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The Predator_05 Adult Humour thread

Predator_05

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Re: The Predator_05 Adult Humour thread Dogs aren't always a man's best friend... --- Two police officers - George and Mary, have been assigned to patrol a rough neighbourhood in town. They are both casually strolling down the street, incognito in their every-day clothing. They had only been out a short while when Mary suddenly exclaimed, "Damn it ! I was running late this morning after having my workout. "After I showered, I forgot to put on my panties and left them in the locker room ! We MUST go back to the station to get them !!" George replied, "Nah, don't worry about it toots." "We surely can't go back there now. It's too far. Just give our K-9 unit, Fido, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you instead !!" Mary gave the idea some thought. It was a searingly hot day and Mary didn't fell like heading back to the station herself. "Yeah, fair enough. Let's give it a shot", she says in agreement. So Mary proceeds to unbutton the front of her jeans a tiny bit, and brings the dog over to let him sniff it. Fido's nose shoots straight between her legs, and the little dog begins sniffing and snorting loudly. After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido's ears pick up - he sniffs the wind, and immediately sprints off in a flash towards the station house. George and Mary sit down on the curb and wait for their doggy to come back. Ten minutes go by and no sign of Fido. Another ten minutes pass, and the dog is STILL nowhere to be seen. When fifteen more minutes pass, the two officers are starting to worry. A minute or two later - they begin to hear sirens of police cars in the distance. The screeching noises of the sirens get louder and louder. Suddenly, an Ambluance races down the street at full speed, followed by almost a dozen police cars ! George and Mary watch them go by, dumbstruck. Mary gets up and shouts, "Where is that f*cking mutt !!?". ...and right at that very moment, they see little Fido running towards them with the Desk Sergeant's c0ck in his mouth !

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Re: The Predator_05 Adult Humour thread

Looks like the last one has left a lot of folks speechless. :lol::lol::lol:
...can't say i didn't warn you ! Anyway, one should always be careful what they wish for... --- A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so damn tiny compared to your body ?" The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream." "So I picked up the frog and it croaked, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes. So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a big kiss. ...and POOF! The little frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman !!" She said, "You may now have 3 wishes !" So I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a ripped body like Arnold Schwarzenegger." She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, "What will be your second wish?" I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We then made love for hours! Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?" I looked at her and replied, "Now how about a little head ?"
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Re: The Predator_05 Adult Humour thread The Adult Humour thread celebrates the holiday season in true christmas spirit... --- Once there was a little 7 year old boy called Little Johnny. Little Johnny had a cussing problem which he had picked up from public school and his sensitive father was getting sick of it. Visibly upset, the father decided to ask his psychiatrist what he can do about it. The shrink thought for a moment and responded, "hmmm. Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him." "IF he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave him a big pile of dog sh*t in place of the gift or gifts he requests. It's a form of positive reinforcement !" The father agreed to this. So two days before Christmas, he asked Little Johnny what he wanted from Santa Claus. A question to which Little Johnny curtly replied, "I WANT A BIG F*CKING TEDDY BEAR LYING BESIDE ME WHEN I WAKE UP !! AND WHEN I WALK DOWN ALL THOSE F*CKING STAIRS I WANNA SEE A GOD DAMN F*CKING MINIATURE TRAIN RACING AROUND THAT F*CKING TREE !!! AND THEN WHEN I STEP OUTSIDE THIS F*CKING HOUSE, I WANNA SEE A NICE NEW BIKE OUTSIDE THAT F*CKING GARAGE !!!! I HOPE THAT FAT B@STARD UNDERSTANDS ALL THIS, 'COS HE BETTER !!!!!" His father took a while to compose himself and refrained from replying. He nodded. Then on Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a massive pile of dog sh*t. Confused, he walked down the staircase and saw another humungous pile of dog sh*t underneath the tree. Startled, he scratched his head and he walked outside - only to see the another small mound of the same stuff by the garage. When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad was grinning ear to ear. He asked, "So son...what did ol' Santa bring you this year ?" Johnny replied, "I THINK THE FAT B@STARD GOT ME A F*CKING DOG, BUT I JUST CAN'T FIND THE SON OF A B*TCH!!!"

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Captain of Bhangra Newbie

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Re: The Predator_05 Adult Humour thread Apologies for hi-jacking your thread, Predator, but I just thought I'd leave some advice for fellow men... I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit." We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled. "WHAT?", I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that b1tch knows I'm smarter than her.

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