hari504504 Posted February 2, 2012 Author Share Posted February 2, 2012 Two blokes were walking through a cemetery when they happened upon a tombstone that read: "Here lies John Sweeney, a good man and a Chelsea fan." So, one of them asked the other: "When the hell did they start putting two people in one grave?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hari504504 Posted February 2, 2012 Author Share Posted February 2, 2012 I was hoovering my house the other day and Chelsea were playing live on tv I hit the tv stand by mistake and drogba fell over :facepalm: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hari504504 Posted February 2, 2012 Author Share Posted February 2, 2012 i was about to cross the road when i saw john terry, next thing a lorry comes out of nowhere and runs him over! I thought jesus that could have been me... Ive got a lorry licence. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hari504504 Posted February 2, 2012 Author Share Posted February 2, 2012 The Police are called to Old Trafford a man in full Chelsea strip is standing on top of the main stand, threatening to throw himself off.The police negotiator says to him, “come on mate, it’s not that bad, don’t do it!” “You don’t get it!” says the Chelsea fan, “for four years I’ve been a Chelsea supporter, and this year I was convinced we would win everything. Instead, we were kicked out of the FA cup by Barnsley… we lost the Carling Cup final to Spurs… then we lost the Premiership to the Mancs, and then we went to the Champions League final and Man United beat us again! I can’t take it any more!” “Ok mate, I do understand your pain,” replied the negotiator, “but I don’t understand one thing… why are you here at Old Trafford? Why aren’t you jumping off the main stand at Stamford Bridge?” The Chelsea fan looked at the policeman and replied, “have you seen the ******* QUEUE?” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hari504504 Posted February 2, 2012 Author Share Posted February 2, 2012 After Wayne Bridge refused to play for England while John Terry remains captain, fans are now urging JT to try it on with Emile Heskey's wife. John Terry has been lined up to star in a new ITV drama. It's called Other Footballers' Wives. Wayne Bridge bought Vanessa Perroncel a chocolate willy... but she says she prefers Terry's. We all knew John Terry liked scoring at The Bridge, but this is ridiculous Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pakistan Posted February 7, 2012 Share Posted February 7, 2012 What would you get if Newcastle were relegated? 45,000 more Man City fans Your joke was out dated so i updated it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sidhoni Posted February 7, 2012 Share Posted February 7, 2012 Two blokes were walking through a cemetery when they happened upon a tombstone that read: "Here lies John Sweeney, a good man and a Chelsea fan." So, one of them asked the other: "When the hell did they start putting two people in one grave?" :haha::haha: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gaurav92 Posted February 7, 2012 Share Posted February 7, 2012 Why can't you get a cup of tea at Stamford Bridge? All the mugs are on the field and all the cups are at Old Trafford. :two_thumbs_up: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hari504504 Posted February 11, 2012 Author Share Posted February 11, 2012 Liverpool have looked to bolster their attack by signing the Anfield cat, who showed much more promise in the one minute he was on the pitch against Spurs on Monday night than Andy Carroll has all season. Manager Kenny Dalglish was quick to move after watching replays of the ease and fluidity with which the feline striker ran into the box and bamboozled Brad Friedel. Dalglish said, Å©eÃÔ beaten the keeper with a confidence Dirk Kuyt could only dream of. Å´ome of the pigeons up in the stands were cooing unhappily that heÃÅ shown threatening behaviour towards them, but itÃÔ all a bit of banter as far as IÃÎ concerned. ŪÃÅ like to see the FAÃÔ independent panel prove it, anyway. Both parties are reportedly happy about the agreement, with the cat satisfied to bide his time at Anfield until a bigger club which can offer regular Champions League football comes in. Ÿhen Kenny showed him the contract, he was really purring with delight, revealed animal sport psychologist Rich Jones, on behalf of his furry client. Å¢lthough it might have been because of the tuna sandwich which was on KennyÃÔ desk. ŵhen when they were talking him through the goal and assist bonuses, and about how they were going to try to get the official Nike Premier League ball replaced by a ball of wool, he became distracted and started trying to get his paws on the liver bird on the õhis is Anfield sign. Å´till seems less temperamental than Luis Suarez at least. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1983-2011 Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 Luis Suarez isn't a racist. Some of his best friends have hands. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1983-2011 Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 So Suarez refused to shake Evra's hand at the start of the match. He said he couldn't because Evra was too busy eating bananas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1983-2011 Posted February 11, 2012 Share Posted February 11, 2012 When Luiz Suarez was asked after the game why he didn't shake the hand of Patrice Evra.. He replied "I don't greet slaves". