BREAKING NEWS: Pakistan to launch diplomatic offensive on Lanka

[Bumper]

PCB all set to mount diplomatic offensive on Lanka Alarmed by Srilanka's tour pull out and armed with sufficient material to nail Lanka, the Pathological Cricket Board (PCB) will mount a diplomatic offensive from Monday by convening a two-day closed door meeting in Islamabad with the heads of all foreign countries' missions in the national capital as part of strategy to get Lanka declared as a 'Rogue Cricketing State'. We have learnt from reliable sources that the foreign countries to collaborate with Pakistan would be Iran, Iraq & Afghanistan. Srilankan Sports Minister Gamini Lokuge commented a few days ago that "Srilanka is a responsible country. We are very much a victim of terrorism and security issues ourselves and we will do our best to help Pakistan in this issue". But reports have emerged that recently the Lankan minister has changed his tune markedly. In an interview on CNN IBN, the Lankan minister was heard saying "While we sympathize with what is going on in Pakistan, we cannot be held responsible for the deeds and words of non-state actors. Arjuna Ranatunga is no longer in Srilanka. We cannot be held responsible for what he committed to Pakistan". This came as a shock to many Pakistani cricket lovers. "After a hard day at weapons and grenade training in the heat of Waziristan, Inshallah, cricket was our only entertainment. Refusing to play cricket in Pakistan is haraam. Now we need to revert to playing grenade danda (a popular local game in which kids throw grenades at each other) for fun", says Muhammad Zarkawi, who recently left his home and joined the Harkat-Ul-Ansari movement. Reports suggest that the Jamaat-Ul-Dawa volunteers were recently seen buying buckets of paint & is likely that they have repainted their boards and running under this new name. Meanwhile, Lankan officials seem unflustered by this diplomatic offensive from Pakistan. "We heard that Pakistan has filed a case against us in their local courts. This is a blatant lie on multiple counts. Our understanding is that laws are never enforced in Pakistan and there are no courts there. Recently they even sacked their chief justice. How can we believe this report ? Even if we concede that there are courts in Pakistan, where is the proof to prosecute us ? You cannot claim that someone from Srilanka gave you a go ahead on the tour. That proof wont stand in the court of law. There is no such person called Ranatunga in Lanka, he does not live here". PCB blamed Lanka's unstable cricketing body for the mess. "Lanka is a split country. Their power dynamics is complex. Their cricketing board is just a token body. The real power is with their govt. Therefore there is no point in blaming their cricket board. We will take this to the Internatinal Cricketing Council. We have proof beyond doubt that Ranatunga is from Srilanka". In the mean time reports have emerged that Pakistan may go to war with Srilanka. That would be the first war of its kind, if it happens. Pakistani officials are trying to tackle this problem using diplomatic means. Mansoor Akhtar, a Professor at Lahore University has suggested an innovative idea. "Let us implement an mutual exchange program, as its done in academic circles. Pakistan will send suicide bombers from local jihadi movements in exchange for LTTE suicide bombers. We can achieve enough mutual destruction without the hassles of a war". While this is a stretch, Pakistani govt is not rulling any option out. "At this point all options are open", says Pakistani foreign minister Quereshi. Nevertheless, the events in the ensuing days hold the key for the stability of the region. Watch this space for more. :--D

[graphic23]

Brilliant. :hysterical: Awesome stuff starting from the PCB to the "finding ranatunga" section.

[kumble_rocks]

:hysterical: :hysterical: You da man! Question to you , how much time does it normally take for you to come up with something like this ?

[Bumper]

:hysterical: :hysterical: You da man! Question to you , how much time does it normally take for you to come up with something like this ?

I read about Lanka pulling out of Pak this morning, saw an opportunity to take the mickey out, given the events that transpired recently. Hope i havent overdone it. Never get tired of some good ol bashing :--D

[h4te]

:hysterical::hysterical::hysterical:

[Dhondy]

:hysterical::hysterical::hysterical: Those who haven't read Bumps won't realise how much thought he puts into these. Every line is a masterpiece in satire, from "there is no Ranatunga in Pakistan" (echoes of Dawood), to folks playing grenade danda (wish it weren't so creepily close to the truth), to the supremely ironic exchange programme for terrorists. Masterful, Bumps. You are one of the reasons I keep coming back to ICF.

[vadodaravictor]

:haha:

[Laaloo]

:hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical: Awesome Work! Although you could have added the part that many paki inbreds believe that The BCCI was behind this

[Rajan]

:hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical: Awesome Work! Although you could have added the part that many paki inbreds believe that The BCCI was behind this

yes, BCCI is so powerful that it is alleged to control the sports minister of Sri Lanka.:--D Point is BCCI is not able to influence indian sports minister MS Gill who went to town with his famous comment" one team come and kills our people, how can we send our players to play their cricket team?' well written Bumper. they are so confused that they literally assume india is the reason for any thing that happens/does not happen in Pakistan cricket.

[Laaloo]

^^ I read your post on Padosis :D LOL

[Bumper]

Thanks everyone for your plaudits. As some of you are wondering about the parallels, here is what I had in mind. I am sure all of you followed the recent Ind-Pak tensions, where one country felt betrayed by the other. The overall parallel is PCB & Lankan board fighting a similar battle.

