Rebb Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 No surprises then that most girls want to remain friends with their ex while guys furiously decline the offer. What a relief that this is a universal tendency and not merely confined to my lil world. I still don't get it though. I understand that at the start of a break up emotions are raw and all, but I have lost two really good friendships over stuff that happened *years* ago. Surely there comes a time when one can just move on and be friends, but apparently not. Personally for me, the greater tragedy is in the loss of this friendship than anything that could have come from a relationship. Maybe I just want to have my cake and eat it too, who knows? It's very frustrating that someone could like me enough to go out with me, but not just be my friend. Fascinates me because I am not sure how girls can enjoy the history without affecting the present xxx Trust me - it does. Girls are often just very good at hiding that kind of thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebb Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 It is strange how someone can soooooo get inside your head that you think of her/him every second of every minute of every hour. Sums up perfectly how I feel about Ganguly. Sigh. :giggle: --- And you guys like girls with ample...hips...over there? WTF? :hmmmm2: I don't even think I will ask. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zubinpepsi Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 aah.. dont remind me of the old emails.... my relationship got fuked up cuz of all those old mails.. i paid the price for not being organized with my inbox.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lurker Posted January 4, 2008 Author Share Posted January 4, 2008 I'm going through that right now - its keeping me happy' date=' but the fact that I got no shot is kinda making me sad too.:dontknow:[/quote'] If you realize you got no shot then get out before its too late living. It will mess up your mind, probably already has, will get you cut-off from real life friends and family, again probably already has, and will bring you nothing but heartache and pain. Remember no one is indispensible and I am sure you shall find someone with whom you have a better shot. Do realize that a situation as yours will not only set you back emotionally but will most likely adversely affect your self-confidence greatly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lurker Posted January 4, 2008 Author Share Posted January 4, 2008 I understand that at the start of a break up emotions are raw and all, but I have lost two really good friendships over stuff that happened *years* ago. Surely there comes a time when one can just move on and be friends, but apparently not. Personally for me, the greater tragedy is in the loss of this friendship than anything that could have come from a relationship. Maybe I just want to have my cake and eat it too, who knows? It's very frustrating that someone could like me enough to go out with me, but not just be my friend. The easy answer to your question why it doesnt work that way is the hit mutual trust takes. Let me ask you this - Would you like to be friends with an ex who cheated on you? What about a guy who cheated on you more than once? I have a feeling not too many girls would want to be friends with such a guy. Let me give you an example of when a girl wants to stay friends with a guy(typically). Imagine you meeting a guy and getting close by the day. Every day you two spend hours talking, in person or phone or emails or texts whatever. You drive to meet him and have a dinner and movie, say 6-7 hours spent together, and then when you are driving back all you can still think of is him. And when you reach home you see he has called and left you a voicemail. You call back immediately and his first words are - What took you so long? Amazing warm feeling is it not? Now roll the clock few months forward. Say now you two are close but somehow things have taken a bit of hit. You two have had a fight and the next day there was a patch-up. The first patch-up is no nice, is it not? Most likely both of you break down and promise not to make the same mistake. Then you fight again after sometime. This time the tears are less. And soon the fights become routine. Now when he calls you dont respond immediately. You will call him when you are done with your friends/family etc. And when he starts the conversation with a - What took you so long?, you notice it doesnt have the same warmth/anxiety as before but more a case of "Dont expect me to be here waiting for your calls". And most likely you shall respond with a "I was with a friend, I couldnt call you". And soon enough you will meet another guy, get impressed and then break the news to him. The poor sod shall be devastated. Perhaps because he misses you much, perhaps because he misses what you had, but also perhaps he feels a defeat. Men are not very good at taking defeats at the hands of fellow men who take away affection of their girls, women are worse but they can mask it better. In the situation I mentioned above the girl would still like to be friends but of course the guy would refuse. His issue would be the case of why should I trust someone who broke my trust? Maybe I just want to have my cake and eat it too, who knows? You are correct. I wont want to generalise but overall women typically want it all. I know it sounds sexist and all. Trust me - it does. Girls are often just very good at hiding that kind of thing. Which is what scares me. I would much rather break with a girl, grieve over her for months/years then forget it and move on to my new girl/wife. I find it scary that girls can very easily mask their past and in their moments of solitude go back to the time when they had some nice moments with their exs. