I told myself, what’s all this? Let me just end my life: Praveen Kumar on struggle of sportspersons with mental ailments

[Mosher]

Richard Hadlee talked about it, Virat Kohli briefly mentioned it. Now former medium-pacer Praveen Kumar breaks the biggest silence in Indian sport, opening up to The Indian Express on his fight against depression, and his search for a way back to the game

On a chilly winter morning in Meerut, a couple of months ago, as the rest of his family slept, Praveen Kumar put on a muffler, took his revolver, got into his car and sped to the highway to Haridwar. It had been eight years since the pacer with a magical swing had last played for India. The anger of being so easily forgotten had given way to creeping emptiness and loneliness, the seconds adding up to insurmountable hours. As he sat in his car on the dark road, the revolver next to him, Kumar says, “I told myself, ‘Kya hai yeh sab? Bas khatam karte hain (What’s all this? Let me just end it)’.”

Then his eyes fell on the photo he kept in the car, of his smiling children. “I realised I can’t do this to my phool-jaise bachche (innocent children), put them through this hell. I turned back.”

Then, the 33-year-old did something unthinkable for sportstars like him, especially cricketers, the length of whose careers depends as much on their image off-field as on it. Kumar dragged himself to therapy. Diagnosed for depression, ‘PK’ — who mixed his guile with the dying art of swing bowling to stump the world’s best batsmen, who was valued by his team mates for his “mast-maula (freespirited)” nature — is now on medication.

 

While rare in India, the private struggle of sportspersons with mental ailments is now coming out in the open. After his international retirement in 1990, New Zealand legend Richard Hadlee talked of having contemplated suicide at the peak of his cricketing career. Recently, Australia’s Glenn Maxwell took a break from the game to recover. His coach Justin Langer spoke about how Maxwell would mask his mental illness by being this overly jovial person. Late last year, prompted by Maxwell’s decision, India captain and mega-star Virat Kohli shared his own vulnerabilities at the end of the 2014 England tour. While a drought of runs had made him feel “like the end of the world”, Kohli said he hadn’t been in a position to admit he “was not feeling great mentally” and so just got on with the game.

The signs were already there towards the end of his career, around 2014, when he was dropped from the Indian team and later couldn’t get an IPL contract, Kumar says.

Post retirement, things had escalated. There was no mental rest. The thoughts kept churning. Mostly negative. The churn would tire him out, he wanted it to stop but it wouldn’t. As he retreated into the recesses of his new Meerut home — a faraway world from the glory of cricket stadiums and the glamour of IPL — the despair kept growing. He stopped going out, stayed locked in his room, watching his bowling videos on an endless loop, seeing himself take out Australian cricketer Ricky Ponting or getting the ball to curve away wildly in England.

 

https://indianexpress.com/article/sports/cricket/praveen-kumar-former-medium-pacer-cricket-struggle-mental-ailments-6223705/

[vayuu1]

depression is a big problem,and it needs to be addressed, people don't realize this but in this fast age when a person is so involved in himself, slowly he realizes that he is all alone,seen people do crazy things when they have mental issues, look at what Chris benoit the famous wrestler did suicide and homicide both, so the family  with the first sign of the issue needs to take the person for therapy. 

[Khota]

I think this is a step in the right direction to discuss it openly. Nothing wrong in seeking help if you feel the blues. I am in minority but I was his fan.

[putrevus]

If he had 10 k more speed , he would have been very very good bowler.But still he had his moments.Hope he gets better, he was fearless on cricket field.

 

This is where BCCI needs to get invloved, get these former players educated into various avenues , so they can have purpose in life after their playing careers..

Edited January 19, 2020 by putrevus

[FischerTal]

4 hours ago, vayuu1 said:

depression is a big problem,and it needs to be addressed, people don't realize this but in this fast age when a person is so involved in himself, slowly he realizes that he is all alone,seen people do crazy things when they have mental issues, look at what Chris benoit the famous wrestler did suicide and homicide both, so the family  with the first sign of the issue needs to take the person for therapy. 

why do you think dhongi babas have so much following? people just want somebody to make them feel good. 

