punjabiplaya Posted March 2, 2011 Author Posted March 2, 2011 2 dogs in the vets, jack and butch. Jack says wot u in for? Butch replies i mauled the postman and im being put to sleep. Butch asks jack what u in for then? Jack replies i was walkin past my owners bathroom and saw her naked bending over washing her hair, i was so horny i mounted her doggy style, jesus says butch no wonder you are being put to sleep. Jack replies im not, im in to get my nails clipped..
punjabiplaya Posted March 2, 2011 Author Posted March 2, 2011 A penis has a sad life. His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbour is assh*le, his bestfriend is a pussy and his owner beats him! :haha:
punjabiplaya Posted March 2, 2011 Author Posted March 2, 2011 Only the Brits could send a warship named after a pork sausage to rescue English citizens from a muslim country! God speed HMS Cumberland.
punjabiplaya Posted March 2, 2011 Author Posted March 2, 2011 My Grandad said: "Man Utd will win the title this year." I said: "Tell me something I don't know ..." He replied: "Your Nana's ars* can take my whole fist."
punjabiplaya Posted March 2, 2011 Author Posted March 2, 2011 After her fifth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory.Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three bouquets at the end of the bed."Who are these from?" she asked the nurse. "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them.""Well," said the nurse, "the first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks.""Ahhh, that's really nice!" said Lucy."The second is from your husband- he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!""Brilliant!" said Lucy. "And the third?""That's from Eric in the burns unit," said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears!" :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical:
punjabiplaya Posted March 2, 2011 Author Posted March 2, 2011 Sometimes as a man you just can't win. I was holding the door open for a young lady yesterday when she said "Will you feck off - I'm trying to have a sh*t..."
punjabiplaya Posted March 2, 2011 Author Posted March 2, 2011 I met 2 fat girls in the pub tonite with a cardiff accent. I said i know that accent. So i said are u 2 from England. One said Wales you fecking idiot. Sorreee..... I said. Are u two whales from England :hysterical::hysterical:
punjabiplaya Posted March 2, 2011 Author Posted March 2, 2011 Man pulls wife into bedroom and he rips off her clothes. "Now darling do a handstand against the full length mirror on the wall". "Hmmm," she thinks "KINKY... I like it.". She does the handstand and her hubby pulls her legs apart and puts his chin on her privates. "The boys down the pub were right," he says, " a goatie would suit me!" :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical:
vaibhav_delhi Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 Man pulls wife into bedroom and he rips off her clothes. "Now darling do a handstand against the full length mirror on the wall". "Hmmm," she thinks "KINKY... I like it.". She does the handstand and her hubby pulls her legs apart and puts his chin on her privates. "The boys down the pub were right," he says, " a goatie would suit me!" :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical: what imagination!
Laaloo Posted March 3, 2011 Posted March 3, 2011 A penis has a sad life. His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbour is assh*le, his bestfriend is a pussy and his owner beats him! :haha: I met 2 fat girls in the pub tonite with a cardiff accent. I said i know that accent. So i said are u 2 from England. One said Wales you fecking idiot. Sorreee..... I said. Are u two whales from England :hysterical::hysterical: :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical:
punjabiplaya Posted March 3, 2011 Author Posted March 3, 2011 Woman and baby go 2 the docs. Doc's concerned about baby's weight and asks "ls he bottle or breast fed?" Woman replies breast fed, so the doc asks her 2 strip 2 the waist. Doc then pinches and sucks her nipples, & rubs both her tits 4 a while. "No wonder the baby is under weight, U've got no milk" says doc. "I know", says woman "I'm his Granny, but I'm fecking glad I came!"
punjabiplaya Posted March 3, 2011 Author Posted March 3, 2011 Woman in a jewellers farts while bending over to look at a diamond ring. She looks round, and sees the salesman behind her. He says "can i help you?" hoping he hadn't heard her fart, she asks "how much is this ring?" He says "madam, if u farted looking at it, u'll sh*t urself when i tell u the price!" Lol
punjabiplaya Posted March 3, 2011 Author Posted March 3, 2011 Wife says to hubby "Did you know a bull fecks 3000 times a year, why can't you?" Husband replies "Ask the bull if he fecks the same miserable cow every night!!"
punjabiplaya Posted March 3, 2011 Author Posted March 3, 2011 I went to Primark at the weekend, there was a black guy next to me looking at some polyester shirts. I thought thats strange, they usually pick cotton.
punjabiplaya Posted March 3, 2011 Author Posted March 3, 2011 A trucker has been on road for 3 wk's solid. Exhausted he stop's at a brothel, drop's £500 on table & demand's the ugliest woman in the house & a bacon sarnie.The owner say's "Sir, for that money u can have my finest lady & a 3 course meal" the man replies "listen I'm not horny,I'm fecking homesick
punjabiplaya Posted March 3, 2011 Author Posted March 3, 2011 Might have been a bit out of order last night. I gave the wife a good slap cos my dinner was cold and sub-standard. On reflection, it was probably the restaurants fault.
punjabiplaya Posted March 3, 2011 Author Posted March 3, 2011 What do you call a German gynaecologist? Hans Upperkunt. :hysterical:
punjabiplaya Posted March 4, 2011 Author Posted March 4, 2011 Man bought a budgie. It kept repeating "Am a Stoke on Trent budgie am hard as feck". After a week the man got so fed up he bought a kestrel & put it in the cage & said "lets see how hard you are now, you little fecker". Next morning the kestrel was dead. Budgie said "Am a Stoke on Trent budgie am hard as feck". Man bought a buzzard & put it in the cage. Next morning the buzzard was dead. Budgie said "Am a Stoke on Trent budgie am hard as feck". Man bought a golden eagle & put it in the cage. Next morning the eagle was dead & the budgie had no feathers left. Budgie said "had 2 tek me jacket off 4 that fecker.!"
punjabiplaya Posted March 5, 2011 Author Posted March 5, 2011 sixteen years old asif comes home grinning and tells his parents he's just had sex for the first time. His proud dad says "I'll buy you that mountain bike to celebrate- have to be next pay day though." Boy smiles and says "that's OK dad- my ass is too sore to ride it yet anyway."
punjabiplaya Posted March 5, 2011 Author Posted March 5, 2011 “A Husband and his wife agreed that anytime they want to have sex, they will call it a ‘PHONE CALL’ so that the kids will not decode. One day, the husband sent his son to tell his mother that he wants to make a phone call. Mother replies: Tell your father that the Network is bad today. Husband: Tell your mother that if there is no Network at home, I will go to the “Public Phone”. Wife sent back, tell your father that if he dares goes to a Public Phone, then I will open a “Call Centre” at home. :hysterical:
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