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hari504504 Posted February 11, 2012 Author Share Posted February 11, 2012 When Luiz Suarez was asked after the game why he didn't shake the hand of Patrice Evra.. He replied "I don't greet slaves". :haha: Dodgy Harry Redknapp is back in court next week after Alan Pardew has accused him of rape... :two_thumbs_up: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hari504504 Posted February 11, 2012 Author Share Posted February 11, 2012 [ame= doesn't trust Pinto - YouTube[/ame] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harold2012 Posted February 14, 2012 Share Posted February 14, 2012 That was really funny and it was something to laugh. I think youÃ×e thought about it a lot Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hari504504 Posted February 14, 2012 Author Share Posted February 14, 2012 Manchester City outcast Carlos Tevez has spoken out against the treatment he received from the club, after being physically struck with a house shoe for trying lick his own genitals in front of the fire. Tevez claimed that being treated like a dog also extended to having his nose rubbed in it whenever he shat on the changing room floor. He told reporters, “They dragged me over to the turd by my collar, and kept shouting ‘bad Carlos, BAD Carlos’- it was very humiliating.” “It’s not like I put in the middle of the floor – I put in a corner out of the way.” “They have to remember that I am a human, not a dog, and going around urinating on stuff at the training ground should not make you think otherwise.” Tevez treated like a ‘dog’ Manchester City officials have denied the claims, insisting Tevez was not treated like a dog, but like any other wild animal in desperate need of house training. “He was not treated like a dog, as dogs tend to form a loving bond with their owners, and don’t fly to the other side of the world to sulk because they’re not happy being paid a quarter of a million pounds a week.” “That said, christ, you should see the fuss he kicked up when we tried to get him the team bath.” http://newsthump.com/2012/02/14/tevez-had-slipper-thrown-at-him-every-time-he-licked-his-genitals/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hari504504 Posted February 14, 2012 Author Share Posted February 14, 2012 Liverpool manager Kenny Dalglish has leapt to the defence of striker Luis Suarez after the forward spent yesterday evening on a murderous rampage that left fourteen dead and dozens more wounded. After their 2-1 defeat to rivals Manchester United, Liverpool’s Suarez was seen spraying crowds of Manchester fans with rounds from a semi-automatic weapon, before beating them with the gun itself once out of ammunition. However Dalglish moved to defend his player, insisting footage only shows the incident from the most unflattering of angles, and that people aren’t aware of the other things that went on out of sight of the camera. The Liverpool manager explained. “Yes, in the video he says, ‘I am going to shoot and kill as many people as I can’ – however you have to remember that the true meaning of this phrase has been lost in translation, and that in Uruguay this is a loving term of endearment.” Suarez Rampage Fans across the country have been left shocked by Dalglish’s inability to criticise his player for doing something that every other person on the planet deems to be so obviously wrong. Dalglish went on, “You only brutally maim the ones you love – that’s a common saying in Uruguay, everyone knows that.” “If we’re going to criticise him for a little cultural difference like murdering the people trying to run away from you, then I would say that you’re the racist.” http://newsthump.com/2012/02/12/dalglish-defends-luis-suarezs-post-match-murderous-rampage/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hari504504 Posted February 14, 2012 Author Share Posted February 14, 2012 Liverpool, unable to offload misfiring striker Andy Carroll in the January transfer window, have replaced him with an old fridge-freezer. Manager Kenny Dalglish unveiled the new signing at Liverpool’s Melwood training ground, declaring, “The old fridge-freezer is just as tall as Carroll, and also just as mobile. Plus it won’t get caught offside as often.” Carroll, who has scored just three league goals in 21 appearances this season, has failed to fit in on Merseyside. Dalglish continued: “Despite a show of public support, behind the scenes we were trying desperately to get rid of Carroll in January – everything from a swap with Carlos Tevez to selling him back to Newcastle for half what we bought him for. Which is still about six times what he’s worth. Not even Chelsea would take him, and they bought Torres off us.” “We even tried to get the council to come and take him away. When they said they only took domestic appliances we remembered this old fridge-freezer that Ian Rush used to keep his milk in.” Dalglish expects the appliance to strike up a fruitful partnership with Luis Suárez when he returns from his ban. “Suárez is going to love the greater sense of movement the old fridge-freezer gives to the team, and its first touch is second to none. Well, better than Carroll’s anyway. And it’s white of course.” And what now for Carroll? “We’ll probably just dump him down the canal.” http://newsthump.com/2012/02/06/liverpool-replace-andy-carroll-with-old-fridge-freezer/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hari504504 Posted February 19, 2012 Author Share Posted February 19, 2012 Walcott's player ratings on espnstar after the FA cup defeat vs Sunderland Theo Walcott (On 53') - 4.5 Walcott's 40 minutes on the field can be the next great mystery alongside the Bermuda Triangle, Loch Ness monster, Yeti and Bigfoot. It's rumoured to be true, but nobody really saw him on the pitch. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mariyam Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 :mad: I came to this thread expecting some jokes. WTH. Hari, by any chance did you take humour tuition from G92? :hmmm: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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