Crookbond Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 A snobbish English teacher was sitting in an Atlanta airport coffee shop waiting for her flight back to Connecticut, when a friendly Southern belle sat down next to her. ‘Where y’all goin’ to?’ asked the Southern belle. Turning her nose in the air, the snob replied ‘I don’t answer people who end their sentences with prepositions’. The Southern belle thought a moment, and tried again. ‘Where y’all goin’ to, *****?’
punjabiplaya Posted July 17, 2013 Author Posted July 17, 2013 The Pakistani next door has had a metal plate fitted in his head after an accident.When I pass him, I always tap on it.He shouts "paki tin"He's got a great sense of humour.
punjabiplaya Posted July 17, 2013 Author Posted July 17, 2013 Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he's confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car parts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, "I have not ordered this". The Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says, "You not Nissan Main Deala?"
punjabiplaya Posted July 17, 2013 Author Posted July 17, 2013 I spent two hours defrosting the fridge last night.Or foreplay as she likes to call it!
punjabiplaya Posted July 17, 2013 Author Posted July 17, 2013 The groom to be said to his best man, "I'm not sure if my bride to be is a virgin or not." The best man said: "Theres an easy test for that. All you need is some red paint some blue paint and a shovel. You paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. On your Honeymoon,if she laughs and says." "These are the funniest balls i've ever seen." "You hit her with the fecking shovel."
Lord Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 A NIGHT IN THE BAR: Bartender: Who Are You? I've never seen you before... Man: Yeah! I just lost my job and came here for a drink .. Bartender: What kind of Job? Man: Well. I am a Consultant. .. Bartender: Whats that? Man: Its a logical thinker. .. Bartender: Logical Think, what? Man: Let me explain it with an Example. Do you have a dog? .. Bartender: Yes! Man: That means you love animals Bartender: True! Man: That mean you love your kids too.. .. Bartender: Yes True! Man: You have Kids, that means you are Married.. .. Bartender: Very True! Man: You love your Kids. You are still married, means you have a beautiful Wife. .. Bartender: Amazing man! How do you know all these? Man: Thats logical thinking now you are married to a lady, so you are not Gay! .. Bartender: Impressive! Man: Time to leave. Bye! (About 20 mins, later the Bartender's Boss Comes) Bartender: Boss, you know I met a Consultant today. Boss: Consultant!! Whats that?? .. Bartender: A logical thinker. Boss: Logical what?? Bartender: I'll explain it with an Example Boss: Okay! .. Bartender: Do you have a DOG? Boss: No! .. . . . Bartender: That means you are Gay! :-P
Sachin=GOD Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
FischerTal Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 before marriage, its ishq wala love, after marriage its kutte wali zindagi
Lord Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door. "Is there a problem Officer?" The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?" The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one." "You don't have one?" The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving." The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?" "I'm sorry, I can't do that." The policeman says, "Why not?" "I stole this car." The officer says, "Stole it?" The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner." At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?" "She's in the boot if you want to see." The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!" The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?" "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner." "Murdered the owner?" The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?" The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot. The officer says, "Is this your car sir?" The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers. The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence." The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner." The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"
1983-2011 Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 So the royal baby managed to spend a whole day at the crease. Something the Australians can only dream of in this ashes series. So the royal baby has been born and it's a boy. However the aussies are going to waste another review and see if it's actually out. Hoping the Royal Baby is ginger so that Harry & William can fight it out on Jeremy Kyle... I think it's a disgrace that the new royal baby is third in line to the throne. Babies should be allowed to **** whenever they want.
