coffee_rules Posted October 24, 2009 Share Posted October 24, 2009 don't. date first. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desi Cartman Posted October 24, 2009 Share Posted October 24, 2009 I am still a few years away from my marriage, which I hope won't be arranged. But here are a few points I have learned from watching some of my friends go through the process and some advice one of my friend's dad had given him: 1. No matter how many girls you meet, you will never be sure whether you want to marry one. The reason is that you hardly get to know the girl enough to be sure of such a big decision. You can judge their looks, but it's not a one night stand. You will never know for sure that she fits your definitions of a good wife. use the opportunity to get introduced & then if the parents are too conservative and cant give you enough time to date and get to know each other well then move on ... If you spend 8-12 months talking everyday , meeting every few days and then think if she is the one. Just like normal dating 2. Like job interviews, they will never open up to you. They will project an image they want you to see. They will be behind a shield. You can not cross question them like you do with a candidate in a job interview because you have to make them feel comfortable and respected. You have to make the conversation look casual, interesting and at the same time you will have yo find out enough about their personality and test compatibility. At the same time, you have to impress her as well. A part of the conversation could be rehearsed. Not really ! Like a normal date no one opens up on the first date. Thats why you need to make her feel comfortable and then say that "as per the reet rivaj I think I am happy to get to know u more but we will talk about wedding date later".. that is if you like her ... and from there just treat it as dating... 3. You will find it extremely difficult to compare girls. Some of them will score high on certain expectations and low on certain others. Comparing the combinations is a difficult job knowing that the choice is not just about numbers. Like PK said its not buying cars ... Its about finding someone jisko dekh ke ghanti bajay ... 4. My friend's father said that the moment you find a girl matching your expectations up to 65-70%, immediately say yes. You won't find any better. hmmm I dont think that its the best match anybody can get but I think he meant that u'll never find 100% compatible spouse so in the end everybody needs to adjust. At least this is what I did .. I was feeling lonely and was in India .. mum asked me to come with her to a friends place .. I went there .. on the way ma said "her daughter is very nice ... Just see if u wanna go out with her". So I had samosa and dhokla ... I had slight diarrhea the day b4 so my mum announced "dont give him too much he has diarrhea " :(( .. My wife was like :hysterical: Anyway .. the next day I went out with her ... & since then I spoke to her everyday .. yes EVERYDAY .. we got to know each other for a year and then decided to get married & have been very happy :icflove: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desi Cartman Posted October 24, 2009 Share Posted October 24, 2009 No girl who is trying to go through the arranged marriage route is going to agree to date you...:hysterical:. Hell if it was that easy' date=' I would be sending my 'bio-data' to all and sundry :giggle: ...sure they want to get to know you and stuff but thats about it.[/quote'] IMO only .001% can date but 100% of them want to date. Who wouldnt want to know their spouse first before getting married? The trick is to find a family where dating is acceptable as long as you are seriously considering making a commitment in a shot time .. short time depends on your negotiating skills .. I started with "give me 2 months" to "abhi jaldi kya hai 6-8 months he to hue hain mile huey " Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yoda Posted October 24, 2009 Share Posted October 24, 2009 I know someone who met a "suitor" with all the expected awkwardness' date=' but then got their email address and actually got to chat to them for a good while through emails etc and get to know them better while also avoiding all the sharades and fronts. Seems to have been working out well for her so far, who knows where it will lead but that could be a suggestion if you don't want to rush into anything. It is one of the biggest decisions of your life after all, good luck with it all.[/quote'] Ok, let me give a counter. Someone I know did extensive chatting with this girl, got engaged, even visited and stayed briefly at their place before marriage and then some pretty devastating stuff came out of the closet at the last minute, and the wedding was thankfully called of. Now he is quite happily married to a girl with whom he hardly got to know pre or post engagement. So, if someone sounds good in chat or even in person, there could still be tons of stuff behind the closet and they could be putting on a good show for you. Ideal situation is when you come to know of the girl and get to know her over an extended period of time like say a few years before marriage. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desi Cartman Posted October 24, 2009 Share Posted October 24, 2009 Ok, let me give a counter. Someone I know did extensive chatting with this girl, got engaged, even visited and stayed briefly at their place before marriage and then some pretty devastating stuff came out of the closet at the last minute, and the wedding was thankfully called of. Now he is quite happily married to a girl with whom he hardly got to know pre or post engagement. So, if someone sounds good in chat or even in person, there could still be tons of stuff behind the closet and they could be putting on a good show for you. Ideal situation is when you come to know of the girl and get to know her over an extended period of time like say a few years before marriage. I know of someone who dated this girl who used to go to LA often for work .. 