gaurav92 Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 Some of the funniest jokes will be posted here :icflove:
gaurav92 Posted July 6, 2011 Author Posted July 6, 2011 This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town and says, "Where's the god damn, mother ****ing Manager you **** sucking **** wipe." The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can." The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are you the chicken ****ing manager of this bastard joint?". "Yes, sir, I am," replies the manager, "and I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant". "**** off!" replies the bloke. "And where's the ****ing piano?" "Pardon?" says the manager. "****ing deaf as well are we? You little piece of sniveling ****, show us your pissing piano." "Ahhhh," replies the manager. "You've come about the pianist's job," and shows the bloke to the piano. "Can you play any blues?" "Of course I ****ing can," and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky tonk blues that the manager has ever heard. "Why, that's superb, what's it called?" "I want to **** your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my knob," replies the pianist. The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds to play the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard. "Magnificent!" cries the manager. "What's it called?" "I wanted a **** over the washing machine but my bollocks got caught in the soap drawer". The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads, the bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody. "And what's this called?" asks the manager. "As I **** you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece," replies the bloke. The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers. This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on. She's wearing an almost see through dress, her tits are almost falling out the top and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is riding up the crack of her ****. She is sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots and the butter is dripping down her chin! It's too much for the bloke and he runs off to the bogs to 'wrestle with his bald headed champ'. He's pulling away furiously when he hears the manager's voice... "Where's that bloody pianist?" He just has time to shoot his bolt and in a fluster he runs back to the piano, not having bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes. The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear: "Do you know your knob and balls are hanging out your trousers and dripping spunk on your shoes?". "Know it," the pianist replies, "I ****ing wrote it!"
gaurav92 Posted July 6, 2011 Author Posted July 6, 2011 The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage. He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on." The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers." He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!" The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!" He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!" "And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."
gaurav92 Posted July 6, 2011 Author Posted July 6, 2011 This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window... He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs. "Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor? "Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies. He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer." Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!" :cantstop:
gaurav92 Posted July 6, 2011 Author Posted July 6, 2011 Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
gaurav92 Posted July 6, 2011 Author Posted July 6, 2011 A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad. Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play." Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with." Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?" Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed." The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door. Mom : "Now what do I do?" Son : "Get your ass out of bed, you *****, and fix that kid some ****ing ice cream."
gaurav92 Posted July 6, 2011 Author Posted July 6, 2011 A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home." :hehe:
gaurav92 Posted July 6, 2011 Author Posted July 6, 2011 A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house." :haha:
gaurav92 Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techno-geek. "Hey, bud, how are ya?" "I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!" "Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!" "No way, how could that be?" "Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!" "Holy ****! You're kidding, right?" "No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her." So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! eeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!" The guy says, "****! I forgot to tell him that her ass has a razor sharp machine to pound the waste paper inserted in it !"
gaurav92 Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler. The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied, "No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."
Shane Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 sree_india should be kicked in the balls for encouraging this nonsense.
Sachinism Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Gaurav please close this thread to save yourself further embarrassment. Those are not jokes
Sidhoni Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Lame counts as a understatement for these "jokes".Period.
gaurav92 Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 Alright guys, if DK has his PJ thread, even I can have this Thread. But if you all want to close this, its fine :icflove:
gaurav92 Posted July 12, 2011 Author Posted July 12, 2011 Ek dost doosre ko bata raha tha... “Yaar meri biwi paani se bahut darti hai” Frined: “Achcha wo kaisi?” Friend replied: “Yaar kal jab main ghar gaya to wo bath tub mein bhi security guard ke saath bethi thi“
gaurav92 Posted July 12, 2011 Author Posted July 12, 2011 Raat ko sapne mein pathan ko koi **** deta hai. Pathan subha hote hi bank jaakar apna account band karva deta hai. Kyun???? Kyunki bank ke board par likha tha - “Hum aapke sapno ko haqiqat mein badal denge”
gaurav92 Posted July 12, 2011 Author Posted July 12, 2011 Ladka ladki ke baap se : Main aapki ladki ka haath mangta hoon. Ladki ka baap : Kuyn. Ladka : Kyon ki ab mera hath thak gaya hai.
Recommended Posts