velu Posted August 2, 2012 Posted August 2, 2012 A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...." "Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth." :girly1:
punjabiplaya Posted August 7, 2012 Author Posted August 7, 2012 I got chatting to a girl in a club, "Can I buy you a drink?" I asked. "Have you not got a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends." "No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her. "Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a white wine please." A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love. While I was putting my clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?" I said, "My wife found out." :hysterical::hysterical:
punjabiplaya Posted August 7, 2012 Author Posted August 7, 2012 I got chatting to a girl in a club, "Can I buy you a drink?" I asked. "Have you not got a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends." "No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her. "Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a white wine please." A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love. While I was putting my clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?" I said, "My wife found out." :hysterical::hysterical:
punjabiplaya Posted August 7, 2012 Author Posted August 7, 2012 First weekend of the Olympics and Romania have taken gold, silver, bronze, copper, lead and anything else they can get their feckin hands on!
punjabiplaya Posted August 7, 2012 Author Posted August 7, 2012 Just been watching Olympic Ladies Beach Volleyball . . There's already been a wrist injury . . but i should be OK by tommorow... ! :hysterical:
punjabiplaya Posted August 7, 2012 Author Posted August 7, 2012 olympic commentators say "its impossible to knock five seconds off your personal best."...not true...i managed it yesterday when i was watching the beach volleyball and heard my wife's car pull into our driveway. :haha:
punjabiplaya Posted August 7, 2012 Author Posted August 7, 2012 Despite having never seen a dartboard, let alone thrown a dart, Abdul decided to join our team in order to 'integrate into British society'. "OK, what do I have to do"? he asked excitedly on his first visit to the pub. "As it's your first game" I replied "we've decided to put you in goal" :haha::haha:
punjabiplaya Posted August 7, 2012 Author Posted August 7, 2012 In Olympic sailing: the USA have just took gold, the Germans silver, and the Somalians took a middle age couple from Ealing
asterix Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 Just been watching Olympic Ladies Beach Volleyball . . There's already been a wrist injury . . but i should be OK by tommorow... ! :hysterical: :hysterical:
The Outsider Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 First weekend of the Olympics and Romania have taken gold' date=' silver, bronze, copper, lead and anything else they can get their feckin hands on![/quote']
punjabiplaya Posted August 9, 2012 Author Posted August 9, 2012 If my girlfriend went down as much as my internet, I wouldn't even need to use it. :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical:
punjabiplaya Posted August 9, 2012 Author Posted August 9, 2012 As I walked romantically hand in hand with my girlfriend through the park I stopped her and said, "I've been wanting to do this for ages but it's never been the right time." As I got down on one knee she shrieked, "Oh my god, Yes, yes, yes." I said, "Okay, don't get too excited , it's only a fecking shoe lace." :cantstop:
J P K Posted August 12, 2012 Posted August 12, 2012 HOW TO IDENTIFY DIFFERENT CITIZENS OF INDIA : Scenario 1 : Two guys are fighting & a third guy comes along, sees them and walks on. That's MUMBAI. Scenario 2 : Two guys are fighting. Both of them take time out & call their friends on their mobiles. Now 50 guys are fighting. You are in PUNJAB Scenario 3 : Two guys are fighting & a third guy comes along and tries to make peace. The first two get together and beat him up. That's DELHI. Scenario 4 : Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along and quietly opens a tea stall. That's AHEMDABAD Scenario 5 : Two guys fighting and a third guy comes along then a forth and they start arguing about who's right. You are in KOLKATA Scenario 6 : Two guys fighting and third guy comes nearby house and says " don't fight in front of my place, go somewhere else ." That's KERALA Scenario 7 : Two guys fighting third guy comes along with a carton of beer.All sit together drink beer and abuse each other and go home as friends. You are at GOA Last Scenario : Two guys fighting. Third guy comes and shoots both of them. You are definitely in UTTAR PRADESH
Sid Posted August 12, 2012 Posted August 12, 2012 If my girlfriend went down as much as my internet, I wouldn't even need to use it. :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical: :cantstop:
anish233 Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 Punjabiplaya U Are The King Of Jokes In Icf. Hats Off Man. And All Those Haters I Have Seen Throughout The Thread... Loool..
punjabiplaya Posted August 14, 2012 Author Posted August 14, 2012 Telling girls that I'm a professional boxer always brings out their flirty side You can imagine their disappointment when they see my FedEx uniform lying on the bed. :haha:
punjabiplaya Posted August 14, 2012 Author Posted August 14, 2012 I phoned the NHS line today and said, "I'm having a real problem getting an erection." "Well we're here to help you as much as we can sir," the woman replied. "Great!" I burst out. "What colour panties are you wearing?" :hysterical:
punjabiplaya Posted August 14, 2012 Author Posted August 14, 2012 Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met. Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind." "Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin. "Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind." The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress. The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour. Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences. Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!" The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner. He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?" The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that fecking fence wasn't electrified." :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical:
punjabiplaya Posted August 14, 2012 Author Posted August 14, 2012 A salesman rang the doorbell, and little Johnny answered. The salesman asked if his father was home. Johnny said, "Yes." The salesman said, "Well, can I see him please?" Johnny sniggered and said, "No, he is in the shower." The salesman asked if his mother was home. Johnny said, "Yes." The salesman asked, "Well, can I see her?" Johnny sniggered again and said, "No, she's in the shower too." The salesman then asked, "Do you think they will be out soon?" Johnny laughed this time and said, "No." The salesman asked, "Why?" "Well," Johnny said, "when my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him some Super Glue." :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical:
Sid Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met. Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind." "Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin. "Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind." The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress. The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour. Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences. Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!" The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner. He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?" The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that fecking fence wasn't electrified." :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical: A salesman rang the doorbell, and little Johnny answered. The salesman asked if his father was home. Johnny said, "Yes." The salesman said, "Well, can I see him please?" Johnny sniggered and said, "No, he is in the shower." The salesman asked if his mother was home. Johnny said, "Yes." The salesman asked, "Well, can I see her?" Johnny sniggered again and said, "No, she's in the shower too." The salesman then asked, "Do you think they will be out soon?" Johnny laughed this time and said, "No." The salesman asked, "Why?" "Well," Johnny said, "when my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him some Super Glue." :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical: :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical:
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