2 years later he found that she had another bf in LA .. so what to do ? for all he knew he could have married her in the next 6 months ... There are no guarantees .. its a gamble Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nova Posted October 24, 2009 Share Posted October 24, 2009 Well this is great topic and I'll be dealing with this soon. So here are my thoughts on this: I am currently talking to a girl from a match-making site. We do not know each other's family. So it's just like two strangers reading profiles and showing interest in the other. Well I guess in my case this will not be arranged marriage. We have talked for about a month now and after a hour long chat on the phone on the first day, we talked more about various things like interests and long term goals, etc. Because this is long distance, I cleared everything at the beginning like what is our end goal, who will relocate, financial expectations, and a time frame where all this will happen provided we like each other as time goes by. We have not met each other yet, so in that sense we are still strangers but have developed a basic understanding. I am now going to meet her next week and spend time with her for couple days and see if there is connection If everything goes well, then we will be doing long distance dating. Over a period of months we will get to know each other better and discuss things important to a successful marriage (which is the end goal). Now you might wonder what are the important things to ask? Well I have a good book for you which I highly recommend (arranged marriage or not): [ame=http://www.amazon.com/Intellectual-Foreplay-Questions-Lovers-Be/dp/0897932773]Amazon.com: Intellectual Foreplay: A Book of Questions for Lovers and Lovers-to-Be (9780897932776): M.A. Eve Eschner Hogan, Eve Eschner Hogan: Books[/ame] Believe me just get the book and read it. In any relationship, it is important to be honest with each other from the beginning. I cannot over emphasize this. Yes we all are there to impress the other in our first meet. But if either partner is going to put up a good front and hide their SERIOUS short comings ALL the time, then it will eventually backfire in the long run. Best to be open and free about it and discuss important things before you tie the knot. At least you know what you are getting into and you are somewhat prepared for a life long commitment. Eventually acceptance, compromise, love and "being caring" will be key to any successful relationship. Everyone will argue and fight in a marriage but how you deal with the situation depends on different individuals. Regardless what anyone's intentions are, their ACTIONS will determine the outcome. After all, actions do speak louder than words. If there is a wide gap between how you want to treat the other person in a marriage and how you actually behave once married, then that will set a downward course. In short this is my strong advice to you: Talk about important issues that matter to you (it's all in that book) before tying the knot. Even after all this, as someone said...it's still a gamble, but at least you have some idea of the future. Something is better than nothing in this age of the modern bhartiya nari. I hope you find my post useful. Good luck :two_thumbs_up: P.S. One other book you should look into is this (could be useful reading for you): [ame=http://www.amazon.com/First-Comes-Marriage-Relationship-Marriages/dp/1416561722/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1256359820&sr=8-2]Amazon.com: First Comes Marriage: Modern Relationship Advice from the Wisdom of Arranged Marriages (9781416561729): Reva Seth: Books[/ame] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EnterTheVoid Posted October 24, 2009 Share Posted October 24, 2009 She couldnt resist the SoodCharm :hysterical: Enjoying the bachelor's life for now. Lets see what the future holds. Even than, no arranged marriage. My mind is made up. I am yet to experience anything that will make me reconsider Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DomainK Posted October 24, 2009 Share Posted October 24, 2009 use the opportunity to get introduced & then if the parents are too conservative and cant give you enough time to date and get to know each other well then move on ... If you spend 8-12 months talking everyday , meeting every few days and then think if she is the one. Just like normal dating Not really ! Like a normal date no one opens up on the first date. Thats why you need to make her feel comfortable and then say that "as per the reet rivaj I think I am happy to get to know u more but we will talk about wedding date later".. that is if you like her ... and from there just treat it as dating... Like PK said its not buying cars ... Its about finding someone jisko dekh ke ghanti bajay ... hmmm I dont think that its the best match anybody can get but I think he meant that u'll never find 100% compatible spouse so in the end everybody needs to adjust. At least this is what I did .. I was feeling lonely and was in India .. mum asked me to come with her to a friends place .. I went there .. on the way ma said "her daughter is very nice ... Just see if u wanna go out with her". So I had samosa and dhokla ... I had slight diarrhea the day b4 so my mum announced "dont give him too much he has diarrhea " :(( .. My wife was like :hysterical: Anyway .. the next day I went out with her ... & since then I spoke to her everyday .. yes EVERYDAY .. we got to know each other for a year and then decided to get married & have been very happy :icflove: That's wonderful and inspiring. It's great to find the right life partner. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Texy Posted October 24, 2009 Share Posted October 24, 2009 O god...why is everyone getting so eager to get married....like your life will end if you don't get married within certain age.... how can you marry a complete stranger? