Why do Indians care so much about what 'other people' think?

[Mariyam]

Typical talk: -------------- 1) Who do you report to? Oh,I know that guy..(Lots of name dropping ensues) 2) I just bought an Audi (Never mind the fact that he cannot differentiate Engine from Transmission and that he hasnt bothered to even check under the hood) 3) Latest talk on some SRK film which their daughter or son dances to (Demo promptly given on the latest BOSE system) and how great it is or how their son plans to pursue neuro-science 4) The usual GC talk on Priority dates (why didnt u do it in EB1? blah blah) 5) House talk (Oh he bought this house and some back handed compliments regarding the Vastu) 6) Mortgage costs and bank interest rates 7) Some NBA talk (Kobe Bryant) and some NFL talk on how Peyton is better than Tom Brady (invariably some guy will be wearing a NFL shirt) 8) Women all together in another room or basement or kitchen 9) Dont even get me started on the food !

This stuff is infinitely better than what I'm exposed to at certain family functions. :(( Family functions always drew mixed reactions from me. I absolutely love to attend family functions involving my dad's side of the family. I've to be brow beaten into attending those of mom's side. Luckily they are only once every 3-4 months. Generally, when its a family gettogether or a function at my mom's side of the family, my dad conveniently gets a backache or remembers some very important 'work'. Once he said he had a squash game to play with his friends. At noon on a Sunday. :P Since my mother can't drive too well, I have to accompany her. My reasoning is simple. 2-3 hours of torture are always better than 2 months of tantrums (by my mother) if I don't go. Most of the people at such family functions have nothing better to do than boast and show off 24x7 and then nosily enquire what everyone else is up to. The degree of fakeness of it all makes you go :mad: To make matters worse, my mom makes me deck up in a lehanga choli or a very heavy salwar kameez with kilos of jewellery for these meaningless functions. Hell, even if I have to return an utensil she ensures that I dress up as if kisi ke baap ki shaadi hai. :mad: These functions have a few ( and constant) typical conversations: ( My thoughts italicized in brackets) 1) The nosy tell me everything type. Generally when me and my mother ( and a few times when my sister, if she's in town) enter, the topic of discussion changes from Toasty's saris in Saas bina sasural to me. The transformation is complete in a matter of seconds. " Beti, koi hai tumhare zehn mai ya hum dhoondna chalu karein" ( WTH, are you a marriage bureau??) " Tumhari umar mein mere do bachce the" " Do you need any advice on relationships? You can ask me." ( One aunt once said this to me) " Humne suna hai ki tumne bahut dance classes attend ki hain. Why don't you show us some dance? " ( WTH, Am I a 6 year old girl to dance at your retarded 'parties'??. I've also done a few years of Karate. Should I snap your neck? ) If my phone rings or there is an incoming message alert, all conversation stops and they eye me as if I'm an alien. They give me that very dirty ' I know it all" smile. If I walk to the balcony to talk, some of these aunts even tail me for a while and stay in earshot. Nothing angers me more. I never abuse or swear at anyone, no matter what. But it takes every restraining muscle in my mouth to stop telling these aunts to $%&* off. 2) The perennial show off Aunt: (sees my chain). I don't think this is 22 karats. Must be 18 karats. Aur yeh diamonds bhi vvs grade ke nahi hongee. Zeenat ki engagement mein humne vvs wale kharide the. They have brighter luster. Aunt: Sunne mein aaya hai ki tumne nai gaadi li hai. ( Lol what sunne mein aaya hai?? Jese uske personal jasoos duniyaa ke har kone mein failay hue hain. ofcourse kisi ne bataya hai aapko ) Me: Ji. Aunt: Button start hai? Me: Ji, automatic hai. Aunt: Nahin, kya button se shuru karte ho ya chabi se? Me: Aunt: Huzefa, aiyna aao. Mariyam matte oli Chevrolet ni brochure laiy aao. Her son, who is busy eating or involved in some equally meaningless small talk is suddenly supplanted from that conversation and is forced to talk about his new car with me. A conversation neither me nor him are interested in. Just to please his show off mother. 3) The comparators Another set of retarded conversations revolve around comparing me with my sister/brother constantly. Some fat lady to my mom " Aap agar iske saath bachpan mein aur sakti se pesh aatien, to yeh aaj aisi nahi hoti. Kahan Asma aur kahan yeh" ( WTF, fat ass. Mind your own business). Worse is that my mother always agrees with them. :(( " Your sister never back answered" " your sister was a pleasing personality" " Your sister studied 6 hours a day and didn't waste time watching movies" " Your sister had no demands" " Your brother could do this in 15 mins and you are taking hours" 4) Asking for fizool ke tips... Where did you buy this dress from? Why don't you take my daughter the next time you go shopping? ( Lady, your daughter is 26. If she wants to go shopping with me let her decide and ask me) Where did you study for this question from? Which guide do you use? Can you teach my son to study? ( Teach your son to study??? ) Talking about others, and behaving and talking in a certain fashion, keeping in mind what others talk of us is unfortunately embossed on our (Indian) psyche. Family functions with relatives at my dad's side are so much fun. My cousins that side of the family are not that uptight. We talk about movies, horse racing, current events, clothes, our relationships, our recent travels,music, art, literature or some new business ideas or any important cases.