[nevada]

Poor guy! This was very depressing to read. His cricketing career is over but he can be a Hindi commentator and make decent money. It was shocking to read that Richard Hadlee contemplated suicide! He seemed like a chilled out guy on the field. Nice and easy run up, relaxed body language. I remember one match where Chethan Sharma thrashed 17-18 runs off his one over and all Hadlee did was let out a bemused smile. At this time, he was 34-35 and at or very near the peak of his powers. Maybe the burden of being the primary match-winner for his team wore him down, even though he bossed Australia on their own home turf and delivered series win against them. 

Edited January 19, 2020 by nevada

[beetle]

Looks like he is taking professional help and is on meds now.

Hope things get better for him .

Bless his kids for giving him a reason and hope.

I see his restaurant  on meerut bypass everytime I pass that way and think about him .

Get well soon PK.

 

[NameGoesHere]

11 minutes ago, beetle said:

Looks like he is taking professional help and is on meds now.

Hope things get better for him .

Bless his kids for giving him a reason and hope.

I see his restaurant  on meerut bypass everytime I pass that way and think about him .

Get well soon PK.

 

My heart goes out to him.  I have had a very mild version of depression for a long time.  And even so sometimes you just don’t feel like getting out of bed and facing the world.  God knows what it must be like for him since he’s clearly got it much worse.

 

Enroute to Dehradun beetle ji? Where’s the restaurant? 

[beetle]

2 hours ago, NameGoesHere said:

Enroute to Dehradun beetle ji? Where’s the restaurant? 

Dehradun to Delhi ...on Meerut bypass,there is a restaurant  on the left hand side that say Pravin Kumar's hotel or something like that. I have heard that it belongs to him.

I am not sure ,but he does own a restraurant in Meerut and someone had mentioned it is this one. 

You can check it out if you pass by that place.

Edited January 19, 2020 by beetle

[zen]

I hope that BCCI innovates to create a counseling program for those who are likely to be permanently dropped or are retiring .... the program should also guide them to evaluate opportunities post the cricket career

 

Even if you drop a player, who has been in the team for long, on form, it would be better to recommend counseling to them .... The program could also benefit those out of action for long due to injuries 

[Khota]

12 hours ago, beetle said:

Looks like he is taking professional help and is on meds now.

Hope things get better for him .

Bless his kids for giving him a reason and hope.

I see his restaurant  on meerut bypass everytime I pass that way and think about him .

Get well soon PK.

 

What is the name of the restaurant?

[beetle]

I don't remember the exact name..but it has Praveen Kumar in it..either Praveen Kumar's restaurant or hotel.

It is ordinary looking....not too fancy. ...but I am not 100% sure it is his.

@rkt.india....do you have any idea?

[SRT100]

Kumar was one of the major reasons India won their first ODI series in Australia, removing Ponting, Gilchrist and Clarke in that 2nd final was pivotal. Collectively they made only about 20 runs from memory.

Edited January 20, 2020 by SRT100

[vishalvirsingh]

On 1/19/2020 at 8:50 PM, nevada said:

Poor guy! This was very depressing to read. His cricketing career is over but he can be a Hindi commentator and make decent money. It was shocking to read that Richard Hadlee contemplated suicide! He seemed like a chilled out guy on the field. Nice and easy run up, relaxed body language. I remember one match where Chethan Sharma thrashed 17-18 runs off his one over and all Hadlee did was let out a bemused smile. At this time, he was 34-35 and at or very near the peak of his powers. Maybe the burden of being the primary match-winner for his team wore him down, even though he bossed Australia on their own home turf and delivered series win against them. 

praveen kumar should be coaching fast bowlers " how to swing".

 

only guy who swung more than bhuvi and was a very shrewd bowler...please check out his bowling , he had a ball in which he would chuck a little and suddenly that ball would be bowled @135K...

he never chucked except for one type of ball and I feel that i could identify that ball otherwise he used to swing between 120 to 132 K but his fastish ball .