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sooda Posted October 24, 2009 Share Posted October 24, 2009 Its about finding someone jisko dekh ke ghanti bajay .. Great way to put it DC hhehee The thing is I guess how do you know?? I think there was that 'chemistry' when I met my fiancee. But Im not sure. Was it just the desperate b@stard in me dying to say yes to anyone? I hope shes everything I want in a girl, and perhaps more importantly hopefully I am everything she wants. I do wonder what shes actually like very often! As Yoda and DC quire rightly point out a lot of it is a gamble Youre not going to uncover everything about her unless you go out w/her for a few months-and thats never going to happen with me. I wouldnt want to anyway and As P_K says the date thing isnt going to happen or they wouldnt be going down the arranged route So I just went with one meeting. Hopefully iits all I needed, the family is kinda known. Bit lucky in that respect. And good luck for next week Tdigi- let us know how it goes...:two_thumbs_up: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Merlyn Posted October 24, 2009 Share Posted October 24, 2009 Ok. I got 'engaged' back in Aug, arranged. went to Bangalore, spoke to my fiancee- then first person I met for this purpose. Lasted about a half hour. It was all awkward giggles to begin with but then once we started talking it was ok She couldnt resist the SoodCharm and the rest is history :p not really. I was lucky that my parents know hers well-ish, so kinda know the family etc. And frankly I was (am!) desperate so couldnt be asked to look for ages. Just didnt have enough family here in the UK so hard to get to know people etc As far as the actual meeting itself- i wanted to be a normal chat, her interests hobbies that kinda thing. Didnt have any questions per se that I had to ask, as I knew her education etc. Just wanted to know if i could converse with her easily and I could. HOPEFULLY all will work out ace- wedding most probs next July Im quite excited actually, getting to know her will be fun Havent spoken to her yet on phone. Not sure her folks would approve... But I too want to hear from peeps who are in arranged marriages--what its been like...please share :--D arent u too old for this sood?ur avtar suggests so........ guys i'm seriously nervous of this marriage thing,i run away from home when my family even mentions it.never believed in arrange marriages.....but as desi said......jisko dekh ke ghanti bajay....well ghanti baji.........bt it didnt work out....so will try to be bachelor until my family threatens me with something very dire.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sooda Posted October 24, 2009 Share Posted October 24, 2009 Muhahaa... theres life in this lightsaber yet, dont you worry Sunny force with me it is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EnterTheVoid Posted October 24, 2009 Share Posted October 24, 2009 guys i'm seriously nervous of this marriage thing' date=i run away from home when my family even mentions it.never believed in arrange marriages That bad ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Merlyn Posted October 24, 2009 Share Posted October 24, 2009 That bad ? worse sree..........heart breaks can do things to you one cant even imagine...............i was once the most confident man around.......not anymore......life is much more mechanical now.....if not for icf and icfers i would have slipped in to depression:icflove: by runnning away i mean i take up a rural posting or smthng for a few weeks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nova Posted October 24, 2009 Share Posted October 24, 2009 worse sree..........heart breaks can do things to you one cant even imagine...............i was once the most confident man around.......not anymore......life is much more mechanical now.....if not for icf and icfers i would have slipped in to depression:icflove: by runnning away i mean i take up a rural posting or smthng for a few weeks Fear of rejection and heart breaks are part of the game. But you know...not every girl will do this to you. I guess the crucial thing is to assess the other person's values before getting too emotionally involved...alas this is the hardest part. There is plenty of fish man, and you are bound to catch the right one with patience and right approach :fishing: I say get up on your feet and face the challenge becoz every day is a new beginning. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Merlyn Posted October 24, 2009 Share Posted October 24, 2009 Fear of rejection and heart breaks are part of the game. But you know...not every girl will do this to you. I guess the crucial thing is to assess the other person's values before getting too emotionally involved...alas this is the hardest part. There is plenty of fish man, and you are bound to catch the right one with patience and right approach :fishing: I say get up on your feet and face the challenge becoz every day is a new beginning. if 6 years wasnt patient enuf...i doubt,i can be anymore patient Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DomainK Posted October 24, 2009 Share Posted October 24, 2009 arent u too old for this sood?ur avtar suggests so........ guys i'm seriously nervous of this marriage thing,i run away from home when my family even mentions it.never believed in arrange marriages.....but as desi said......jisko dekh ke ghanti bajay....well ghanti baji.........bt it didnt work out....so will try to be bachelor until my family threatens me with something very dire.... You can run, but you can not hide. One day they will catch you leave you in charge of a wife. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zubinpepsi Posted October 24, 2009 Share Posted October 24, 2009 sunnyji, im exactly in the same situation as u r in... and i hate this.. my parents dont seem to undst my view.. will write more abt this later.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Merlyn Posted October 24, 2009 Share Posted October 24, 2009 sunnyji, im exactly in the same situation as u r in... and i hate this.. my parents dont seem to undst my view.. will write more abt this later.. zubin........i undrstnd how u feel..........it is frustrating........ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malcolm Merlyn Posted October 24, 2009 Share Posted October 24, 2009 You can run' date=' but you can not hide. One day they will catch you leave you in charge of a wife.[/quote'] have they manage to catch u yet:nervous: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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