beetle Posted May 9, 2010 Posted May 9, 2010 ADVICE for the guys 5 words women use: 1. FINE This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up 2. FIVE MINUTES If shes getting dressed this means half an hour 3. NOTHING This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with NOTHING usually end in FINE! 4. GO AHEAD This is a dare, not permission. Dont do it! 5. LOUD SIGH This means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistakes :roti::--D
punjabiplaya Posted May 9, 2010 Author Posted May 9, 2010 little Johnny ask daddy, whats between moms legs? "Paradise son. what's between ur legs daddy? little Johnny ask, the key to Paradise son. Johnny responds, daddy u better change the lock cause the neighbor has a copy!
Laaloo Posted May 9, 2010 Posted May 9, 2010 Abdul felt a right tw*t after voting BNP when he found out it doesn't stand for Britian Needs Pakis.. :hysterical: :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical:
punjabiplaya Posted May 10, 2010 Author Posted May 10, 2010 Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate. A lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf. Paddy said 'I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery'. 'What's that Paddy?' 'Send me lawn away to be cut!'
punjabiplaya Posted May 11, 2010 Author Posted May 11, 2010 *How to make love!* Ingredients... 4 laughin eyes, 4 well shaped legs, 4 lovin arms, 2 firm milk containers, 2 nuts, 1 mixin bowl, 1 firm banana... Method... 1. Look into laughin eyes 2. Spread well shaped legs with lovin arms 3. Squeeze & massage milk containers very gently 4. Gently add firm banana to mixin bowl workin in an out until well creamed 5. As heat rises plunge banana deep into mixin bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak, preferably not over nite 6. The cake is done when banana is soft, if banana doesn't soften repeat steps 3-5 or change mixin bowls! Note... If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen.. 1. Wash utensils carefully before and after use! 2. Do not lick mixin bowl! 3. If cake rises, leave town...
Sachinism Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 I was supposed to go on a date last night, and the girl I was meeting called me this morning, very upset that I didn't show up. I said, "Sorry about that, I suffer from premature ejaculation." "Well that's very unfortunate," she replied, "but if you were embarrased about something you could have turned up and explained it to me." "I wasn't embarrased about it," I explained, "I came in my pants on the way to the restaurant, and suddenly didn't see the point in paying for your dinner." ---- I've joined a gym recently and my girlfriend has expressed concern that I will "run off with one of those sexy, fit women." In an effort to put her mind at rest, I said, "Darling! There's nothing to worry about. If I was capable of pulling sexy women, do you really think I'd be with you?" ----- I was working at my local polling station last week and had to turn a lot of people away... Stupid women thinking they're allowed to vote.
mywork08 Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 Worst spell In school, the sports master and English teacher asked one of his brighter pupils to spell "bowling". Back came the answer : "B-o-e-l-i-n." "That," said he, "is the worst spell of bowling I've ever seen."
punjabiplaya Posted May 13, 2010 Author Posted May 13, 2010 Alright mate, do you know anyone who wants a 60inch plasma screen tv for 50 quid, the volume button doesnt work but for that price u cant turn it down
punjabiplaya Posted May 13, 2010 Author Posted May 13, 2010 Undertaker says to bereaved husband "When did you 1st notice your wife was dead?" . . . . "Well" he replies, "The sex was the same but the dishes were starting to pile up!"
punjabiplaya Posted May 13, 2010 Author Posted May 13, 2010 This maths sequence can predict your all time favorite film... Mine was JAWS.I'm not sure how it works, but it does! Try it without looking at the answers. It works! Remember DON'T PEEK!!! Pick a number from 1 - 9. Multiply by 3. Add 3 to that number. Multiply by 3 again. Add the two digits together 3. Oliver 4. Star Wars 5. Forrest Gump 6. Saving Private Ryan 7. Jaws 8. Grease 9. The Joy of Anal Sex with Male Goats & Leather-Clad Gay Boys 10. Mary Poppins
DomainK Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 Undertaker says to bereaved husband "When did you 1st notice your wife was dead?" . . . . "Well" he replies, "The sex was the same but the dishes were starting to pile up!" :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical:
punjabiplaya Posted May 15, 2010 Author Posted May 15, 2010 Found a DVD the other day entitled 'Bald and barely legal'. Chuffed to bits I rushed home put the disc in and sat there with my c*ck in my hand ready to bash one out.... Turns out it was a ministry of transport vid on Tyre Tread Depths.
Jadoo Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 Found a DVD the other day entitled 'Bald and barely legal'. Chuffed to bits I rushed home put the disc in and sat there with my c*ck in my hand ready to bash one out.... Turns out it was a ministry of transport vid on Tyre Tread Depths. :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical:
punjabiplaya Posted May 17, 2010 Author Posted May 17, 2010 THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Specificity 2. Anti- constitutionalistically 3. Passive-aggressive disorder 4. Transubstantiate THINGS THAT ARE DOWN RIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. No thanks, I'm married. 2. Nope, no more booze for me! 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type. 4. No i don't want to see your f*nny. 5. No my c*cks fine as it is i dont want you to suck it. 6. No please dont sit on my face i've got asthma.
mywork08 Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Three very tough mice Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness. The first says, "I'm so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!" The second says, "Well I'm so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!" Then the third rat gets up and says, "Later guys, I'm off home to harass the cat."
Laaloo Posted May 18, 2010 Posted May 18, 2010 Apparently Hitler initially wanted to wipe out the paki men not the jews. He gave up once he realised how difficult it would be to get them in the showers! :hysterical::hysterical:
mywork08 Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 The story of a very short man A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket. The bartender asks "He can drink?" "Oh, sure. He can drink." So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up. "That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?" The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man. The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?" The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers!"
Jadoo Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 Apparently Hitler initially wanted to wipe out the paki men not the jews. He gave up once he realised how difficult it would be to get them in the showers! That's just brutal man, lmao. :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical:
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