[Anonymous]

Gosh, never knew I could inspire someone to start a thread :--D I am against the bias shown by BBC and most of the English media when they report anything on India. Bringing poverty into everything and smearing mud on our achievements. I dont give a **** on what any retarded columnist or reporter thinks, but its the spin doctoring that goes on, projecting the same old slumdog image that irks me. Yes, we have poverty but thats not everything. we messed up CWG and it dented out image especially in the global corporate circles. The image is being reinforced time and again even if we manage to organise anything (Public or Private) The London Olympics are being staged with public money at a time when Europe is begging BRIC to help fund the bailout. We had riots in the UK and the less said about the scum that are being nurtured in the council estates across the country, the better. What would it be like, if NDTV started reporting from Broadwater farm or any of those famous symbols of British society rather than just Trafalgar square.

[Yoda-esque]

Family vacations can be fun too. And taking pictures of landmarks and/or posing next to landmarks is not just a family thing. Almost everyone does it.

Perhaps I didn't explain the point clearly. A few days back a colleague of mine had been to DC Upon his return,he proceeded to show me photos of him in front of every possible monument in DC. Same expression different background. So he's got this standard expression and is posing in front of the Smithsonian Me:Wow! Him: :proud: yeah I know Me: how was the museum of natural history? Him: oh ! There was no time to visit it. But they told me it was an important bldg so I took a photo

[Lurker]

Not sure if I understand you right, but what you mention has nothing to do with the person's nationality. You expect a woman to talk about her past relationships, love affairs and how those relationships/affairs left an impression on her with an absolute stranger?

And yet when the same set of person(s) meet online they are very comfortable talking about affairs, relationships etc. Does it have something to do with nationality? Possibly. There is a distinct difference in behavior for an Indian, compared to a Westerner, when it comes to real life chats vis a vis say online. Discussing relationships, past fondness is not a taboo subject. It cuts the ice, brings up warmth in a conversation and just makes people seem so .......well ...human. I remember most girls/women who discussed something like that, and remember none who who discussed why Web 2.0 is going to change the BI spectrum for good. xx

[flamy]

And yet when the same set of person(s) meet online they are very comfortable talking about affairs, relationships etc. Does it have something to do with nationality? Possibly. There is a distinct difference in behavior for an Indian, compared to a Westerner, when it comes to real life chats vis a vis say online. Discussing relationships, past fondness is not a taboo subject. It cuts the ice, brings up warmth in a conversation and just makes people seem so .......well ...human. I remember most girls/women who discussed something like that, and remember none who who discussed why Web 2.0 is going to change the BI spectrum for good. xx

Anonymity and deniability can be quite the veritaserum

[Sidhoni]

Mariyam (#42) :cantstop: :cantstop: :hatsoff:

[coffee_rules]

In one desi party, this guy was talking about where he went on vacation - some caribbean/cayman island and claimed he wanted to go to a place where he doesn't see another desi face. The same expressio came from a guy who had visited the Louvre in the 90s...not one desi. They were literally happy and beaming. I had been there in 2005 or so and had found a lot of desi faces! I had even acknowledged them with a smile. Luckily nobody was from Amway. I had asked one friend why he settled down in NH and he said that he wanted to be in a place where he doesn't see a lot of desis. Now he is attending bhajan mandls with his family in the local temple. This kind of self-loathers...the ones who think they can see through all desis ....is prevalent only among Indians, in my experience.

[Lurker]

In one desi party' date=' this guy was talking about where he went on vacation - some caribbean/cayman island and claimed he wanted to go to a place where he doesn't see another desi face. The same expressio came from a guy who had visited the Louvre in the 90s...not one desi. They were literally happy and beaming. I had been there in 2005 or so and had found a lot of desi faces! I had even acknowledged them with a smile. [b']Luckily nobody was from Amway.

:hysterical::hysterical: this gem went un-noticed here lol.

I had asked one friend why he settled down in NH and he said that he wanted to be in a place where he doesn't see a lot of desis. Now he is attending bhajan mandls with his family in the local temple. This kind of self-loathers...the ones who think they can see through all desis ....is prevalent only among Indians, in my experience.