Alarmed by Srilanka's tour pull out and armed with sufficient material to nail Lanka, the Pathological Cricket Board (PCB) will mount a diplomatic offensive from Monday by convening a two-day closed door meeting in Islamabad with the heads of all foreign countries' missions in the national capital as part of strategy to get Lanka declared as a 'Rogue Cricketing State'. We have learnt from reliable sources that the foreign countries to collaborate with Pakistan would be Iran, Iraq & Afghanistan.

This is similar to the diplomatic offensive India recently set out to launch against Pakistan.

Srilankan Sports Minister Gamini Lokuge commented a few days ago that "Srilanka is a responsible country. We are very much a victim of terrorism and security issues ourselves and we will do our best to help Pakistan in this issue". But reports have emerged that recently the Lankan minister has changed his tune markedly. In an interview on CNN IBN, the Lankan minister was heard saying "While we sympathize with what is going on in Pakistan, we cannot be held responsible for the deeds and words of non-state actors. Arjuna Ranatunga is no longer in Srilanka. We cannot be held responsible for what he committed to Pakistan".

This is the equivalent of Zardari claiming on CNN IBN first that he will do his best to fight terrorism (as he was a victim himself) and then flip flopping on Larry King Live about how he cannot be responsible for the work of non-state actors

This came as a shock to many Pakistani cricket lovers. "After a hard day at weapons and grenade training in the heat of Waziristan, Inshallah, cricket was our only entertainment. Refusing to play cricket in Pakistan is haraam. Now we need to revert to playing grenade danda (a popular local game in which kids throw grenades at each other) for fun", says Muhammad Zarkawi, who recently left his home and joined the Harkat-Ul-Ansari movement. Reports suggest that the Jamaat-Ul-Dawa volunteers were recently seen buying buckets of paint & is likely that they have repainted their boards and running under this new name.

Parallels to many incidents (Indian citizens reacting with shock, state of lawlessness in Pakistan, superficial ban on LeT leading to JuD's birth etc)

Meanwhile, Lankan officials seem unflustered by this diplomatic offensive from Pakistan. "We heard that Pakistan has filed a case against us in their local courts. This is a blatant lie on multiple counts. Our understanding is that laws are never enforced in Pakistan and there are no courts there. Recently they even sacked their chief justice. How can we believe this report ? Even if we concede that there are courts in Pakistan, where is the proof to prosecute us ? You cannot claim that someone from Srilanka gave you a go ahead on the tour. That proof wont stand in the court of law. There is no such person called Ranatunga in Lanka, he does not live here".

The equivalent of Pakistan asking for proof that Kasab is from Pakistan. Also equivalent to Pakistan denying that any of the gundas live in Pakistan.

PCB blamed Lanka's unstable cricketing body for the mess. "Lanka is a split country. Their power dynamics is complex. Their cricketing board is just a token body. The real power is with their govt. Therefore there is no point in blaming their cricket board. We will take this to the Internatinal Cricketing Council. We have proof beyond doubt that Ranatunga is from Srilanka".

Equivalent to Pakistan's token govt & army being its real powerhouse.

In the mean time reports have emerged that Pakistan may go to war with Srilanka. That would be the first war of its kind, if it happens. Pakistani officials are trying to tackle this problem using diplomatic means. Mansoor Akhtar, a Professor at Lahore University has suggested an innovative idea. "Let us implement an mutual exchange program, as its done in academic circles. Pakistan will send suicide bombers from local jihadi movements in exchange for LTTE suicide bombers. We can achieve enough mutual destruction without the hassles of a war". While this is a stretch, Pakistani govt is not rulling any option out. "At this point all options are open", says Pakistani foreign minister Quereshi.

Parallel to the Ind-Pak war cries :--D

[Gambit]

Awesome! This just in - Akhtar and Asif after a long and high.....heavy 'workout' shouted to each other - 'I believe I can fly phaast bro' and jumped off a building in an attempt to do sorties over the erstwhile Gadaffi stadium (now Ahmed baaraat ghar).

[zubinpepsi]

great works Bumper..:two_thumbs_up: but u killed it now by explaining the parallels..

[PaiN_KiLLeR]

This came as a shock to many Pakistani cricket lovers. "After a hard day at weapons and grenade training in the heat of Waziristan, Inshallah, cricket was our only entertainment. Refusing to play cricket in Pakistan is haraam. Now we need to revert to playing grenade danda (a popular local game in which kids throw grenades at each other) for fun", says Muhammad Zarkawi, who recently left his home and joined the Harkat-Ul-Ansari movement.

:cantstop:

[Ram]

'Non-state actor..'... :giggle: Good one!

[The Outsider]

:laugh: Marvelous!!!

[Sachinism]

bloody hell I thought it was real I was reading it and thinking WTF, can this seriously be real lol

[Guest BossBhai]

-- Removed on request of the user --

[fineleg]

bumper, u da man :two_thumbs_up:

[theguyinallblue]

:hysterical::hysterical:.... it was a long hibernation..for Bumper... After all those NaanRoll Saaga.... it was the right time to come up with this.. Brilliant..