Gunner_Mania Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 Feckin hell, that serial killer was good. Findin 3 white girls in bradford can't have been easy :hysterical: lal.
punjabiplaya Posted June 1, 2010 Author Posted June 1, 2010 The uk government is worried that mens willy's are getting smaller. To find out how great the problem is they have asked all men with penis's smaller than three inches to fly a white flag with a red cross on their car or house!!
punjabiplaya Posted June 1, 2010 Author Posted June 1, 2010 FOR THE LADIES Doctor approaches new mother. "Your baby is a hermaphrodite." "What's that?" "It means your baby has both male and female parts." "Oh my God!" the woman exclaimed. "You mean he has a penis AND a brain?!"
mywork08 Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 Irishman on a Desert Island One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years," replies the Irishman. With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!" "And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?" she asks him. Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years." She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!" At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?" With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too."
Lord Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 Irishman on a Desert Island One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years," replies the Irishman. With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!" "And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?" she asks him. Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years." She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!" At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?" With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too." :hysterical:
gaurav92 Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 Irishman on a Desert Island One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years," replies the Irishman. With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!" "And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?" she asks him. Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years." She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!" At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?" With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too." Your first decent joke here. :two_thumbs_up:
punjabiplaya Posted June 3, 2010 Author Posted June 3, 2010 Fecking murder trying to get a taxi in Whitehaven this morning. Tried flagging one down but the ***** shot straight past me.
Gunner_Mania Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 Fecking murder trying to get a taxi in Whitehaven this morning. Tried flagging one down but the ***** shot straight past me. You keep right on top of the news don't you:P
punjabiplaya Posted June 4, 2010 Author Posted June 4, 2010 Emile heskey has been dropped from the england squad and replaced by a taxi driver from cumbria, apparently he got more shots on target in one day than heskeys had all season! this ones for gunner_mania and the uk boys :winky:
punjabiplaya Posted June 4, 2010 Author Posted June 4, 2010 A fat paki woman goes to her doctor and asks 'what's the easiest exercise I can do to help me lose weight?' He replies, 'shake your head from side to side'. She asks, 'how often should I do this?' Doctor says 'everytime you're offered food u fat kooti! :haha:
punjabiplaya Posted June 5, 2010 Author Posted June 5, 2010 A farmer had a small pond on his farm beside an orchard. One day he took a large bucket and went to the orchard to pick fruit. As he approached the pond, he heard women shouting and laughing. Then he saw a crowd of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. When the women saw him, they all went to the deep end. One of them called to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!' The man replied, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies skinny- dipping or to make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he shouted, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile.' Some men certainly think fast….
Sachinism Posted June 5, 2010 Posted June 5, 2010 Well, that's the last time I get in a Cumbrian taxi and 'call shotgun'.
punjabiplaya Posted June 6, 2010 Author Posted June 6, 2010 Why don't black people go on cruises?They're not falling for that one again.
punjabiplaya Posted June 6, 2010 Author Posted June 6, 2010 I just had an argument with a girl I know. She was saying how that it's unfair that if a guy fecks a different girl every week, he's a legend, but if a girl fecks just two guys in a year, she's a sl*t.So in response I told her that if a key opens lots of locks, then it's a master key. But if a lock is opened by lots of keys, then it's a sh*tty lock.That shut her up.
Laaloo Posted June 6, 2010 Posted June 6, 2010 A farmer had a small pond on his farm beside an orchard. One day he took a large bucket and went to the orchard to pick fruit. As he approached the pond, he heard women shouting and laughing. Then he saw a crowd of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. When the women saw him, they all went to the deep end. One of them called to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!' The man replied, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies skinny- dipping or to make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he shouted, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile.' Some men certainly think fast…. A fat paki woman goes to her doctor and asks 'what's the easiest exercise I can do to help me lose weight?' He replies, 'shake your head from side to side'. She asks, 'how often should I do this?' Doctor says 'everytime you're offered food u fat kooti! :haha: Why don't black people go on cruises?They're not falling for that one again. :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical:
gaurav92 Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 A fat paki woman goes to her doctor and asks 'what's the easiest exercise I can do to help me lose weight?' He replies, 'shake your head from side to side'. She asks, 'how often should I do this?' Doctor says 'everytime you're offered food u fat kooti! :haha: A farmer had a small pond on his farm beside an orchard. One day he took a large bucket and went to the orchard to pick fruit. As he approached the pond, he heard women shouting and laughing. Then he saw a crowd of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. When the women saw him, they all went to the deep end. One of them called to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!' The man replied, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies skinny- dipping or to make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he shouted, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile.' Some men certainly think fast…. I just had an argument with a girl I know. She was saying how that it's unfair that if a guy fecks a different girl every week' date=' he's a legend, but if a girl fecks just two guys in a year, she's a sl*t.So in response I told her that if a key opens lots of locks, then it's a master key. But if a lock is opened by lots of keys, then it's a sh*tty lock.That shut her up.[/quote'] :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical: Great ones Playa :nice:
kooljatt Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and Jill (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, Fosters, and notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get to know each other quite well. At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for sex. Jill is traveling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees. The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree. This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that may be she should pay him more attention and may be she can then shake some more cash out of him again. So she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her Melbourne. "So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?" "Glen Iris" he replies. "That's amazing..." she says, "...so am I - what Street?" "Cameo Street" he replies. "This is unbelievable..." she says, "... what number?" He says, "Number 20" and she is totally astonished. "You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22 and my parents still live there!" "I know..." he says, "...your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you"
kooljatt Posted June 9, 2010 Posted June 9, 2010 A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem." She says, "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they are? He says, "Well, pussy and *****." She says, "Oh that's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and ***** is a female dog like our Sandy." He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning." Dad says, "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she can't handle them. What are the words?" He tells him, "Pussy and *****." Dad says, "OK," and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "Son, everything inside this circle is pussy." "OK, dad, so what's a *****?" "Son," he says, "everything outside that circle.
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