gaurav92 Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" (You'll love this) God replied: "I didn't feckin recognize you :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical:
Jadoo Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, ‘You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?’ ‘What dear,’ she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. ‘I think you're fecking bad luck.....’ :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical:
punjabiplaya Posted July 20, 2010 Author Posted July 20, 2010 A Man is sat on a Bus when a Gorgeous Woman Next to him starts Breastfeeding Her Baby. The Baby won't take it so She says .....''Come on, Eat it all up or I'll give it to this Nice Man''.10 Minutes later the Baby still won't Breastfeed so She says again..... ''Come on Darling, Eat it all up or I'll give it to this Nice Man!'' To Which the Man Replies...''Listen Love, could you make Your Fecking Mind up, I should have got off 4 Stops Ago''. :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical:
punjabiplaya Posted July 20, 2010 Author Posted July 20, 2010 A tall muscular man walks into a bar & a lady recognises him as a famous rugby player. They start 2 talk & eventually go back 2 her place. They start 2 kiss & he takes off his shirt. He's got REEBOK tattooed on his arm. What's that 4? she asks. That's so when I'm on TV people can c it & Reebok pay me. He takes off his trousers & he's got NIKE tattooed on his leg. What's that? She asks. Same as the Reebok, I get paid when it's seen on TV. He drops his pants & he's got AIDS tattooed on his penis. She screams Don't tell me you've got AIDS? No calm down he says. it will say ADIDAS in a minute.
punjabiplaya Posted July 23, 2010 Author Posted July 23, 2010 Little Paki girl goes to her mum and says "Mummy I don't want to be a lesbian when I grow up." Mum says "What makes you think you'll be a lesbian Minjeeta?"
punjabiplaya Posted July 23, 2010 Author Posted July 23, 2010 Man rolls over in bed & grins at wife - she says Not tonight darling I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and want 2 stay clean. Man rolls over feeling rejected. After 5 minutes he rolls back over and asks 'Do u have a dentist appointment tomorrow? :hysterical:
punjabiplaya Posted July 23, 2010 Author Posted July 23, 2010 Paki goes into the library and asks 'Have you got that new book about small cocks?'She says 'I don't think its in yet''Yes that's the one' he replies
punjabiplaya Posted July 26, 2010 Author Posted July 26, 2010 Nike are making trainers for lesbians. Theyre calling them 'Nikes for Dykes' You get 50% more tongue and you can get them off with one finger.
punjabiplaya Posted July 26, 2010 Author Posted July 26, 2010 got a leaflet through the door today, it said, "If you are an alcoholic, call this number" So I rang the number and it was the fecking Off licence!
Sachinism Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 An insect falls into a mug of beer Englishman: Throws his mug away and walks out American : Takes the insect out and drinks the beer Chinese : Eats the insect and throws the beer away Indian : Sells the beer to the American, the insect to the Chinese and gets a fresh beer for himself Pakistani : Accuses the Indian of putting the insect in his beer, relates the issue to Kashmir, asks the Chinese for military aid and gets a loan from the American to buy another beer. The Paki then moves to England and claims benefits. ---- Gujju kid : ''Dad, can I have 5 dollars.'' My father replied,''4 dollars? What do you want 3 dollars for?'' Ive got 2 dollars, so here's one dollar now share it with you're sister.
f.b.m Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 I was recently turned down on my application for an Australian green card, on account of my criminal record. Bit fawking ironic is it not? People keep saying that Americans are stupid, but I disagree. Anyone that builds a city 10 metres below sea level, in a hurricane zone, and fills it with niggers is a ****ing genius!
punjabiplaya Posted July 30, 2010 Author Posted July 30, 2010 Bra sizes. Have you ever wondered why A B C DD E F & H are the letters used to define bra sizes? (A) Almost Boobs (B) Barely There © Cant Complain (DD) Double Damn Damn (E) Enourmous! (F) Fake (H.) Help me, I've fallen & cant get back up
Dark Warrior Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 The best things in life are free? No they're not. I just made a tramp drink his own piss for 50 pence. It was ****ing hilarious. ... Well, maybe the best things are free. I punched him in the face and took my 50 pence back.
Dark Warrior Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 I seen the most intelligent piece of graffiti ever today. I was dropping a batch in a public toilet when i seen something written in very small writing at the bottom of the door. As i leaned over to see it closer it read .... ... "You are now *****ing at a 45 degree angle"
Dark Warrior Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 I swung a baseball bat at my wife the other day, she screamed and sprinted out the house. **** yeah, home run.
Dark Warrior Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 You know, I have a theory as to why women buy so many shoes. It's because they spend so much time on their feet... walking around shops... buying shoes.
Dark Warrior Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 Now, i have never seen twilight but i have wondered many times, what is the girl's super power? And then i saw the advert for Eclipse and i knew. she is a w h o r e .
Dark Warrior Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 I had a dream last night that I had used the last piece of toilet roll. Today, after having a morning 'log out', that very same scenario occurred for real. It's reassuring to know, that in this time of misery and uncertainty, dreams do sometimes come true. ...'The Secret' sometimes can ****** you up
Sachinism Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 My 6 year old daughter came home from school today and said to me, "Daddy today we talked about boys and girls and which is better and i said girls are better because they are cleverer than boys."... So i went and got a dictionary and told her to find the word "cleverer". That shut her up, silly *****.
Sachinism Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 I love bragging about having a big **** to my mates. Although, I probably shouldn't run it in their faces
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