punjabiplaya Posted July 27, 2013 Author Posted July 27, 2013 As the doctor went through my notes, he said, "The surgery has risks. You will almost certainly regain the sight in your eyes but there is a chance it will affect your ability to maintain an erection." I said, "How come?" He said, "Well ... your wife is fecking ugly." :hysterical:
Desi Cartman Posted July 27, 2013 Posted July 27, 2013 As the doctor went through my notes, he said, "The surgery has risks. You will almost certainly regain the sight in your eyes but there is a chance it will affect your ability to maintain an erection." I said, "How come?" He said, "Well ... your wife is fecking ugly." :hysterical: Hahahaha
Alchemist Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 After the success of Bhag Milkha BHag, Farhan Akhtar is making a movie : Bol Manmohan Bol !
adi B Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 Just heard this one on twitter Why did the kaam vaali bai run away after washing the utensils? Because they became shiney :hysterical: :cantstop:
adi B Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 I went out the other night on the pull with my mate, Retard Dave, thinking he'd make me look good. In the first bar we went into I saw this gorgeous blonde and told him to look after my drink while i went to chat her up. Five minutes later I was back, having got absolutely nowhere. Retard Dave then told me he was going to have a go. I laughed and advised him not to as he'd make a fool of himself. But up he went and chatted to her and five minutes later they were walking out together with him giving me the thumbs up. I was both amazed and devastated. How could she have chosen him after me. Yet I was strangely proud of him as well The next day I walked into the pub and there he was, sat upon a bar stool, nursing a pint all alone, looking like he was feeling sorry for himself "Retard Dave! You de man!" I greeted him ..."so....come on then....tell us how you got on with that bird last night" "It was terrible" he said....."terrible!" "Why...what happened?" I asked He continued "Well...I asked her if she wanted a drink and she said "forget the drink handsome...just take me home and make mad sweet passionate love to me". So we went back to her house, went up the stairs, took all our clothes off, when all of a sudden we heard the front door open . She shouts out..."It's my husband!....Quick! Hide!"" "Oh that's bad luck" I said "Worse!" he replies. "The only place I could hide was outside the window. So I climb out and cling to the window ledge. Up comes her husband....says he needs a piss, comes up to the window and pisses out of it....all over me!" "That's terrible" I say. "Worse!" he replies. "There I am, clinging to the window ledge, freezing cold, nothing on, covered in piss, when all of a sudden her husband says he needs a sh*t. So he comes up to the window and shits out of it....all over me!" "God that's awful" I say "Worse!" he replies. There I am, clinging to the window ledge, freezing cold, nothing on, covered in piss, covered in sh*t, when all of a sudden her husband says he needs to puke. So he comes up to the window and pukes out of it....all over me!" "That's fecking unbelieveable!" I say "Worse!" he replies "Worse?" I say "What the feck could be worse than that??" "Well" says Retard Dave ..."There I am, clinging to the window ledge, freezing cold, nothing on, covered in piss, covered in sh*t, covered in puke...and when I looked down I was only two inches off the ground!" :hysterical::hysterical: absolute gem
adi B Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 A biker stops when he notice - a young girl who's about to jump off a bridge. He asks her: Do U mind giving me the final kiss before you jump? She quietly accepted & gave him one of the deepest lingering kisses he ever had. When she finished, he said: Wow, this is the best Kiss I ever had. Why are you committing suicide? She replied: My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl. :haha: I had a phone call from the school today. They said, "Your son has just spray painted Pakis Are dirty feckers' in giant letters across the playground." "You must be joking?" I said, "I don't believe for a second that he's actually done it." "Well, he did." she replied, "I watched him." "Fair play then," I said, "I owe him a tenner." :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical: :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical:
adi B Posted July 28, 2013 Posted July 28, 2013 A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Moishe.” Passenger: “Who?” Cabbie: “Moishe Glickman. There’s a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Moishe every single time.” Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.” Cabbie: “Not Moishe. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro-tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano.” Passenger: “Sounds like he was something, huh?” Cabbie: “He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out.” Passenger. “Wow, some guy ehh? Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get into them” Passenger: ” Mmm, not many like that around.” Cabbie: “And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.” Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?” Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Moishe.” Passenger: “Then how do you know so much about him?” Cabbie: “I married his widow.”
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