mansu Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 Signals Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time." The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis.....fifty times"
Sachinism Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 July 4th - independence Day, a day where Americans celebrate Will Smith defeating an advancing alien horde!
mansu Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 Honeymoon A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the doctor. He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin in every way." The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage and wired it all together. It was an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he ever saw them. She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts." He pulls down his pants, whips it out and says, "Look at this, it's still in the crate!"
punjabiplaya Posted July 5, 2010 Author Posted July 5, 2010 A telephone helpline has been set up to help fans come to terms with England losing to Germany, the number is: 0800 4-1 4-1 4-1
punjabiplaya Posted July 5, 2010 Author Posted July 5, 2010 A chemist walks in2 his shop 2 find a man leaning against the wall. "What's wrong with him?" he asks. His assistant replies "He came in 4 cough syrup but I couldn't find any so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives." "U idiot" the chemist says "U can't treat a cough with laxatives" "Of course u can" the assistant replies "Look at him now. He's 2 afraid 2 fecking cough!' :haha:
punjabiplaya Posted July 5, 2010 Author Posted July 5, 2010 My Missus just informed me that she's leaving me cos she reckons I'm a compulsive liar.Tell u what....she'll miss my huge c*ck!
punjabiplaya Posted July 7, 2010 Author Posted July 7, 2010 sorry if the leapfrogging joke offended anyone i apologise i wasnt going to post it...sorry again
punjabiplaya Posted July 9, 2010 Author Posted July 9, 2010 I walked past a black guy begging in the street. "Any change mate?" he said, "Nope. You're still a n*gger." Northumbria police have put asu £10,000 price tag on raoul moats head if he doesn't get caught by next Tuesday it goes up to20,000 they r making it a raoul over
punjabiplaya Posted July 9, 2010 Author Posted July 9, 2010 Dear Mr Moat. It has come to my notice that John Terry has been shagging your missus while you were in prison. Yours sincerely Wayne Bridge
Dark Warrior Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 I was talking to a mate down the pub and he told me about something called Fung Shui. Apparently, putting furniture in the right place can help improve your life. So when i got home i pushed it all up against the door, and now that ***** cant get in, lifes a treat.
Jadoo Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 I was talking to a mate down the pub and he told me about something called Fung Shui. Apparently' date=' putting furniture in the right place can help improve your life. So when i got home i pushed it all up against the door, and now that ***** cant get in, lifes a treat.[/quote'] :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical:
punjabiplaya Posted July 14, 2010 Author Posted July 14, 2010 I tried to give Raoul Moat a lesson on gun safety, but it went in one ear, out the other bought my son the new ginger action man toy the other day. got it home, when my son started pressing buttons the bloody thing ran away and we couldn't find it for a week. when we eventually came across it the fecker blew its own head off...last time i buy anything Raoul Moat controlled
punjabiplaya Posted July 14, 2010 Author Posted July 14, 2010 Paddy rings the rape helpline and says Ive got the ***** pinned down !! What do i do now ?
punjabiplaya Posted July 14, 2010 Author Posted July 14, 2010 Details of Ghanas World Cup open top bus homecoming parade have been released.... It will leave Peckham bus garage at 1pm, then down the Old Kent Road finishing on Deptford High Street.
punjabiplaya Posted July 15, 2010 Author Posted July 15, 2010 I had a terrible childhood They used 2 cover me in chocolate and put a cherry on my head....... Life was hard in the gateaux!
punjabiplaya Posted July 15, 2010 Author Posted July 15, 2010 WOMEN eh!. . . . Boob-jobs, nose-jobs, teeth bleaching, tummy tucks, liposuction, colonic irrigation, Botox, pierced ears, pierced nipples, pierced bellies, pierced clits, eyebrows plucked, bikini wax, armpits shaved, legs waxed, lengthy diets, strenuous exercise, child birth . . . . . . . . and THEN, they won't take it up the ass 'cos: ''IT HURTS!'
punjabiplaya Posted July 18, 2010 Author Posted July 18, 2010 A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" (You'll love this) God replied: "I didn't feckin recognize you
punjabiplaya Posted July 19, 2010 Author Posted July 19, 2010 This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, ‘You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?’ ‘What dear,’ she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. ‘I think you're fecking bad luck.....’
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