punjabiplaya Posted December 7, 2010 Author Posted December 7, 2010 I started reading Harry Potter but i think its a bit far fetched. I can buy the fact that magic exist's & that there could be such things as unicorns & wizards .. But a ginger kid with two mates ! . . 'feck OFF !!!'' :hysterical:
punjabiplaya Posted December 8, 2010 Author Posted December 8, 2010 My wife finally walked out on me, after I blew our life savings on a penis extension. She said she couldn't take it any longer.
punjabiplaya Posted December 8, 2010 Author Posted December 8, 2010 A teacher asks the class to name things that end in "tor" that eat things The first little boy says "alligator" "Very good, that's a big word" The second little boy says " predator" "Yes, that's another big word well done" Little jonny says, " vibrator, Miss" After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word but it doesn't eat anything" " well my sister has one and she says it eats fecking batteries like there's no tomorrow.
punjabiplaya Posted December 8, 2010 Author Posted December 8, 2010 A man cooks Deer for his kids but they're recluctant to eat it wanting to know what it is. "I'll give you a clue its something your mother calls me". "Don't eat it" shouts one of the kids. "It's a fecking pri*k!".
punjabiplaya Posted December 8, 2010 Author Posted December 8, 2010 Little boy asks dad "What's between mum's legs?"Father answers "Paradise, my son." Kid asks again "What's between your legs?" Father replies "The key to paradise!"The son says "Piece of advice dad, change the lock, the neighbour has a fecking spare key!"
punjabiplaya Posted December 8, 2010 Author Posted December 8, 2010 3 woman sat drinking + talking bout sexy pet names they av 4their husbands. 1st one says,"i call mine 'The Dentist' cos he knows how to drill me + fill me!" 2nd one says, "I call mine 'The Miner' cos of his long dark shaft!" 3rd one says, "Well I call mine 'The Postman' of course." The other 2 women smile + ask,"Why?" She replies, "Because his sack is always full, he takes ages to come and if he can't deliver at the front he'll gladly go round the back!!
punjabiplaya Posted December 8, 2010 Author Posted December 8, 2010 SANTA CLAUS. 1. Wears red. 2. Good at breaking into houses. 3. Has loads of electrical goods that nobody can trace. 4. Drives an unlicensed vehicle. 5. Only does one day's work a year. Lapland my ass. He's a fecking Scouser.
punjabiplaya Posted December 8, 2010 Author Posted December 8, 2010 Things you can get away with saying only at Christmas. 1. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. 2. Smother the butter all over the breasts! 3. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst! 4. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it? 5. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go. 6. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once? 7. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time! 8. You still have a little bit on your chin. 9. You'll know it's ready when it pops up. 10. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
punjabiplaya Posted December 8, 2010 Author Posted December 8, 2010 Order now for Christmas the new Radio 1 Live Lounge with the cover versions you never thought you would hear:Susan Boyle - Don't You Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like MeStevie Wonder - I Can See Clearly NowNick Griffin - Black Or WhiteKatie Price - Like A VirginRihanna - Hit Me Baby One More TimeMichael Jackson - I'm Forever Blowing BubblesJosef Fritzl - Love ShackStephen Hawking - I'm Still Standing
kooljatt Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?" "No," said his mom, "of course not." Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
kooljatt Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?". His teacher replies "NO" Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me". "OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies. Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger". She again says "NO". "But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again. "Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher. Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON" Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".
kooljatt Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 Little Johnny comes home from school one day and asks his mother what "****" meant. Thinking fast she replied "food on the table". Next day he comes home and asks his mother what does "son of a *****" mean. Again, thinking fast again she says "It's a priest". Next day he comes home a asks what does "****in'" mean. She says it means "getting dressed". That same night a priest was coming over for dinner. Johnny is just finished setting the table when he hears the doorbell ring. He yells "got it". He opens the door and says "Hey son of a *****, shits on the table and mom and dad are upstairs ****in'".
Laaloo Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?". His teacher replies "NO" Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me". "OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies. Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger". She again says "NO". "But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again. "Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher. Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON" Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either". :cantstop:
punjabiplaya Posted December 10, 2010 Author Posted December 10, 2010 My daughter was asked to do a farmyard impression at school today. Apparently "Get the feck off my land before i shoot you, you pikey bast*rd" wasn't quite what the teacher was expecting!! :hysterical:
punjabiplaya Posted December 10, 2010 Author Posted December 10, 2010 Wife with PMT: "Oi.. DO YOU WANT ANYTHING TO EAT?" husband: "what choices are there?" wife : "YES OR FECKING NO!"
punjabiplaya Posted December 10, 2010 Author Posted December 10, 2010 I saw a poor old lady fall unconcious in the snow today. Well I'm guessing she was poor, she only had 86p in her purse
punjabiplaya Posted December 10, 2010 Author Posted December 10, 2010 Essex,the only place in the country where on Sunday morning, the women have a higher sperm count than the men!
punjabiplaya Posted December 10, 2010 Author Posted December 10, 2010 My girlfriend has asked for a personal trainer for Christmas.I've bought her a running shoe with "Kate you're a fat *c**t" written on it.
punjabiplaya Posted December 10, 2010 Author Posted December 10, 2010 I was just watching a black family on 'Family Fortunes'. You should have seen their faces light up when Vernon Kay said to them, "Get ready, you might have a chance to steal".
punjabiplaya Posted December 11, 2010 Author Posted December 11, 2010 Paddy buys a bath. Returns it next day, complaining it leaks ? Manager says "Did u buy a plug" ? Paddy replies "You wa*ker you never said it was electric" !
Recommended Posts