punjabiplaya Posted September 7, 2011 Author Posted September 7, 2011 I got a strange text this evening off a number I didn't know. I replied, "Who's this?" I got a message back saying, "Your worst fecking nightmare." Which left me a bit baffled as she was sitting next to me and hadn't moved the whole time.
1983-2011 Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?' Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!' Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?' Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.' Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.' Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".
1983-2011 Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 Little Johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her vagina. He asks her what it is and she embarassed replies, "Oh, that's mommy's black sponge." A few days later, Johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor and says, "Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up the milk!" She replies, "I lost it, honey." A couple of days later, he comes running up to her and says, "Mommy, I found your black sponge!" Mystified, she says, "Where, honey?" Little Johnny says, "It's over at Mrs. Johnson's house, and Daddy's washing his face in it!"
1983-2011 Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher. She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter." The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy." A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is. Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher, "I remember it has an "r" after the first letter." "That's right!" she coaxed. Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, "Mrs. Crunt?"
1983-2011 Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 There are two ants living in a girl's pair of panties. One day they decide to go exploring in the caves. They said to meet back in the same spot in and hour. So, one ant went in one cave, and the other ant in a different cave. After an hour went by, the two ants met back up. One ant was covered in brown, sticky, smelly stuff. "Eeew!, What was your cave like" asked the other ant. "It was nice at first, but it soon became really smelly and the walls were all dark and sticky" replied the ant. "So how was your cave ?". "Well" he said, "It was lovely at first, all pink and warm, but then this bald guy started head butting me and then spitting on me."
punjabiplaya Posted September 8, 2011 Author Posted September 8, 2011 4 jamaican police officers were talking,when 1 of them said.."I had a bad dream last night. I dreamed that 10 batty man rape me...another policeman said..."Shut ya rass clat,yuh enjoyed it,cuz frm di 1st battyman touch yuh...yuh shudda wake up.
punjabiplaya Posted September 8, 2011 Author Posted September 8, 2011 A lad goes for a job in a general store, the boss says let me show u how its done. A customer comes in and asked for a packet of grass seed, the shop keeper says sir, when the grass grows u will need some shears, and after that u will need a lawn mower. The customer says thank u very much I never thought of that. The customer leaves having spent £200 and the boss turns to the lad, and says that is how it is done. The next customer is yours, a man walks in and says to The boy I would like a packet of tampx. The boy replies would u like a lawn mower as well sir? The man says y would I want a lawn mower! The boy says well your weekend is fecked u might as well cut the grass....
punjabiplaya Posted September 8, 2011 Author Posted September 8, 2011 I was on a cliff and this beautiful woman was walking towards me , I didn't no weather to block her passage of toss my self of
punjabiplaya Posted September 8, 2011 Author Posted September 8, 2011 With hindsight I should have posted my facebook status as; "I have blown the head gasket on my 1998 XR3i" rather than "I've just fecked a 13 year old escort". Still the police eventually saw the funny side.
Number Posted September 10, 2011 Posted September 10, 2011 An American man, a French guy, and an Arab are all on a plane. Suddenly the pilot comes over the PA and says the plane is going to crash if they don’t get rid of some unnecessary weight. The American takes a huge bag of hamburgers out of his suitcase and tosses it out the window, saying “Not a problem, I’ve got plenty of these where I come from.” The Arab guy somehow produces an entire barrel of oil and tosses it out, saying “Not a problem, I got plenty of this where I come from.” The French guy thinks things over for a minute, then grabs the Arab and throws him out the window.
punjabiplaya Posted September 10, 2011 Author Posted September 10, 2011 Felt a bit down today. so I dipped my Pakistani workmate in some bleach. That lightened Mamood!
punjabiplaya Posted September 10, 2011 Author Posted September 10, 2011 I've finally figured out why I am overweight! The shampoo that I use in the shower (which runs down my body) says: "For extra volume and body". I'm going to start using the dishwashing liquid that says, "Dissolves fat that is otherwise hard to remove".
punjabiplaya Posted September 10, 2011 Author Posted September 10, 2011 Paddy thought Hurricane Irene was the Womens Snooker champion.
punjabiplaya Posted September 11, 2011 Author Posted September 11, 2011 My pakistani neighbours put up decorations every September 11th and celebrate.This year, with it being the tenth anniversary I finally plucked up the courage to go round with my bat and teach them all a lesson.Turns out it's their daughters birthday.
punjabiplaya Posted September 13, 2011 Author Posted September 13, 2011 I said to my son, "Where you going?" He said, "I'm off to meet a girl." I said, "Don't forget to wear a... you know." He said, "What?" I said, "You know." He said, "Do you mean a condom?" I said,"No, a fecking hat you ginger cu*t."
punjabiplaya Posted September 13, 2011 Author Posted September 13, 2011 My wife came down from having a shower, and said with a wink, ive shaved my fanny, do you know what that means? Yes I replied, the fecking plughole is blocked!
punjabi_khota Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 My wife came down from having a shower, and said with a wink, ive shaved my fanny, do you know what that means? Yes I replied, the fecking plughole is blocked! :haha::haha::haha: Man thats just brutal. Imagine saying that...
punjabiplaya Posted September 16, 2011 Author Posted September 16, 2011 In my flat i live below a bulimic women. every night she is throwing up and the noise is unbelieveable! But apparently, its not appropriate to bang on the ceiling and shout "keep it down love!!"
punjabiplaya Posted September 16, 2011 Author Posted September 16, 2011 A husband emerged from the bathroom clearly aroused and naked. As he leapt into bed his wife complained, as usual, "I've a headache!" "Perfect!" her husband exclaimed. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with crushed asprin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you!"
punjabiplaya Posted September 16, 2011 Author Posted September 16, 2011 REMEMBER:- If you are in bed with a blind girl & she says "I've never had my hands on a co*k as big as yours" She's probably pulling your leg. :hysterical:
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