I need a B(P)itch

[The Outsider]

Hey! I am test cricket and just checking in to dispel some notions about my longevity, survival, and money. I am a bit of an octogenarian as far as things are moving along - what with a cricket match finishing in 40 overs, sometimes 10 but feel the need to give my input since I was the cool dude who got the ball rolling. Imagine your cricket without the 221 that Gavaskar scored at the Oval 20 years back chasing 438, or without the double hundred Greenidge made chasing 360 odd at Lords', which mind you was supposed to be a challenging total. Tough, huh? Yeah well you can be assured of not seeing those kind of innings in the future if you let me die. I am the best format of sport ever invented - I test out skills, stamina, firepower, and longevity. I ensure the best team wins the series and those looking for spectacular upsets can follow other crap. But a format is as good as the bed given and I need a b(p)itch to get the best out of me. The batsmen need to be tested out - the game was never intended to last 5 days. The fifth day was kept as an option to ensure a result during bad weather if that's any consolation about the length of time I last. What was wrong with the Oval surface to have been called "poor"? In three out of four innings teams scored 300+ runs, bowlers loved the assistance, batsmen were made to work for their runs - isn't that what I am supposed to be? But as soon as I get a p(b)itch the ICC complains about it being unfair, specially if it happens to be an Indian like Mumbai '04 and Kanpur '08. Now then, don't think of me a racist just because I have mentioned Indian and their brown cracks. I ask myself this question often - why am I being reduced to a run scoring spectacle. Surely, the other formats cover for that sort of thing. Why do I need a "championship" lasting 4 years to survive? In today's age the iPhone can become a market leader in 4 years and some delusional people think that I will live on and prosper if I am contested over 4 years? I don't like baring myself in front of empty stadiums - I am a bit of a show off. Now you tell me, honestly, one to one, will people want to watch me just because I am a part of a championship in which half the personnel change over 4 years? I like to keep it between two people and I love it if my pictures in compromising positions are not splashed. People who love me still do and will continue to do so as long as I get the right b(p)itches. Where are the days when someone with a bat would feel enthusiastic to take on a b(p)itch and teach her a lesson? Where are the days when someone with balls would have them lifted at the sight of a b(p)itch which does something? I need quality......I need b(p)itches.

[suraj]

Awesome write :two_thumbs_up::two_thumbs_up:

[Anakin]

Well written

[diegovegaz]

mail this article to the ICC, lol

[Riley's Girl]

Bloody brilliant!

[Guest Gunner]

mail this article to the ICC' date=' lol[/quote'] I second that.:winky:

[coffee_rules]

I am also old and on medicare. I have earned a lot for the government, that's the reason they are paying me back to keep me alive as long as I can live. They are running out of money too, my sons (ODIs) are old, while my grand-daughters' (T20) like Paris Hilton - hot, attractive and they come easy. ps.: Great write, Shwetabh.

[ludhianvi]

Nicely written : ) Arent Test matches producing more results these days than ever before in the previous era?

[Malcolm Merlyn]

Hey! I am test cricket and just checking in to dispel some notions about my longevity, survival, and money. I am a bit of an octogenarian as far as things are moving along - what with a cricket match finishing in 40 overs, sometimes 10 but feel the need to give my input since I was the cool dude who got the ball rolling. Imagine your cricket without the 221 that Gavaskar scored at the Oval 20 years back chasing 438, or without the double hundred Greenidge made chasing 360 odd at Lords', which mind you was supposed to be a challenging total. Tough, huh? Yeah well you can be assured of not seeing those kind of innings in the future if you let me die. I am the best format of sport ever invented - I test out skills, stamina, firepower, and longevity. I ensure the best team wins the series and those looking for spectacular upsets can follow other crap. But a format is as good as the bed given and I need a b(p)itch to get the best out of me. The batsmen need to be tested out - the game was never intended to last 5 days. The fifth day was kept as an option to ensure a result during bad weather if that's any consolation about the length of time I last. What was wrong with the Oval surface to have been called "poor"? In three out of four innings teams scored 300+ runs, bowlers loved the assistance, batsmen were made to work for their runs - isn't that what I am supposed to be? But as soon as I get a p(b)itch the ICC complains about it being unfair, specially if it happens to be an Indian like Mumbai '04 and Kanpur '08. Now then, don't think of me a racist just because I have mentioned Indian and their brown cracks. I ask myself this question often - why am I being reduced to a run scoring spectacle. Surely, the other formats cover for that sort of thing. Why do I need a "championship" lasting 4 years to survive? In today's age the iPhone can become a market leader in 4 years and some delusional people think that I will live on and prosper if I am contested over 4 years? I don't like baring myself in front of empty stadiums - I am a bit of a show off. Now you tell me, honestly, one to one, will people want to watch me just because I am a part of a championship in which half the personnel change over 4 years? I like to keep it between two people and I love it if my pictures in compromising positions are not splashed. People who love me still do and will continue to do so as long as I get the right b(p)itches. Where are the days when someone with a bat would feel enthusiastic to take on a b(p)itch and teach her a lesson? Where are the days when someone with balls would have them lifted at the sight of a b(p)itch which does something? I need quality......I need b(p)itches.