Not sure about the self-loather piece Coffee-ji but you are quite right that this behavior of Indians abroad not wanting to run into too many Indians is not rare. What is the reason? As a nation do we resent each other's success? Do we have a class system still where somehow becoming successful automatically insular? Or is it that as a nation we dont have enough pride in ourselves that we want to forget that which binds us? Of course I am speaking more about folks abroad. Maybe it also points back to what Shwetabh was asking, why do Indians care about what others say? Maybe there is a sense of missing pride here? Pass the coffee now :winky:

[Ram]

In one desi party, this guy was talking about where he went on vacation - some caribbean/cayman island and claimed he wanted to go to a place where he doesn't see another desi face. The same expressio came from a guy who had visited the Louvre in the 90s...not one desi. They were literally happy and beaming. I had been there in 2005 or so and had found a lot of desi faces! I had even acknowledged them with a smile. Luckily nobody was from Amway. I had asked one friend why he settled down in NH and he said that he wanted to be in a place where he doesn't see a lot of desis. Now he is attending bhajan mandls with his family in the local temple. This kind of self-loathers...the ones who think they can see through all desis ....is prevalent only among Indians, in my experience.

To be fair, you'll probably find that the phenomenon of someone harboring genuine animosity/contempt towards other people of their country is present among other migrant communities as well. This feeling of Á°h I donÃÕ want to see another desi face in my opinion, has got nothing to do with being Indian, but a lot to do with being a migrant. As migrants, I think we all feel slightly threatened if we see someone else of our kind Specifically, another migrant of similar profile. For example, when I walk down the road and see a Mexican or an African American, I donÃÕ feel particularly vulnerable. However, when I see a group of Indian of my age, thereÃÔ a tendency to think Á°h my God, are they here to take my job/livelihood? A Mexican probably feels the same way if he sees another Mexican. Its funny how you made this point because I recently switched jobs. At one point, I had multiple offers and couldnÃÕ decide which one to choose. And I have to confess, one of the things that I factored in was How many Indians will be there in my team in these jobs? One of the positions was in the mid-west, while the others were in the East coast. Back of my mind, I knew that proportion of desi representation in my team would be significantly lesser in the mid-west. That, and other related factors swayed me for a while and I nearly took that offer. In the end, common sense prevailed and I stuck to the East coast. :D

[punjabi_khota]

:WTF: I like having desis around man...too few in my company (~6 out of 60) :(( ..world cup victory had no one to celebrate with.

[Yoda-esque]

:WTF: I like having desis around man...too few in my company (~6 out of 60) :(( ..world cup victory had no one to celebrate with.

At least there are 6 where you are..There are none where I work..

[akshayxyz]

:WTF: I like having desis around man...too few in my company (~6 out of 60) :(( ..world cup victory had no one to celebrate with.

At least there are 6 where you are..There are none where I work..

I can understand - one of my close friend in US was talking to me on phone all the time, during the Indo-pak match, and final hours of WC final - for the mandatory live MC-BC talk. :haha:

[Ram]

:WTF: I like having desis around man...too few in my company (~6 out of 60) :(( ..world cup victory had no one to celebrate with.

Dude you need to understand the distinction I am trying to make here. I am not against Indians per se, but I was a little circumspect to having team-members at work who are Indian (the operative word here is 'was'. We tend to view each other as direct as 'threats', especially if you're representing the same functional group. It does take a toll if you're constantly looking over your shoulder, as opposed to going to work, doing your thing and going home. However, in the end I sort of realized that if I felt there were 'threats' most of them were a product of my imagination. There are jerks everywhere, in every organization. I didnt want to chicken out and go get holed up somewhere in the mid-west succumbing to potential work-place pressure.

[Yoda-esque]

Ram-I get what you are talking about. The only thing about working with fellow Indians is that one might be forced to do certain things in order to keep up : - need to be politically correct all the time. - know your way in the pecking order I should know.I lost my job to a guy I recruited. :winky: Am I bitter about it ? No Have I learnt from it ? Yes Have I changed as a result of it ? No

[Alchemist]

Ram-I get what you are talking about. The only thing about working with fellow Indians is that one might be forced to do certain things in order to keep up : - need to be politically correct all the time. - know your way in the pecking order I should know.I lost my job to a guy I recruited. :winky: Am I bitter about it ? No Have I learnt from it ? Yes Have I changed as a result of it ? No

You still ike to meet Indians. You met me !!! :winky: :winky: :winky:

[Yoda-esque]

You still ike to meet Indians. You met me !!! :winky: :winky: :winky:

Yeah..I mentioned that it didnt change me.:--D

[punjabi_khota]

So only Indians can take your job ? What kind of BS is that...

[Yoda-esque]

So only Indians can take your job ? What kind of BS is that...

Hmm..I didnt say that.