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebb Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 Lurker, you make some really good points and I understand (and agree) with what you are saying. A couple of things though: You are correct. I wont want to generalise but overall women typically want it all. I know it sounds sexist and all.I agree with this but have to add that guys (for the most part) are exactly the same. A friend I had lunch with yesterday was telling me about this guy she had been dating, things had gotten quite serious, they had discussed moving in together, etc. All of a sudden his calls and visits to her got less and less. Finally she found out he was 'becoming interested' in another woman - far more wealthy, educated, exotic. My friend called it quits with this guy and was willing to just write off their friendship. All of a sudden the guy is back in the picture, calling her, wanting to meet up, bragging about his relationship with this other woman. From what I was able to gather he wants to stay in my friends life because he feels a "deeper connection" (his words) with her, but at the same time he won't give up this other woman because she provides him with the type of lifestyle he would never be able to attain off his own wicket. This is certainly having his cake and eating it too, yes? This is not an isolated incident. A lot of my friends complain about the same thing. Point is - I think it's more human nature than merely confined to females. Let me ask you this - Would you like to be friends with an ex who cheated on you? What about a guy who cheated on you more than once? I am stubborn and when somebody does me wrong that's it. Therefore, I would say that no I most likely wouldn't want to be friends. That said, I know people who have said the exact same thing and when it happened they not only remained friends, but took the person back. It's hard to say til it happens. Being merely friends with someone and having a relationship are two very different things. I would much rather break with a girl, grieve over her for months/years then forget it and move on to my new girl/wife. I find it scary that girls can very easily mask their past and in their moments of solitude go back to the time when they had some nice moments with their exs.Can you ever really just erase the past like that though? Just forget it never happened? That she never existed? I think it's perfectly natural to think back on the past. People compare their partners with ex partners all the time, whether subconsciously or not. I think it just becomes unhealthy when people succumb to the whole "grass was greener back then" thing and let it negatively impact on their current relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fineleg Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 aah.. dont remind me of the old emails.... my relationship got fuked up cuz of all those old mails.. i paid the price for not being organized with my inbox.... You lost a relationship becos ur not organized with email inbox! Thats interesting, :D Unless you mean you shared your email password:haha: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lurker Posted January 6, 2008 Author Share Posted January 6, 2008 Fair points Rebb and yes I do see where you are coming from. I would like to show where I differ in my opinions This is certainly having his cake and eating it too, yes? This is not an isolated incident. A lot of my friends complain about the same thing. Point is - I think it's more human nature than merely confined to females. See the difference here perhaps lies in the fact that the man in question is after some sort of material benefits(in this case lifestyle). For a lot of other men it is about the other benefit - sex. But for an average women it is hardly about material benefits(or sex). It is more to do with the fact that they have spent a good amount of time with the guy and they have liked him. They want him to be around, if only for meeting once a year. Maybe they like them to be a shoulder to cry on, maybe its just a feeling of guilt or maybe its simply a case of female being smart enough to know when to switch from love to friendship. I dont quite know. What I do know is that as a man I find it extremely impossible to slide from a "lover mode" to a "friend" mode, and most likely she would cry and say I am the bestest friend ever and she cant imagine her life without me and all. But truth be told if that was indeed the case we wouldnt have this situation, right? I am stubborn and when somebody does me wrong that's it. Therefore, I would say that no I most likely wouldn't want to be friends. That said, I know people who have said the exact same thing and when it happened they not only remained friends, but took the person back. It's hard to say til it happens. Being merely friends with someone and having a relationship are two very different things. On the point of cheating men I frankly dont know why a girl will take a man back, specially after repeatative infringments. There is another issue, similar to this, when I see women trying to hold onto their men/bf by giving them sex. It doesnt work obviously and more often than not both situation gets doomed. Can you ever really just erase the past like that though? Just forget it never happened? That she never existed? No I cant and thats a bummer. If I could then I would. See the problem is not that you are not close to the girl anymore. The problem is when she(or he) transfers all those rights that were typically yours. The right to call anytime of the day, the right to show public show of affection, the right to surprise her by doing something naughty, the right to her that only you could know. It is hard to pass that stage and realize all those rights are gone and never coming back. And so if you are sitting with her and daring each other with a - Give me a sexual secret before, suddenly after(the split) if she even speaks something intimate about her and her hubby you go all - Too much info/ dont ever do that. It is bl00dy hard, specially for men. I think it's perfectly natural to think back on the past. People compare their partners with ex partners all the time, whether subconsciously or not. I think it just becomes unhealthy when people succumb to the whole "grass was greener back then" thing and let it negatively impact on their current relationship. I know they do and this is what scares me. Comparing partner is done on all levels and not just emotional. And the worse thing nature has given humans is mind. You can have two people - hubby and wifey - in bed and there is no clue what the other one is thinking. Of course if the relationship is great such chances are rare but it is still very much there. Would I want to be in bed with my girl when she is thinking of her ex? No. Would she think of her ex when she is with me? I wish I could say an emphatic NO. xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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