1983-2011 Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 My wife was furious when I showed her I'd uploaded our sex video to Pornhub. "You ****ing ******!" she screamed. "It's hardly as if your mum will see it," I replied "It's not that," she yelled, "you've put it in the chubby section."
1983-2011 Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 My dad committed suicide after losing all his money in a bad property investment. We knew he took monopoly seriously, but no one saw this coming.
gaurav92 Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 I'm worried about the England cricket team. First Kevin Pietersen was dropped, and now Andrew Strauss has resigned. At this rate, it won't be long before they will have to start picking fecking English players!! :haha: :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical:
gaurav92 Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 "ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY" and with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel!!! :cantstop: Usain Bolt goes to a golf club and the man at reception says, "Sorry sir, we dont let black people play here. There's another club 10 minutes down the road that might help." "But I'm Usain Bolt!" he says. "Alright then u clever fecker, 3 minutes down the road, now feck off!" :hysterical::hysterical: :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical:
Crookbond Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 I'm worried about the England cricket team. First Kevin Pietersen was dropped, and now Andrew Strauss has resigned. At this rate, it won't be long before they will have to start picking fecking English players!! :haha: :hysterical:
jimmy321321 Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 Maybe we should tone it down a notch. The neighbours changed the name of their wifi network to "We can hear you having sex"
jimmy321321 Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 I was watching World's Strongest Man on telly. There was a guy pulling a ten-ton truck using his teeth. That's nothing. I'm a cyclist, I can hold up a whole line of traffic.
jimmy321321 Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 Note to self: When picking your nose in the car... watch out for speed bumps!
jimmy321321 Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 I walked into a Pizza Hut the other day. "Hi, do you sell cream tea here?" I asked. "No, this is Pizza Hut. Maybe you should have gone to Specsavers," I was told rudely. So the next day, I took their advice and went to Specsavers early in the morning. "Hello, do you sell cream tea here?"
jimmy321321 Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 I said to a colleague, "My wife's got a body like one of those kids dolls." "Which one, Barbie?" "No the other one...Mr Potato Head."
jimmy321321 Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 Men have feelings too. For example, we feel hungry.
1983-2011 Posted September 7, 2012 Posted September 7, 2012 Watching the Paralympics has taught me so much about acceptance of other people's different abilities but also... If they can lift more, throw further and run faster than me, how come they still get to park closer to Tesco?
punjabiplaya Posted September 9, 2012 Author Posted September 9, 2012 Anyone else hate that awkward moment when the woman that you're dancing behind bends over so you can can grind, only to realise that she's picking up her phone that she dropped - and no-one else in McDonalds can hear your iPod? :cantstop:
punjabiplaya Posted September 9, 2012 Author Posted September 9, 2012 I just lost my temporary job as a chef at the Olympic Village. Apparently when asked to turn the veg on, fingering the Dutch girl in the wheelchair wasn't what they had in mind.
punjabiplaya Posted September 9, 2012 Author Posted September 9, 2012 A girl I know said the last time she had sex it was like the 100m final, I said over in 9 seconds? She said " no, eight black men and a gun" :hysterical:
gaurav92 Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 A girl I know said the last time she had sex it was like the 100m final, I said over in 9 seconds? She said " no, eight black men and a gun" :hysterical: :cantstop:
beetle Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 A rich gujju had an accident, in his new BMW... The cops came and gujju asks sadly "Officer mari brand new car!" Cop: your materialistic nature makes me sick and you are so blinded by money that you don't even realize your left arm is gone in the accident...Gujju looks at his left arm and shouts "Siiiiit! Maari rolex...=D.
jimmy321321 Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil. Worked a treat. Got me twenty years.
punjabiplaya Posted September 9, 2012 Author Posted September 9, 2012 I went to see the Red Arrows today. There were gasps of "Ooh" and "Aah" as the crowds watched on in amazement. Near miss after near miss had some people covering their eyes and shaking their heads in disbelief. It was a good half hour's worth of entertainment, but in the end, my wife finally managed to park the car and we made our way to the air show.
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