Things I detest - social treatment of widows in my community

[Brainfade]

Today, I got a forwarded nonsensical message on Whatsapp that set me on this rant. Something about a scientific reason for having a kumkum bindi on a woman's forehead. Supposedly, there is an energy center on the forehead and the bindi protects it. Scientifically, it is wrong on so many levels, that a discussion about it is a non-starter. But that is not the source of my rant. Rather, it got me thinking about how widows don't wear bindi - at least not the kumkum kind - in our families. So, once the husband dies, does she not have any more energy left to protect? While we have come a long way from the days of Sati and such, it is appalling to see how easily we accept the shunning of widows in our culture. Even in so-called educated families, it is the norm to keep widows aside. It always shows up in subtle ways, and at festivals. Where the married/never-married women are celebrated. They get to adorn themselves, place haldi-kumkum on their foreheads etc. There are even festivals whose sole aim is to celebrate the married woman - like Varalakshmi puja and in Tamilnadu - "pondugalukku idal," where the widows in the family can cook, clean etc., but cannot take part in the festivities. Highly infuriating!! Now it's Navaratri. We are getting invitations from desi families for my wife to go and visit and take part in these rituals. Why not my mother-in-law? If I am off-ed tomorrow, does my wife get de-invited just because I don't exist? I grew up with it, did not question it until I was a teenager, was told to shut up when I did, and it was one of the driving forces that pushed me into atheism. What's the point in these people becoming doctors, engineers, professors, lawyers, CPAs etc if they cannot see how humiliating and sad this is for the elders of the house? End of rant.

[beetle]

WE are a sick society at many levels.Any bullshit to justify atrocities on women,lower castes or the poor can be justified by some so called scientific mambo jumbo. In large parts of the country...women are treated like filthy dogs on the days that they have their monthly periods.The untouchable half of the population.The country that worships Goddesses and motherhood....humiliates and insults women for having the ability to reproduce.Unfortunately ...most of these ridiculous obnoxious dark age traditions are enforced with the active participation of the older women in the family.

[veer]

Ahhh don't get me started on this topic.. We are backward but the thing is that we are the ones that gotta take a stand to make these changes. Old folks are somehow stuck with these old rituals and blind faith...

[Ram]

We do come up with the most ingenious ways to segregate women in India, dont we?

[Lord]

We do come up with the most ingenious ways to segregate women in India' date=' dont we?[/quote'] The mind boggling thing is most women are okay or even encourage these things

[PBN]

The mind boggling thing is most women are okay or even encourage these things

"This human behavior of not challenging assumptions reminds me of an experiment psychologists performed years ago. They started with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, they hung a banana on a string with a set of stairs placed under it. Before long, a monkey went to the stairs and started to climb towards the banana. As soon as he started up the stairs, the psychologists sprayed all of the other monkeys with ice cold water. After a while, another monkey made an attempt to obtain the banana. As soon as his foot touched the stairs, all of the other monkeys were sprayed with ice cold water. It's wasn't long before all of the other monkeys would physically prevent any monkey from climbing the stairs. Now, the psychologists shut off the cold water, removed one monkey from the cage and replaced it with a new one. The new monkey saw the banana and started to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attacked him. After another attempt and attack, he discovered that if he tried to climb the stairs, he would be assaulted. Next they removed another of the original five monkeys and replaced it with a new one. The newcomer went to the stairs and was attacked. The previous newcomer took part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, they replaced a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey tried to climb the stairs, he was attacked. The monkeys had no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they were beating any monkey that tried. After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys had ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approached the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been around here." MM then concludes: "People sometimes do the same in the workplace. How many times have you heard "It has always been done this way. Don't mess with what works." Instead of challenging these assumptions, many of us, like the monkeys, simply keep reproducing what has been done before. It's the easiest thing to do."

[hhunaeh]

How do such practices come into existence in the first place? Why would anyone think of such a thing? Is it of benefit to anyone? I think we should answer such questions in order to eliminate it.

[beetle]

How do such practices come into existence in the first place? Why would anyone think of such a thing? Is it of benefit to anyone? I think we should answer such questions in order to eliminate it.

It gives some people the power to control other people.It works for the convenience of others. If people have no self worth and self esteem...they accept the control without protest.

[Brainfade]

We do come up with the most ingenious ways to segregate women in India' date=' dont we?[/quote'] And then we talk about how much we respect Maa-Behen. As long it is my mother when my father is still alive and my sister who married the guy from the same caste with my approval, I respect them 100%. After my father dies, I won't allow my mother to participate in festivities. If my sister's defies me or if her husband dies, I will not allow her either. So much for Maa-Behen.

[Brainfade]

It gives some people the power to control other people.It works for the convenience of others. If people have no self worth and self esteem...they accept the control without protest.

Or the victims themselves believe that God will punish them/their children if they "disobey." They are themselves so superstitious and ritualistic that they don't even notice that they are being controlled. I have incurred the wrath of my mother and mother-in-law when I mentioned that there is nothing wrong if they participated in these festivities.

[G_B_]

generally agree with the sentiments of the people in this thread. Education is the only solution.

[Ram]

And then we talk about how much we respect Maa-Behen. As long it is my mother when my father is still alive and my sister who married the guy from the same caste with my approval, I respect them 100%. After my father dies, I won't allow my mother to participate in festivities. If my sister's defies me or if her husband dies, I will not allow her either. So much for Maa-Behen.

To be fair to Indian culture(sadly), we do tons of other mindless things that affect peoples of both genders equally - Like when my mom insisted that i absolutely not touch anyone or anything in the house until i took a head bath, if i came back home from an haircut. But a disproportionate amount of these customs/practices seem to be targeting women, unfortunately.

[beetle]

Or the victims themselves believe that God will punish them/their children if they "disobey." They are themselves so superstitious and ritualistic that they don't even notice that they are being controlled. I have incurred the wrath of my mother and mother-in-law when I mentioned that there is nothing wrong if they participated in these festivities.

In such cases we can make sure they don't pass it on to the next generations.You can stand by your wife and daughter and tell mother and mil to keep their beliefs to themselves. We are still a male dominated society. It is always easier for the effected women if the stand is taken or supported by the son/son in law. Just saying that you will not have your wife be treated differently because she is having her monthly period ....or saying if your wife is stopped from praying during those days...you will not do it either will help a lot. Very often...just a short stare does the trick.Women have to fight an ugly battle for these basic rights.