Monday's Bag

[apocalypse]

Congressional Football The Republicans and Democrats in Congress are constantly telling jokes about one another, and finally they agree to have a flag football game: The losing party won't be allowed to tell jokes about the winning party for one full year, and every year they'll replay the contest. Of course they play this game in RFK Stadium in D.C. The stadium is filled with onlookers who are watching this inept contest between elderly congressmen and roaring with laughter. Late in the third quarter, the score is tied at 0-0. A factory across the Anacostia River blows its shift whistle, and the stupid Democrats think this is the end of the game, so they leave the field. . . . . . . . . Thirteen plays later, the Republicans score. Cannibal Family Two cannibals in the jungle are standing over a fire with a large boiling pot, stirring the soup with wooden spoons. One cannibal says to the other, "I hate my mother in law, I really don't like her at all, she really makes me sick". The other cannibal says "So just eat the noodles". "Just the Smarts" Former VP Dan Quayle enters a tattoo parlor. The tattoo artist welcomes the vice president, and asks what he can do for him. I want a mark put on the front of my head, sort of like the one Gorbachev has. Can you do it? Uh, why yes, the tattoo artist replies. But if you don't mind my asking, why do you want it? Quayle explains that he recently visited with Gorbachev. I told him how much I admired him; his political savvy, his ability to bounce back from adversity. So I asked him, straight out, How do you do it? He told me, Quayle says, pointing to his head, You've got to have something up here... "Right Place at the Right Time" A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of on-lookers gathers around. "A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of anykind. "A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old man dressed shabbily and of at least eighty years of age. "Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I've been living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man." The policeman agrees and brings the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured man and says slowly in a solemn voice:"B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72..." "Checkout Conniption" A man noticed a woman in the grocery store with a three-year-old girl in her cart. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her no. The little girl immediately began to have a conniption, and the mother said quietly, "Now Missy, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long." In the candy aisle, the little girl began to shout for treats. When mom said she couldn't have any, she began to kick her mother and scream. The mother said softly, "There, there, Missy, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out." When they got to the checkout stand, the little brat immediately began to reach for the gum and freaked out when her mom said she couldn't have any. The mother patiently said, "Missy, we'll be through this checkout stand in five minutes and then you can go home and have a bottle and a nice snooze." The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Missy," he said. The mother sighed and replied, "Oh, no, my little girl's name is Francine - I'm Missy."

[varun]

"Just the Smarts" Former VP Dan Quayle enters a tattoo parlor. The tattoo artist welcomes the vice president, and asks what he can do for him. I want a mark put on the front of my head, sort of like the one Gorbachev has. Can you do it? Uh, why yes, the tattoo artist replies. But if you don't mind my asking, why do you want it? Quayle explains that he recently visited with Gorbachev. I told him how much I admired him; his political savvy, his ability to bounce back from adversity. So I asked him, straight out, How do you do it? He told me, Quayle says, pointing to his head, You've got to have something up here...

:haha:

[beetle]

"Checkout Conniption" A man noticed a woman in the grocery store with a three-year-old girl in her cart. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her no. The little girl immediately began to have a conniption, and the mother said quietly, "Now Missy, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long." In the candy aisle, the little girl began to shout for treats. When mom said she couldn't have any, she began to kick her mother and scream. The mother said softly, "There, there, Missy, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out." When they got to the checkout stand, the little brat immediately began to reach for the gum and freaked out when her mom said she couldn't have any. The mother patiently said, "Missy, we'll be through this checkout stand in five minutes and then you can go home and have a bottle and a nice snooze." The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Missy," he said. The mother sighed and replied, "Oh, no, my little girl's name is Francine - I'm Missy."