Sachinism Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 Just failed my hazard perception test. Apparently female drivers aren't hazards :dontknow:
Sachinism Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 My wife was browsing the Harrod's website the other day. I said to her, "What you looking at that for, its not like we can afford anything from there" She responded, "when I'm online I like to pretend I'm rich" I can understand that. When I'm online, I like to pretend I'm a 12 year old boy
gaurav92 Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 I woke up this morning at 8 and I could just sense something was wrong. Got downstairs and the wife was face down on the Kitchen floor, not breathing, I panicked, didn't know what to do. ....then I remembered McDonalds serve breakfast until 10:30 :giggle:
Laaloo Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 :headshake: Someone needs to stop deleting paki jokes :orderorder:
Guest Gunner Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 My wife was browsing the Harrod's website the other day. I said to her, "What you looking at that for, its not like we can afford anything from there" She responded, "when I'm online I like to pretend I'm rich" I can understand that. When I'm online, I like to pretend I'm a 12 year old boy :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical:
Dark Warrior Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 Santa Ki Condoms Banane Ki Factory Thhi Ek Baar USA Se Order Aaya Ki 14 Inch Ke Condoms Bana Do. Santa Ne Socha: “Itne Bade Size Ke Condom Banva Ke America Wale Hamari Beizzti Karna Chahte Hai” Usne Apne Workers Ko Kaha: “Tum Condoms Ka Order Ready Karo, Aur Packing Wale Dibbe Pe Likh Dena, Medium Size“
punjabiplaya Posted September 30, 2010 Author Posted September 30, 2010 Man walking along pier sees an old man with his trousers rolled up, legs dangling in the water & an imaginary fishing rod. Puzzled, he asks; "What are you up to ?" "fishing for cu**s!" Replied the man! "fishing for cu**s? That sounds good, can l try?" "Yeah, pull up a pew son" He sits down, casts his imaginary rod & says; "So, how many c**s have you caught so far?" The Old guy says; "Your the 3rd one this morning!!"
punjabiplaya Posted October 2, 2010 Author Posted October 2, 2010 Chinese guy goes 4 job interview at factory. owner offers him the job. "OK Mr Ching, ur in charge of supplies" few hours later boss is wandering around looking for mr ching. Nobody had seen him anywhere. He's just about 2 give up when mr ching jumps out of a cupboard behind him and yells: "SUPPLIES!!!"
punjabiplaya Posted October 2, 2010 Author Posted October 2, 2010 Tesco installed a medical machine that for £5 and a urine sample, would diagnose any condition. When Jim went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "U hav tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, Jim wondered if he could fool the machine. He mixed tapwater with dog sh*t, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then w*nked into the mixture. When he tipped it into the machine the next day, the printout read: 1. Ur tapwater is too hard. Use softener. 2.Ur dog has ringworm. Giv it antibiotics. 3.Ur daughter is on cocaine. Get her to rehab. 4.Ur wife is Xpecting twins. Not urs. Get a lawyer. 5.If u keep w*nking, ur elbow wont get better! Thank u for shopping at Tesco.
punjabiplaya Posted October 2, 2010 Author Posted October 2, 2010 terrorists have been on the rampage in Bradford killing anyone who is English. Police fear the death toll could be as high as 5!
beetle Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 Chinese guy goes 4 job interview at factory. owner offers him the job. "OK Mr Ching, ur in charge of supplies" few hours later boss is wandering around looking for mr ching. Nobody had seen him anywhere. He's just about 2 give up when mr ching jumps out of a cupboard behind him and yells: "SUPPLIES!!!" :hysterical::hysterical:cute!
punjabiplaya Posted October 4, 2010 Author Posted October 4, 2010 My wife said: 'i need £10,000 to have a gastric band fitted' i told her, 'heres £5- buy a lock for the feckin fridge!
punjabiplaya Posted October 4, 2010 Author Posted October 4, 2010 3 Irishmen in a bar. Paddy says"My locals better than this, you buy 2 drinks and the 3rds free" Mick says, "Well in my local you buy 1 drink you get the 2nd free" Murphy says, "Thats nothin. In my local you buy the 1st drink, then the 2nd, 3rd, 4th,5th,6th & 7th are free. Then you go out the back and get sh*gged senseless." "WOW," says the other two, "Has that actually happened to you?" "No," says Murphy, "But it happened to my sister. . .
yoda Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 My wife said: 'i need £10' date='000 to have a gastric band fitted' i told her, 'heres £5- buy a lock for the feckin fridge![/quote'] :hysterical:
punjabiplaya Posted October 5, 2010 Author Posted October 5, 2010 Little Tommy is having a bath with granny. He said "Whats that? Granny said "Its my hedgehog". Next day Tommy's in the bath with his mum and says "I can see your hedgehog" mum says "Who calls it that?" Tommy says "Granny, but i think hers is dead cos its grey and its tongue is hangin out!"
Sachinism Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 If vegeterians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food? ------ An African athelete has been banned from the CWGs in India after testing positive for a performance enhancing substance Food ----- On the news earlier I was watching all these scousers marching in protest to the Liverpool FC buy ouy I thought, "**** me how did all these people manage to get a day off work at such short notice to...?" "Oh." ----- I was dating this girl and I noticed a lump in her throat I started crapping myself because I thought she had cancer Thankfully, it was just an Adam's apple
Andy Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 Dhoni is best captain indian ever had u belive it or not Lets see his achivements in compre to ganguly Dhoni achivements a captain 1 No 1 in test cricket(first time) 2 No 1 in odi cricket(first time) 3 T20 world cup 4 IPL CHAMPIONS 5 CHAMPIONS LEAGUE CHAMPIONS 6 CB SERIES IN AUS 7 Choosen as icc test captain of year 8 Asia cup winner Gangully achivements 1 Natwest trophy(not as big as cb series) 2 WC RUNNER CUP 3 CHAMPIONS TROPHY 4 ??????????????
punjabiplaya Posted October 7, 2010 Author Posted October 7, 2010 Bloke come in the pub last saturday in a black top. Black shorts and a whistle in his mouth....... I thought to myself........ He's gonna kick off in a minute.
punjabiplaya Posted October 8, 2010 Author Posted October 8, 2010 Policeman stops drunk driver and asks him to take breath test. Driver pulls out NHS card - "this man is asthmatic please do not take his breath" Policeman asks him to take blood test. Driver pulls out second NHS card - "this man is anaemic please do not take his blood" Policeman asks him to take urine test. Driver pulls out third NHS card - "this man is a Liverpool season ticket holder please do not take the p*ss" ------------------
punjabiplaya Posted October 8, 2010 Author Posted October 8, 2010 3 bodys turn up at mortuary all with smiles on their faces. Cop asks coroner, 'Why R they all smiling?' Coroner says '1st guy died of heart attack sh*ggin his lover, hence his smile. 2nd guy won lottery, spent it on whisky & died of alcohol poisoning, hence his smile. 3rd guy - Paddy from Dublin, struck by lightening!' Cop asks 'Why the feck was he smiling?' Coroner replies, 'Thought he was havin his photo taken.
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