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The Predator_05 Adult Humour thread

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Predator_05

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Re: The Predator_05 Adult Humour thread Today we shall continue with the farm animals theme...:eew: :eew: :eew: Perhaps you biology enthusiasts might like it. --- A farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer, not being fully literate - doesn't have the slightest idea what this whole "artificial insemination" thing means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down on their sides and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant. The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself ! So he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, screws them all, brings them back, unloads them and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take and loads them into the Land Rover again ! He drives them out to the woods, and this time - he bangs each sheep TWICE for good measure, brings them back, unloads them, and goes to bed feeling absolutely drained and exhausted. Next morning, he wakes to find that these f*cking sheep are still just standing around !! Try again, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends ALL DAY humping the sheep, one way, the other way, from every conceivable angle - and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed and passes out. The next morning, still feeling as sore as ever - he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying on the grass. "No," she says, "they have all piled into the Land Rover, and one of them is BEEPING the horn!"

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Predator_05 Newbie

Predator_05

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Re: The Predator_05 Adult Humour thread Be sure that you never have the misfortune of getting lost in the woods WITHOUT a compass, a map and a transistor ! --- Three men who were lost in the woods were captured by a horde of cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they can pass the trial he had set for them. The first step of this trial was to go back into the forest and bring back ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went in separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, "O'king, I brought ten apples ! Please spare my life ! " The king then explained the trial to him. "Hahaha ! If you want to live, you must shove those fruits up your butt without any hint of expression on your face ! If you fail to do so, you'll be eaten." The man gasped. He was left with no choice. So he began to shove in the first apple, and after five long minutes it went in rather painfully, but he controlled himself. But while attempting to stick in the second one, he couldn't stand it and screamed out in pain. He was killed. The second man arrived and showed the king ten berries he had collected, and also pleaded that he be set free. The cannibal king explained the same trial to him and the man thought to himself - wow this should be a piece of cake ! So in went the berries - 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and just as he was about to crack in the ninth berry he inexplicably burst out in laughter and was killed ! The first guy and the second guy met each other in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you moron ! You almost got away with it !?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it when I saw the third guy coming with pineapples !!!"

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Predator_05 Newbie

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Re: The Predator_05 Adult Humour thread Today's piss-take...:wall: --- [code:0c72021dd3] India innings (target: 249 runs from 50 overs) R M B 4s 6s SR W Jaffer b Pollock 0 2 3 0 0 0.00 SR Tendulkar b Nel 35 79 51 5 0 68.62 M Kaif c Gibbs b Pollock 8 38 19 1 0 42.10 captain R Dravid b Langeveldt 18 32 25 3 0 72.00 wicket-keeper MS Dhoni c wicket-keeperBoucher b Nel 14 32 27 3 0 51.85 SK Raina c Kallis b Nel 4 24 12 0 0 33.33 D Mongia c Kemp b Kallis 1 8 9 0 0 11.11 Harbhajan Singh lbw b Kallis 1 10 4 0 0 25.00 AB Agarkar b Kallis 6 25 16 1 0 37.50 Z Khan c wicket-keeperBoucher b Nel 1 4 8 0 0 12.50 MM Patel not out 0 11 3 0 0 0.00 Extras (w 1, nb 2) 3 Total (all out; 29.1 overs) 91 [/code:1:0c72021dd3]

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Predator_05 Newbie

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Re: The Predator_05 Adult Humour thread Having an affair with a nice woman isn't always as exciting as it's cracked up to be... --- Coming into the bar and ordering a double scotch, a man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "Man, I'm so pissed off !" "Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely. "See, I have been seeing this beautiful woman for a while. Last night she invited me back to her apartment. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and just when we were about to get it on - her god damned husband came in the front door ! So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!" "Gee, that's tough !" commiserated the bartender. "You're right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on. "So her husband walked into the room and said 'Hey great ! You're naked already ! Let me just take a p*ss and i'll be right in !' And the lazy son of a b*tch went for his p*ss out the window...pouring right onto my head !!!" "Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "Sh*t, no wonder you're in such a lousy mood." "Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, while i was hanging off the damn ledge, I actually had to listen to them grunting and groaning ! When they finished, the f*cking husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? MY damned forehead !!!" "Daaaaaaaaamn, that really is a drag !" exclaims the bartender. "Oh, but I'm not finished !!! See what really pissed me off even more was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so what did that b@stard do ? He stuck his ugly ass out the window and let loose right on my head !!!" The bartender paled. "Man, I am so, so sorry. That would sure mess up my day." "Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"

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The Outsider Newbie

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Re: The Predator_05 Adult Humour thread Okay, just helping Predator out a bit:

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home. The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
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Predator_05 Newbie

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Re: The Predator_05 Adult Humour thread Thanks for covering for me, shwetabh...:wtg: --- The following is a list of slogans which were used to promote "NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK" all across the world...enjoy ! and stay safe. ---

COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE YOU HUMP BEFORE YOU ATTACK HER, WRAP YOUR WACKER DON'T BE SILLY... PROTECT YOUR WILLIE BEFORE YOU BLAST HER, GUARD YOUR BUSHMASTER DON'T BE A LONER... COVER YOUR BONER WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YOUR SPOUT YOU CAN'T GO WRONG IF YOU SHIELD YOUR DONG IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WACK IT IF YOU THINK SHE'S SPUNKY, COVER YOUR MONKEY BEFORE YOU BAG HER, SHEATH YOUR DAGGER IT'LL BE SWEETER IF YOU WRAP YOUR PETER IF YOU SLIP BETWEEN THIGHS, BE SURE YOU CONDOMIZE TO SAVE EMBARRASSMENT LATER, COVER YOUR 'GATOR' SHE WON'T GET SICK IF YOU CAP YOUR DICK IF YOU GO INTO HEAT, PACKAGE YOUR MEAT WHILE YOU'RE UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP THAT PENIS WHEN YOU TAKE OFF HER PANTS N' BLOUSE, SUIT UP THAT TROUSER MOUSE DON'T DO MORE THAN NECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT-WRAP YOUR MEMBER BEFO' DA VAN START ROCKIN', BE SHO' YO' COCK GOTS A STOCKIN' DON'T BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YOUR TOOL THE RIGHT SELECTION, SACK THAT ERECTION! WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER DON'T BE IN A JIFFY... COVER YOUR STIFFY
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