets look at the evidence. 1. Wears red and white 2. Good at breaking into houses 3. Has loads of electrical goods that nobody can trace 4. Drives an unlicensed vehicle 5. Only does one days work a year Lapland my ar*e! Hes a fecking SCOUSER!
punjabiplaya Posted December 18, 2012 Author Posted December 18, 2012 Me and the wife were having Christmas drinks with friends when one asked, "what's everyone's new years resolution?" I said, "Mine's going to be, to have more sex." "Oh great!" my wife sighed. "Don't worry, love" I assured her, "it's not going to affect you."
punjabiplaya Posted December 22, 2012 Author Posted December 22, 2012 XMAS DRINKING WARNING JUST RELEASED: Vodka and ice will ruin your kidneys. Rum and ice will ruin your liver. Whiskey and ice will ruin your heart. Gin and ice will ruin your brain. Pepsi and ice will ruin your teeth... There u have it! ICE is feckin lethal. Warn all your friends: Lay off the ice, just drink it straight!! Forward this immediately. You could save a life!!! And don't forget wot it did to the feckin Titanic!!!
punjabiplaya Posted December 22, 2012 Author Posted December 22, 2012 I accidentally dialed 999 from my mobile phone last night. So I set my house on fire so I wouldn't look stupid.
suraj Posted December 22, 2012 Posted December 22, 2012 XMAS DRINKING WARNING JUST RELEASED: Vodka and ice will ruin your kidneys. Rum and ice will ruin your liver. Whiskey and ice will ruin your heart. Gin and ice will ruin your brain. Pepsi and ice will ruin your teeth... There u have it! ICE is feckin lethal. Warn all your friends: Lay off the ice' date=' just drink it straight!! Forward this immediately. You could save a life!!! And don't forget wot it did to the feckin Titanic!!![/quote'] :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical:
Sid Posted December 22, 2012 Posted December 22, 2012 XMAS DRINKING WARNING JUST RELEASED: Vodka and ice will ruin your kidneys. Rum and ice will ruin your liver. Whiskey and ice will ruin your heart. Gin and ice will ruin your brain. Pepsi and ice will ruin your teeth... There u have it! ICE is feckin lethal. Warn all your friends: Lay off the ice' date=' just drink it straight!! Forward this immediately. You could save a life!!! And don't forget wot it did to the feckin Titanic!!![/quote'] :haha:
punjabiplaya Posted December 25, 2012 Author Posted December 25, 2012 For those of you wondering what it's like to be married... I just found out this morning I'm on day 3 of an argument I didn't know I was having.
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