punjabiplaya Posted June 29, 2014 Author Posted June 29, 2014 Just before shagging a Brazilian girl who'd singled me out in a bar, I asked her why, of all the other guys there, she'd chosen me. "You were the only one in a England shirt," she explained. "I wanted to make love to someone who came from the home of football." "Well, we might have invented it," I replied, as I slipped her panties off, "But we're sh*t at it now." About 90 seconds later she asked, "Your lot didn't invent sex as well, by any chance?"
velu Posted June 29, 2014 Posted June 29, 2014 No dictionary has ever been able to define the difference between "complete" and "finished". However, in a linguistic conference, held in London England, and attended by some of the best linguistics in the world, Santa singh from punjab was the clever winner. His response was: When you marry the right woman, you are "complete". If you marry the wrong woman, you are "finished". And, when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are "completely finished". His answer received a five minute standing ovation. :--D:--D :hysterical::hysterical:
kumar713 Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 5 Laughs: No1: A man was so jealous of his newly born baby that he put poison on the wife's nipples while she was asleep. The next day their driver died of poisoning. ************************************** No2: A man is dying of cancer, but keeps telling people he is dying of AIDS. His son asked his Dad why. He answered, "so that when I am dead, no one will sleep with your mum." ************************************** No3: A lady lost three panties in her house and blamed her maid in front of the husband. Maid said "sir. you are my witness you know I never wear panties!" ************************************ No4: Couple is having a quickie and their 6 year old catches them. Son says: "What are you doing?" Ask the son. Father: "I’m putting petrol in your Mom." Son: " Which means Mom’s engine is taking too much petrol cause Mr. Zwane just put some in yesterday!" Mother fainted!!!! ************************************ No5: A man went to the pub with his wife. When he left for the counter to buy drinks a prostitute approached his wife & whispered, "You must DEMAND cash before sex, I know him he doesn't pay. ************************************ :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical:
CSK Fan Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hatsoff::hatsoff:
punjabiplaya Posted July 22, 2014 Author Posted July 22, 2014 A hot girl in front of a gujju at the self service checkout today left her purse on the side, so he did the right thing and called her back. "Excuse me" He said. "Would you like to go out for dinner tonight? My treat". :haha:
punjabiplaya Posted July 22, 2014 Author Posted July 22, 2014 As my flatmate Paddy headed towards the front door this morning, I said to him, "Where the feck are you going dressed like that?" "To Dave's fancy dress party," he replied. "I'm a tortoise." I said, "His party is not until tomorrow night!" He said, "I know, but I'm a tortoise." :cantstop:
coffee_rules Posted July 23, 2014 Posted July 23, 2014 In London, a customer asked,"Do you have "Sarso Da Tel?" The shopkeeper says "are you a "Sardar"? The guy, clearly offended, says,"Yes I am...But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Olive Oil, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish? The shopkeeper says, "No, I probably wouldn't." The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Sarso Da Tel, why did you ask if I am a Sardar?" The shopkeeper replied, Because, you are in a "wine shop"..
Desi Cartman Posted July 23, 2014 Posted July 23, 2014 As my flatmate Paddy headed towards the front door this morning, I said to him, "Where the feck are you going dressed like that?" "To Dave's fancy dress party," he replied. "I'm a tortoise." I said, "His party is not until tomorrow night!" He said, "I know, but I'm a tortoise." :cantstop: :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical:
Ram Posted July 25, 2014 Posted July 25, 2014 I nominate Punjabiplaya as the first winner of the to-be-instated 'ICF Lifetime Achievement Award' :hatsoff:
punjabiplaya Posted July 25, 2014 Author Posted July 25, 2014 Coca-Cola can be pretty insensitive at times. I mean how are black children going to feel when they pick up a bottle with "Share a Coke with Dad" on it? :--D
punjabiplaya Posted July 25, 2014 Author Posted July 25, 2014 On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll fecking skin you. When we're sleeping, you don't fecking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either." "thats Fecking great!" I thought. "First day in here and I'm already married
punjabiplaya Posted July 25, 2014 Author Posted July 25, 2014 On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll fecking skin you. When we're sleeping, you don't fecking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either." "thats Fecking great!" I thought. "First day in here and I'm already married :cantstop:
punjabiplaya Posted July 25, 2014 Author Posted July 25, 2014 Mo Farah regrets he has had to miss the Commonwealth Games to fulfil his Peparami filming commitments.
punjabiplaya Posted July 25, 2014 Author Posted July 25, 2014 Me and my wife have this new deal where she has to lose a certain amount of weight, or I get to have sex with another woman of my choice. To celebrate our new deal, I've ordered us in some pizza. :two_thumbs_up:
punjabiplaya Posted July 25, 2014 Author Posted July 25, 2014 john and Jane go to bed with each other for the first time. Jane: "I should warn you, Ted: I've got acute angina." John: "Your breasts aren't bad either." :hysterical:
punjabiplaya Posted July 27, 2014 Author Posted July 27, 2014 I was on a blind date and decided to ask what qualities she looked for in a partner. She said that she wanted a tall, ruggedly handsome man, who was intelligent, doting and romantic, with a good sense of humour, a successful career in law or medicine, and who would take her dancing on a Saturday night. "You can probably see why I'm still single," she laughed. "That's right," I replied. "You're dog ugly ."
punjabiplaya Posted July 27, 2014 Author Posted July 27, 2014 One day, there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it. The other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush for so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the stream. All of a sudden, the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady, I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran." :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical:
punjabiplaya Posted July 27, 2014 Author Posted July 27, 2014 A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor. The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went. The man answered, "Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air." :haha:
Bleed-Blue Posted July 27, 2014 Posted July 27, 2014 One day, there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it. The other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush for so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the stream. All of a sudden, the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady, I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran." :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical::hysterical: :hysterical::hysterical::hysterical:
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