adi B Posted September 23, 2014 Posted September 23, 2014 I had to rush my pakistani neighbour to hospital after a bee landed on his face. He's not allergic or anything. I just happened to be beside him, armed with a spade. :haha: :hysterical::hysterical:
adi B Posted September 23, 2014 Posted September 23, 2014 So there was this professional assassin who charged $1000 a bullet. A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $1000 a bullet?" "Yup." "What if you miss?" He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..." "Okay, we'll I've got $2000 here. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now." "Let's go," the assassin says. So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope. "They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off." The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot. "Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks. "Hold on two more minutes. I think I can save you $1000." holy!!:hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical:
adi B Posted September 23, 2014 Posted September 23, 2014 My wife told me lastnight that she has been having an affair with my mate Abdul.. So I beat the sh*t out of her,That's the last time that bit*h will accuse me of having a mate called Abdul! :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical: :haha:
punjabiplaya Posted September 23, 2014 Author Posted September 23, 2014 A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital. The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery. He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure. The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby, thus reducing her own. The man quickly agreed. The doctor warned him, though, that there was a slight bug in the machine that caused it to amplify the pain sent to the father by ten times, and if the pain became too much for to bear would he please let the doctor know. The doctor turned on the machine and watched the man. The man said he felt absolutely fine and he could take more. The doctor turned the dial up to 40, 60, 80, and finally 100% of the pain, times ten. The woman delivered the baby painlessly and the doctor stared at the man, astonished at how he could not even flinch with that much pain brought upon him. The couple took the new baby home. There, on the front step, the mailman lay dead. :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical:
punjabiplaya Posted September 23, 2014 Author Posted September 23, 2014 A man and his wife got into bed for the night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling her pussy. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book. The wife got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, "What the hell are doing, taking all your jammies off?" The wife replied, "You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier". The husband said, "Hell no! I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages. :cantstop:
punjabiplaya Posted September 23, 2014 Author Posted September 23, 2014 A man and his wife decide to play golf but neither is very good so they sign up for lessons. The man goes to his lesson first. The instructor says, "Show me your swing so I can evaluate you." The man swings and the instructor says, "That was good but you're holding the club too tight. Try holding it gently like you would hold your wife's breasts." The man does so and he hits the ball 250 yards! Later, the wife goes for her lesson. Again the instructor tells her to show him her swing so that he can evaluate her. She does and he says, "You're also holding the club too tight. Hold like you would hold your husband's dick." She does so and takes her swing. Then the golf instructor says, "Try it again but this time take the club out of your mouth." :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical:
velu Posted September 23, 2014 Posted September 23, 2014 A man and his wife decide to play golf but neither is very good so they sign up for lessons. The man goes to his lesson first. The instructor says, "Show me your swing so I can evaluate you." The man swings and the instructor says, "That was good but you're holding the club too tight. Try holding it gently like you would hold your wife's breasts." The man does so and he hits the ball 250 yards! Later, the wife goes for her lesson. Again the instructor tells her to show him her swing so that he can evaluate her. She does and he says, "You're also holding the club too tight. Hold like you would hold your husband's dick." She does so and takes her swing. Then the golf instructor says, "Try it again but this time take the club out of your mouth." :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical: :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical:
moniker Posted September 24, 2014 Posted September 24, 2014 A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital. The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery. He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure. The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby, thus reducing her own. The man quickly agreed. The doctor warned him, though, that there was a slight bug in the machine that caused it to amplify the pain sent to the father by ten times, and if the pain became too much for to bear would he please let the doctor know. The doctor turned on the machine and watched the man. The man said he felt absolutely fine and he could take more. The doctor turned the dial up to 40, 60, 80, and finally 100% of the pain, times ten. The woman delivered the baby painlessly and the doctor stared at the man, astonished at how he could not even flinch with that much pain brought upon him. The couple took the new baby home. There, on the front step, the mailman lay dead. :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical:
gaurav92 Posted September 24, 2014 Posted September 24, 2014 :facepalm: Mail man was the real father and he kept feeling the pain as the Doc increased the pain
BlueBee Posted September 24, 2014 Posted September 24, 2014 Two Radical Pakistanis boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat... Just before takeoff, a Sardarji sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, Sardarji kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Paki in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.' ' Don't get up,' said the Sardarji , 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.' As soon as he left, one of the Paki picked up the Sardarji ‘s shoe and spit in it. When the Sardarji returned with the coke, the other Paki said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Sardarji obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Paki picked up the Sardarji ‘s other shoe and spit in it. When the Sardarji returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Sardarji slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Paki neighbors . . . 'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this go on . . . ? This fighting between our nations . . . ? This hatred . . . ? This animosity . . . ? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes . . . ? :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical: :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical:
kumar713 Posted September 24, 2014 Posted September 24, 2014 A man and his wife got into bed for the night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling her pussy. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book. The wife got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, "What the hell are doing, taking all your jammies off?" The wife replied, "You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier". The husband said, "Hell no! I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages. :cantstop: :haha:
vayuu1 Posted September 24, 2014 Posted September 24, 2014 A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital. The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery. He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure. The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby, thus reducing her own. The man quickly agreed. The doctor warned him, though, that there was a slight bug in the machine that caused it to amplify the pain sent to the father by ten times, and if the pain became too much for to bear would he please let the doctor know. The doctor turned on the machine and watched the man. The man said he felt absolutely fine and he could take more. The doctor turned the dial up to 40, 60, 80, and finally 100% of the pain, times ten. The woman delivered the baby painlessly and the doctor stared at the man, astonished at how he could not even flinch with that much pain brought upon him. The couple took the new baby home. There, on the front step, the mailman lay dead. :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical: Kitna Purana joke tha
punjabiplaya Posted September 24, 2014 Author Posted September 24, 2014 Pulled the new hot secretary at work got her naked and writhing.... "You won't need that love," I told her as she reached into her bag for the condom. "You've had the snip then?" She asked. "Nope. I've just come in my pants." :haha:
punjabiplaya Posted September 24, 2014 Author Posted September 24, 2014 “A blonde decides to get a porno movie, so she goes to the store and picks one with a fairly dirty title. When she puts the DVD in and presses 'PLAY,' the screen is fuzzy and nothing is going on. Frustrated, she calls the store about the movie. They ask her what the title is, and she replies, "Head Cleaner".” :haha:
punjabiplaya Posted September 24, 2014 Author Posted September 24, 2014 A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments. He hears a priest come in. “Father, forgive me for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.” The priest replies, “Get out, you idiot. You’re on my side!” :hysterical:
BlueBee Posted September 25, 2014 Posted September 25, 2014 A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments. He hears a priest come in. “Father, forgive me for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.†The priest replies, “Get out, you idiot. You’re on my side!†:hysterical: :cantstop:
punjabiplaya Posted September 25, 2014 Author Posted September 25, 2014 Abduls new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as they were on there way to see there parents, so he called them up and said, "Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture." "Oh Abdul!" she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time." :--D:--D:--D
punjabiplaya Posted September 25, 2014 Author Posted September 25, 2014 Just got a rolex for my birthday from my two lesbians friends. Guess they misunderstood me when i told them "I wanna watch" :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical:
punjabiplaya Posted September 25, 2014 Author Posted September 25, 2014 A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I've got a special game for you. I'll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint-my-house." :cantstop:
punjabiplaya Posted September 27, 2014 Author Posted September 27, 2014 A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and he opened his briefcase. "Oh, my god!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!" :haha:
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