jimmy321321 Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 My new girlfriend said to me, "Be honest, how many women have you actually slept with?" "Just four," I replied. "Four women in your whole life?" she asked, "That's pretty good." "Oh sorry, I thought you meant since we've been together."
jimmy321321 Posted August 24, 2012 Posted August 24, 2012 My wife obviously didn't mind me going to the pub on our anniversary. She knew I'd be hungry and left me two dinners out on the table.
punjabiplaya Posted August 26, 2012 Author Posted August 26, 2012 I fecking really hate these people who knock on your door asking for donations. I had this bit*h knock on my door last night asking for sperm. I gave a her right mouthful!!!!!
punjabiplaya Posted August 26, 2012 Author Posted August 26, 2012 I went to Margate today it was fantastic............ This fat woman asked me if I could rub lotion over her body I said 'sorry love I'm only here for the day'
jimmy321321 Posted August 26, 2012 Posted August 26, 2012 My gold plated butt-plug business is being sued by Apple. Apparently they have a patent for overpriced crap for arseholes.
Crookbond Posted August 26, 2012 Posted August 26, 2012 I fecking really hate these people who knock on your door asking for donations. I had this bit*h knock on my door last night asking for sperm. I gave a her right mouthful!!!!! :hysterical:
gaurav92 Posted August 26, 2012 Posted August 26, 2012 My gold plated butt-plug business is being sued by Apple. Apparently they have a patent for overpriced crap for arseholes. :cantstop:
jimmy321321 Posted August 27, 2012 Posted August 27, 2012 After divorcing from my ten year marriage, I started dating again and was soon using muscles I'd forgotten I had. Mainly when I smiled.
Lord Posted August 27, 2012 Posted August 27, 2012 A couple was going to a costume party. The husband was unsure of what costume to wear. His wife was telling him to hurry or they would be late for the party. She was walking down the stairs from the bedroom, completely naked except on her feet were a big old floppy pair of boots. "Where is your costume?" the husband asked. "This is it," replied his wife. "What the heck kind of costume is that?" asked the husband. "Why, I am going as Puss and Boots," explains the wife. "Now hurry and get your costume on." The husband went upstairs and was back in about two minutes. He also was completely naked except he had a rose vase slid over his penis. "What the heck kind of costume is that?" asked the wife. "I am a fire alarm," he replied. "A fire alarm?" she repeated laughing. "Yes," he replied. "In case of fire break the glass, pull twice and I come."
punjabiplaya Posted August 30, 2012 Author Posted August 30, 2012 I love the way different accents have the power make you feel and think of different things. For example, when I hear an Australian accent, I think of sport. When I hear an Italian accent, I think of great food. And when I hear an Indian accent, I think, I'm about to be put on hold. :haha::haha:
punjabiplaya Posted August 30, 2012 Author Posted August 30, 2012 I went into our local shop today just as a couple of kids ran out laughing, closely followed by the shop owner Rafiq. "Feck off you little bast*rds!" he shouted. "Are you alright Rafi?" I asked him. "No.. No I'm fecking not!" he stammered, "I'm fed up of being called a smelly Paki by little shits like them!" "Well, why don't you do something about it?" I asked. "Huh," he scoffed, "The police won't do anything." "The police?... I was thinking more about using a deodorant every now and then." :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical:
punjabiplaya Posted August 30, 2012 Author Posted August 30, 2012 Gas fitter called to do a annual service on my old boiler had to turn him away as i got rid of her last year
punjabiplaya Posted August 30, 2012 Author Posted August 30, 2012 "ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY" and with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel!!! :cantstop:
punjabiplaya Posted August 30, 2012 Author Posted August 30, 2012 Usain Bolt goes to a golf club and the man at reception says, "Sorry sir, we dont let black people play here. There's another club 10 minutes down the road that might help." "But I'm Usain Bolt!" he says. "Alright then u clever fecker, 3 minutes down the road, now feck off!" :hysterical::hysterical:
punjabiplaya Posted August 30, 2012 Author Posted August 30, 2012 All women have a good side. It's the one with the tits and pus*y on it
punjabiplaya Posted August 30, 2012 Author Posted August 30, 2012 Landlord at my pub said "why are you looking so happy?" I replied " the wife had one of those procedures done at the hospital today that would put a smile on most men's faces" He said "breast enlargement or a fanny tuck?" I said "nah, post-mortem!" :haha::haha:
punjabiplaya Posted August 30, 2012 Author Posted August 30, 2012 I'm worried about the England cricket team. First Kevin Pietersen was dropped, and now Andrew Strauss has resigned. At this rate, it won't be long before they will have to start picking fecking English players!! :haha:
Trichromatic Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 I'm worried about the England cricket team. First Kevin Pietersen was dropped, and now Andrew Strauss has resigned. At this rate, it won't be long before they will have to start picking fecking English players!! :haha:
J P K Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 I'm worried about the England cricket team. First Kevin Pietersen was dropped, and now Andrew Strauss has resigned. At this rate, it won't be long before they will have to start picking fecking English players!! :haha: :cantstop:
Recommended Posts