Does your talent know no limits shwetabh...excellent write..........:adore::adore::adore::adore::adore::adore::adore::adore::adore::adore::adore:

[Chandan]

What was wrong with the Oval surface to have been called "poor"? In three out of four innings teams scored 300+ runs, bowlers loved the assistance, batsmen were made to work for their runs - isn't that what I am supposed to be? But as soon as I get a p(b)itch the ICC complains about it being unfair, specially if it happens to be an Indian like Mumbai '04 and Kanpur '08. Now then, don't think of me a racist just because I have mentioned Indian and their brown cracks.

So true!! Why is there a hue and cry the moment a pitch assists spinners? And good seam bowlers get assistance as well as Ishant showed Kanpur '08. But why do people cry foul the moment a pitch is dusty? What is wrong with dusty pitches? Why are they labelled as 'poor', 'doctored', 'dodgy and what not, while not one bats an eyelid if it is a raging seamer, damp, and nearly impossible to play! Why?

[Ram]

Now you tell me, honestly, one to one, will people want to watch me just because I am a part of a championship in which half the personnel change over 4 years? I like to keep it between two people and I love it if my pictures in compromising positions are not splashed. People who love me still do and will continue to do so as long as I get the right b(p)itches.

:hatsoff:

[DomainK]

Hey! I am test cricket and just checking in to dispel some notions about my longevity, survival, and money. I am a bit of an octogenarian as far as things are moving along - what with a cricket match finishing in 40 overs, sometimes 10 but feel the need to give my input since I was the cool dude who got the ball rolling. Imagine your cricket without the 221 that Gavaskar scored at the Oval 20 years back chasing 438, or without the double hundred Greenidge made chasing 360 odd at Lords', which mind you was supposed to be a challenging total. Tough, huh? Yeah well you can be assured of not seeing those kind of innings in the future if you let me die. I am the best format of sport ever invented - I test out skills, stamina, firepower, and longevity. I ensure the best team wins the series and those looking for spectacular upsets can follow other crap. But a format is as good as the bed given and I need a b(p)itch to get the best out of me. The batsmen need to be tested out - the game was never intended to last 5 days. The fifth day was kept as an option to ensure a result during bad weather if that's any consolation about the length of time I last. What was wrong with the Oval surface to have been called "poor"? In three out of four innings teams scored 300+ runs, bowlers loved the assistance, batsmen were made to work for their runs - isn't that what I am supposed to be? But as soon as I get a p(b)itch the ICC complains about it being unfair, specially if it happens to be an Indian like Mumbai '04 and Kanpur '08. Now then, don't think of me a racist just because I have mentioned Indian and their brown cracks. I ask myself this question often - why am I being reduced to a run scoring spectacle. Surely, the other formats cover for that sort of thing. Why do I need a "championship" lasting 4 years to survive? In today's age the iPhone can become a market leader in 4 years and some delusional people think that I will live on and prosper if I am contested over 4 years? I don't like baring myself in front of empty stadiums - I am a bit of a show off. Now you tell me, honestly, one to one, will people want to watch me just because I am a part of a championship in which half the personnel change over 4 years? I like to keep it between two people and I love it if my pictures in compromising positions are not splashed. People who love me still do and will continue to do so as long as I get the right b(p)itches. Where are the days when someone with a bat would feel enthusiastic to take on a b(p)itch and teach her a lesson? Where are the days when someone with balls would have them lifted at the sight of a b(p)itch which does something? I need quality......I need b(p)itches.

Superb writing.:two_thumbs_up:

[gs]

Excellent !!!!

[Dinx - the Jinx]

Excellent piece Shwetabh... I liked your take on Oval surface being branded as poor. Completely agree. One thing I dint find amusing was the use of b(p)itches. I feel its a little overdone. You could have used it in a few lines and left it. Using it in every other sentence doesnt look good.

[Lord]

Wow! wat writing